Photo: John Allman

Yesterday, standing in line at IKEA, a shameful desire came over me: I wanted to have my own child. A little girl in a long dress, similar to the one my mother made me when I was little, was standing a few feet away, talking to her mom. Her strawberry blonde hair reminded me of my own when I was in preschool, and for a second, I thought I’d spotted my own features in her face. Holy crap. This could be my own daughter, I thought. But the notion was too immoral, too shocking, so I shunned it immediately.

For years, I’d considered it to be a matter of pride to be childfree. Not child-less, which implies a desire but lack of ability to have a child, but child-free: by choice. The idea of getting pregnant and having a baby seemed as attractive to me as sex with Freddie Krueger. I just couldn’t picture myself as a parent and was quite content with having two very high-maintenance cats instead.

On the way home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the girl. Without saying a word, she had me questioning everything I ever knew. Was I wrong about this all along? Did I secretly want a child and didn’t want to admit it? Before I go into my own reasons, I’d like to examine the subject of childfree a little closer.

Why do some people chose not to have children?

  • Lack of desire

Some people just do not feel compelled to have kids. They dislike (or even fear) children and the way they behave; saw the negative effects children had on others; prefer pets over children; or lack the maternal/paternal instincts altogether. Unwillingness to conform to established gender roles is another reason.

  • Personal environment & career

Children do require a lot of time, space, and emotional investment, and some people are simply unwilling to make that sacrifice. They feel that having a child will stagnate their career advancement (due to taking a parental leave, or being unable to relocate for a job) or interfere with their sexual lives, thus destroying the connection with their partner. Others cannot afford the financial burden of having children. Perceived or actual incapacity to be a responsible and patient parent is commonly cited as a pro-childfree argument.

  • Physical and health concerns

If one has a hereditary disease or an existing medical condition (such as diabetes, depression or others which could result in a difficult pregnancy or difficulty raising the child), it is understandable that they may chose not to have children. Lack of quality or affordable health care is another one. Some women fear or feel revulsion towards the physical condition of pregnancy, the childbirth experience, don’t want to risk scarring and stretchmarks as a result of labor.

  • Childfree as a generous act

Some individuals believe that it is a generous act not to bring more people into the already overpopulated world with scarce resources. They are convinced that they can make a greater contribution to humanity through their work. Some people see the world as too awful to bring children in, or fear that global warming, war, or famine are likely to occur during their children’s lifetime.

And then there’s the controversial selfishness issue.

Childfree people are often criticized for being selfish for not having nor wanting children. (There are women out there who would die to get pregnant, but can’t! Being capable, but not willing is a crime!) They consider raising a child ‘the most important work you’ll ever do’ and refusal to do so seems like the most selfish act in the world. They see it as a hedonistic, consumption-based lifestyle that makes no contribution to the world, only to the self.

But this is not necessarily true. The two judgment values behind this argument are that: a) One must attempt to make a meaningful contribution to the world; b) The best way to do this is by having children. For some people, one of both of these assumptions may be true, but others prefer to direct their time and energy elsewhere, oftentimes towards improving the world our children will be living in.

Childfree individuals respond to these accusations of selfishness by claiming that the act of having children is just as selfish, if not more so, and refer to the desire to have a child as ‘genetic narcissism’. They point out that many people have children for the wrong reasons and in the conditions of poverty, causing  problems for themselves, children and society at large.

I think neither party is more selfish than the other because what it all comes down to is one’s desire – of lack thereof – to raise a child. Some people truly feel that it’s their purpose in life, and make good on it. Others don’t feel compelled to have children, in which case they really shouldn’t.

As for me, I didn’t want to have a child for a number of reasons. I deemed the notion socially irresponsible when there are so many orphans out there waiting for someone to take them home. I feared going through a pregnancy, risking a scar on my stomach and possibly even dying in labor (irrational fear, but very real to me unfortunately). I didn’t see my genes any worthier of duplicating than anyone else’s. And lastly, I didn’t feel I was ready to be a parent. Looking back at the rocky relationship with my mother, and the relationship she had had with her mother, I was afraid of repeating the same with my daughter.

Seeing that girl at IKEA changed my perspective. Yes, I may never become that perfect, saintly human being, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a good parent. Things between me and my daughter don’t have to be the way they are between me and my mother. Yes, it takes is a conscious effort, but I am more than willing to make it. Perhaps the very fact that I feel like I’m not ready or responsible enough for parenthood, proves that I am.

My present plan is to adopt from an orphanage in my hometown in Russia in the next 5-10 years. I was looking at a website and there are lots of redheaded girls who look just like me. A child like that would fit right in with my family without feeling like an outsider, which is important to me. Plus, I get to satisfy my ‘genetic narcissism’ (hehe) without the guilt of overpopulating the planet. And who knows, maybe one day I’ll have a child of my own, too – but it won’t be the result of mindlessness or social pressure. It will be because I really, truly wanted to. And that will be the responsible thing to do.

Deerlings: what are your thoughts on childfree?