Photo: John Allman
Yesterday, standing in line at IKEA, a shameful desire came over me: I wanted to have my own child. A little girl in a long dress, similar to the one my mother made me when I was little, was standing a few feet away, talking to her mom. Her strawberry blonde hair reminded me of my own when I was in preschool, and for a second, I thought I’d spotted my own features in her face. Holy crap. This could be my own daughter, I thought. But the notion was too immoral, too shocking, so I shunned it immediately.
For years, I’d considered it to be a matter of pride to be childfree. Not child-less, which implies a desire but lack of ability to have a child, but child-free: by choice. The idea of getting pregnant and having a baby seemed as attractive to me as sex with Freddie Krueger. I just couldn’t picture myself as a parent and was quite content with having two very high-maintenance cats instead.
On the way home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the girl. Without saying a word, she had me questioning everything I ever knew. Was I wrong about this all along? Did I secretly want a child and didn’t want to admit it? Before I go into my own reasons, I’d like to examine the subject of childfree a little closer.
Why do some people chose not to have children?
- Lack of desire
Some people just do not feel compelled to have kids. They dislike (or even fear) children and the way they behave; saw the negative effects children had on others; prefer pets over children; or lack the maternal/paternal instincts altogether. Unwillingness to conform to established gender roles is another reason.
- Personal environment & career
Children do require a lot of time, space, and emotional investment, and some people are simply unwilling to make that sacrifice. They feel that having a child will stagnate their career advancement (due to taking a parental leave, or being unable to relocate for a job) or interfere with their sexual lives, thus destroying the connection with their partner. Others cannot afford the financial burden of having children. Perceived or actual incapacity to be a responsible and patient parent is commonly cited as a pro-childfree argument.
- Physical and health concerns
If one has a hereditary disease or an existing medical condition (such as diabetes, depression or others which could result in a difficult pregnancy or difficulty raising the child), it is understandable that they may chose not to have children. Lack of quality or affordable health care is another one. Some women fear or feel revulsion towards the physical condition of pregnancy, the childbirth experience, don’t want to risk scarring and stretchmarks as a result of labor.
- Childfree as a generous act
Some individuals believe that it is a generous act not to bring more people into the already overpopulated world with scarce resources. They are convinced that they can make a greater contribution to humanity through their work. Some people see the world as too awful to bring children in, or fear that global warming, war, or famine are likely to occur during their children’s lifetime.
And then there’s the controversial selfishness issue.
Childfree people are often criticized for being selfish for not having nor wanting children. (There are women out there who would die to get pregnant, but can’t! Being capable, but not willing is a crime!) They consider raising a child ‘the most important work you’ll ever do’ and refusal to do so seems like the most selfish act in the world. They see it as a hedonistic, consumption-based lifestyle that makes no contribution to the world, only to the self.
But this is not necessarily true. The two judgment values behind this argument are that: a) One must attempt to make a meaningful contribution to the world; b) The best way to do this is by having children. For some people, one of both of these assumptions may be true, but others prefer to direct their time and energy elsewhere, oftentimes towards improving the world our children will be living in.
Childfree individuals respond to these accusations of selfishness by claiming that the act of having children is just as selfish, if not more so, and refer to the desire to have a child as ‘genetic narcissism’. They point out that many people have children for the wrong reasons and in the conditions of poverty, causing problems for themselves, children and society at large.
I think neither party is more selfish than the other because what it all comes down to is one’s desire – of lack thereof – to raise a child. Some people truly feel that it’s their purpose in life, and make good on it. Others don’t feel compelled to have children, in which case they really shouldn’t.
As for me, I didn’t want to have a child for a number of reasons. I deemed the notion socially irresponsible when there are so many orphans out there waiting for someone to take them home. I feared going through a pregnancy, risking a scar on my stomach and possibly even dying in labor (irrational fear, but very real to me unfortunately). I didn’t see my genes any worthier of duplicating than anyone else’s. And lastly, I didn’t feel I was ready to be a parent. Looking back at the rocky relationship with my mother, and the relationship she had had with her mother, I was afraid of repeating the same with my daughter.
Seeing that girl at IKEA changed my perspective. Yes, I may never become that perfect, saintly human being, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a good parent. Things between me and my daughter don’t have to be the way they are between me and my mother. Yes, it takes is a conscious effort, but I am more than willing to make it. Perhaps the very fact that I feel like I’m not ready or responsible enough for parenthood, proves that I am.
My present plan is to adopt from an orphanage in my hometown in Russia in the next 5-10 years. I was looking at a website and there are lots of redheaded girls who look just like me. A child like that would fit right in with my family without feeling like an outsider, which is important to me. Plus, I get to satisfy my ‘genetic narcissism’ (hehe) without the guilt of overpopulating the planet. And who knows, maybe one day I’ll have a child of my own, too – but it won’t be the result of mindlessness or social pressure. It will be because I really, truly wanted to. And that will be the responsible thing to do.
Deerlings: what are your thoughts on childfree?
Im not sure if I could be child-free. Its not genetic narcissism, I want to have children because I feel that my life wouldn’t be complete without children. Not saying that a life isn’t complete and fulfilled if you chose not to have children, its more -my- life wouldn’t be complete. Children are a gift and a challenge and a learning experience. And I want that. I work with kids and they make me happy. Drive me up the wall, but I leave work happy.
My family always jokes that I will have 6 boys, and even I feel that that is a bit overkill! Even as I am working at getting a degree and planning on becoming a teacher, my greatest desire would to be a stay at home mom on a farm with 3 dogs and 3 cats plus a slew of kids and other farm animals that wouldn’t be pets. Thats the life I want for myself.
I will admit that because of my desires and goals, I do partially look askew and down at people who dont share my desires. I can respect the decisions, as it is a personal choice, but I could never accept it for myself.
I’ve always been sure that I’d want to be child-free. Occasionally I’ll have the odd flash of maternal instincts where I think, “What if?” and then reality shakes its butt in front of me and I realise that the idea of me having a child is an insane one.
I suppose there are two reasons why I want to remain child-free, they both might sound a little selfish. Being a performer I am always on the brink of being out of work, I can’t guarantee that after my current job there’ll be another one straight after. If there is another one to follow I can never guarantee where it’ll be. It can mean me travelling, living away– my life is unpredictable. To cope with raising a child alongside all of that would be irresponsible. And the thought of changing my career? I couldn’t do it.
The second reason I guess is the fear of my child turning out like the younger me. I suffered severe behavioural problems and depression and put my parents through hell and back. While some might argue that having experienced it myself I’d know how to support a child with these problems, the truth is I’d be just as dumbstruck as my parents were when it came to finding a soloution.
But who knows? Maybe in ten years I’ll change my mind.
I don’t want any children and I’m lucky my husband is on the same wave lenght. I know it would be foolish to pretend it is impossible that I change my mind one day. But lots of friends around me are starting to have kids whereas I find myself to want one less and less. I used to think “yes, but not now”.
I love my life the way it is. I have freedom and I must admit that I don’t want to lose it. I don’t love kids. To me kids are like people, some are nice, some are beautiful and some are just not interesting or even annoying. Most people, when I say that, understand that I don’t like children and despise me but it is not true at all.
I don’t feel I will ever find being a mother desirable. And to those who might think it is “selfish”, it is my life. So yes, sometimes I make choices that put myself first. But not when it would hurt anyone. That’s not selfish to me, that’s just respecting myself as much as the others.
I’ve been childfree for as along as I can remember. My biggest reasons are the fact that I doubt I’ll ever have a particularly consistent lifestyle (I’m to restless to stay anywhere) and I, honestly, don’t like children. Aside from all of that, my family has a history of mental illness and addiction.
The funny thing is though, everyone thinks that I would make a great parent and I probably would. I would have well behaved, educated, socially conscious children.
I admit that occasionally, I think a kid is cute – for example, I think Suri Cruise is absolutely adorable! – but that doesn’t ever change my mind about having kids. I don’t need to have children to have a fulfilling life as a woman or just as a person in general.
It’s kind of spooky that you should mention this now, because I’ve always been of the mind that I don’t want to have children (at least not give birth to one, I’ve got the same irrational fear of complications in labor), but just last night, I had a dream that I had a child, and was ridiculously happy about it, and woke up with an intense desire for a child of my own.
Now, I know that not only am I not ready for a child, but would be quite incapable of raising one, yet for some reason, bam, I feel the selfish need for a child I can hold, and love, and who will love me in return. Logically, I know that there’s a lot more to it than that, but damn, if it doesn’t sound like a wonderful idea, at the moment.
I’ve always wanted to be child free. Even after I got married. My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years and just within the past few months has the idea of becoming a mother crossed my mind.
One of the biggest reasons I don’t want children is because I don’t know if I’m emotionally strong enough to deal with a handicapped child if that is what I had. I would feel eternally guilty for bringing a mentally or physically handicapped child into the world. That is something that scares the crap out of me when I think about it. Or what if I die during delivery and my husband had to raise the baby alone?
Also, I didn’t want kids because I have a niece and nephew (both 3 now and not twins, they are cousins) that live in my neighborhood so I see them quite often. I also got to see how much the parents’ lives changed after having them. I know this is a selfish observation but I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up all of my free time yet. I have a lot of hobbies that I enjoy and I know I wouldn’t be able to do any of them for at least 5 years if I did have a child.
The biggest reason having a baby has cropped up in my head is curiosity. Would it be a boy or girl? Would it look like me or my husband? I want to actually be pregnant. I want to see what it feels like
to for the baby to kick. I think that is the deepest feeling I have is to have a baby with my husband. The person I love more than anything.
I don’t know. There are so many variables (good and bad) that I don’t know if I’m ready to take that risk yet.
For the longest time I did not want kids, I went through my twenties thinking how drastically it would change my life. I loved the idea of just getting out of bed and jumping on my motorcycle and heading out for the weekend. I loved the relationship with my husband and thought it would change things. After examining other people with kids, all I saw was how tired they were all the time, how they never could go out anywhere as food might go flying across a restaurant. It seemed like so much work.
As I reached my thirties I started to rethink my thoughts on children. I was happy in my relationship with my husband but felt like some piece of our relationship was missing something. It wasn’t until Christmas time one year that I saw my niece collect all the bows off the prsents in her own little corner and just admired them, she was 2. She wasn’t interested with what as under that wrapping paper. It was the shinny bows she liked so much. I than realized I was missing the innocence of a child, the laughter at their new discoveries every day, at the hugs and kisses, their way to make a really bad day all better as I’d look in my rear mirror in my car to find a smiling little face looking back at me.
It took us 6 months to get pregnant and it has been the most challenging experience of my life. I love her to death, but there are days I feel so numb, I’m not that person I use to be that could sit at a computer and become a writer of sorts. Every thing I do is for her. The selfish person I was before vanished, it had to. Every where I go she is two feet behind me wanting to take part in it. I have always been a person that loved alone time, to just engage in a book or write my own little short novel. I haven’t seen those days since my pregnancy. Though it takes lots of sacrifices in having a child and patience but at the end of the day, when she wraps her tired little arms around me and gives me a sleepy eye’d kiss I find every tiring moment with her worth it. It’s like I’m getting to know this little person with a personality all of her own developing each day. This little mini me.
:)
well, this is a little bit scary for me now, seen in the light of one of my friends being pregnant(mind you, I’m 15 – she’s 15 too).
I’ve never ever had any desire whatsoever to get any children at all. It would be overcompensating to say I deliberately “hate” children, but I’ve never really liked them either. Other than that, my parents have never really been the world’s best parents ever, and I fear I’ll make the same mistakes as my own parents did.
Other than that, I’m planning on getting sterilized ASAP (in 11 years, I believe). No children for me, thank you ;)
I never wanted children and never saw myself as a parent because I was too irresponsible. But when I feel pregnant I couldn’t face having an abortion and now I am so glad I had my son. He’s amazing.
I think it definitely comes down to circumstance and personal choice. You have to listen to yourself and not anyone else. As for adopting, I think that is one of the most wonderful and beautiful things you can do and I wish it was an easier process for those who truly want to help a child.
This is such a personal post Doe, thankyou for sharing!
I being a feminist to the point of starting a club at college (we called it F.A.B., Feminist At Bridgewater), have always wanted to be a mom.
I look back to being a very young child and trying to figure out what that thing was that I wanted to be when I grew up and I was startled to find that the themed goal in my life was to have a family.
Let me just say that I come from what some “child-free” couples refer to as “Breeders”. My father was 1 of 6 and of that 6 all had no less than 2 children and of those children most have had no less than 1 child. I know my family is an SAT math problem.
Now most people would think that this would be the reason that I would want children, as if I had the “Breeder Gene”, but surprisingly as a rational adult (i use those terms loosely), it is something that my father told me about my mother that is what really sealed my decision.
He told me that my mom was adopted (no one knows) and that she was soo happy that she had us (i have 2 brothers), because if she hadn’t she would have had no family, no reflection of herself in any of her loved ones.
My mom’s father had left when she was a baby and all I new was that he was an asshole for leaving my nana and my mom all alone. The truth was that he had been married to my nana, and found out she couldnt have children so they decided to adopt and they got my mom. Then he decided that that wasnt’t good enough for him he wanted “his own children”. He left then, moved south and remarried to have those kids.
So it may be geneticly narcissistic but I would like to see myself who looks so much like my mom reflected back again in a child of my own. And if I can’t have them then I am off to find another child like my mom who needs a home.
Oh and on the flip of this conversation my best friend does not want children. She doesn’t want to pass on what she terms her bad genetics. So she is at 28 the willed guardian (if something happens to the parents) of 15 year old twins and has also agreed to be the willed guardian of any children my husband and I may have. She is also set up with the state to be a foster care parent to any of the children at the special needs school she works at, if they ever need placement.
Wow, what a great thing to read!
I’ve always felt that I didn’t want kids. I was raised to believe that having children was the only option, which always made me sad. When I moved out of my parents house and started focusing on making my own spot in the world I learned about Childfree life. It’s hard to describe to someone else how comforting it is to find a group of people that believe in the same things you do, especially when it’s something as controversial as not having children.
I’m not saying that everyone should decide to not have children, that’s impractical and cruel. Just because I never dreamed of a white picket fence and the patter of little feet doesn’t mean that my dreams need to deprive someone else of that. I’m overjoyed for my friends that want children. When they have their kids I know I’ll be there to help them babysit, I don’t mind spoiling children and being a pseudo aunt.
My reasons for not having children spawn from growing up in an abusive environment. I have a temper, I can be really selfish and a bit cruel. I would never put a child, especially my own, through that. There is also a slew of health reasons from both my side of the family and my husband’s.
I’m really glad that we don’t want children though. I love my husband, I know that we can still have a full and happy life without children. Our life isn’t for everyone, but no ones is. You have to make your own life perfect for yourself. If that means making tough choices like not having children, cutting off contact from people that are bad for you or not having your own career (especially one you’ve always dreamed of) so that you can spend more time giving your children the love they need then so be it. Rock on, do what makes you happy and don’t let anyone tell you that you need to do otherwise. :)
I also want to adopt. I want to have children badly, and I know my fiance does as well. We’re not convinced though that we want to have our own. This could change of course as we get closer to a point where we would feel career and home-life-wise we’re more stable, but right now, I would like to give a child a home that is need of one, instead of creating a child for a home.
I am absolutely 100% childfree. I don’t hate people who have kids, as some childfree people tend to do, but these days nobody seems to be willing to raise them. I think if more people were aware of the childfree option, and indeed more educated about sex in general, fewer couples would chose to have children.
Personally I cannot ever see myself having children, and my plans and dreams for the future don’t include them. I admire the fact that you have ideas of adoption, and I wish more people who genuinely want children would not overlook this option.
It’s crazy you would post this, since I did the same thing the other day. For the most part, kids really creep me out, and aside from my own nieces and nephews (whom I adore, but can GIVE BACK) I have a slight aversion to little humans. I’m pretty sure I would screw them up, plus, yes, it’s the selfishness thing. But for me, selfishness is okay…I’d rather be selfish and not have a kid, than be the type of girl I grew up around (conservative Christian) who feels as if she must because it’s her “duty.”
Two cents…in. :)
Very interesting post! I’ve been re-evaluating my feelings towards having children for the past two years and probably will continue to. My situation is like yours in some ways – I didn’t get along with my mother growing up and I didn’t want to have children and turn into her. However, I also grew up in a very small area where I didn’t have any motherly role models for the life I wanted for myself. I knew I wanted to go to school and have a career. If I was going to have children I wanted a life outside of them. All the women I grew up seeing in my hometown, their children were their lives and they had nothing outside of that. They adhered to very traditional gender roles and children were “women’s work” so their lives were consumed with raising children. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but I knew that’s not what I wanted for myself. So I used to unfairly have very negative feelings towards motherhood, viewing it as “taking someone’s life away”. But now that I’ve moved out of my small hometown, graduated undergrad, now going to grad school, I’m seeing it doesn’t have to be that way. Deep down, I think I probably would like to have children someday. But it is something I would have to do on my own terms.
I’m totally the opposite! I’ve wanted a heap of kids for as long as I can remember. Until about a year ago, that is. Looking back at my family history has made me think that it would be an embarrasment for the poor children. There are tonnes of medical issues too, and my heart condition means I probably wouldn’t live to see him/her graduate. But I’d -love- to adopt a teenager or an older child. Those are the ones that get truely forgotten by society, and knowing what it feels like to be looked down on, if I could do something to fix that I will.
When I was a teenager, I went through the typical “no marriage, no kids” phase… but then my sister had kids, and my brother had a son, and I started dating, and I guess my perspective shifted? I adore kids, and I am so in love with my 2 year old nephew it’s unreal.
Whether I adopt or have my own, I do know I want kids, eventually. Not for awhile, though. I want to finally graduate college (not til I’m 27, probably) and do a bit of performing before I have kids. But I can totally respect others who don’t feel they should have kids. Why force them into something they will resent? That’s just crazy talk.
I liked this article a lot Doe, you remind me of myself as I have always shunned the idea of having kids… I think I actually tend to push the idea to the back of my brain somewhere so I don’t have to consider it. Do you think your response was partly due to ‘biological clock ticking’ (not that I’m insinuating you are old of course!!!!), or perhaps a desire to try new things? I know that sometimes when people get married it just feels so much more ‘right’, like the next step or something. Anyway, I think this is an endlessly interesting topic for women to think very carefully about and I’m glad you addressed it!
i think that being childfree is a personal, unjudgeworthy descision. So what if someone doesnt want children? Maybe they aren’t the kind of person who should have any? Children are a BIG responsibility, if someone is conscious of the fact that they dont want any, tehn its probably for a good reason.
PS,
Doe, if you had a little one, it would probably be the cutest little doll-baby EVER.
:)
“Looking back at the rocky relationship I have with my mother, and the relationship she had had with her mother, I was afraid of repeating the same mistake with my daughter.”
^THIS.
Several times with my friends, I’ve talked about carrying on our dysfunctional families’ disfunctions to our own families. I don’t want to be as verbally/physically abusive as my mom and her mom… I want to be a loving mother! But I don’t know if I have that kind of self control, especially since I tend to get frustated with people I’m trying to teach, anyway… ;_;
I think it’s very sensible to be childfree.
First off, you’re right about people having their own children when there are a ton of other children in the world waiting to be adopted and to live in a happy, healthy environment. I plan on adopting children instead of having my own.
And to pass on something like a genetic disease that runs in your family to another person, is also very cruel.
Motherhood applies whether or not you had it or not, all of my friends think I’m crazy.
They say that it won’t feel the same if you just ‘adopt’. And they say it like it’s a dirty word. For them it’s not like: “ADOPT a puppy.” And some people have children because of social pressure, and if they don’t they’re called queer even if they have a spouse of the opposite sex (?) *Well, it happens in my town. ><*
Plus it also depends on the person raising the child.
I’ve been wondering when you would blog about this. Just the idea of you as a parent makes me giggle, because it’s so cute! I can see you with a little, strawberry-blonde girl and playing in the park. Ha ha, Mommy doe. :D
As I[‘m only thirteen, I have forever to think about it; but as far as now goes, I’m not seeing children (or marriage) in my future. Someday I might adopt, but I think I have an honest fear of childbirth. Pregnancy is cute, but childbirth…makes me squirm. It’s beautiful and all, but the idea of it…
Anyways, I hope your adoption plans go through. So cute!
I’ve never been good with children, never felt close to them nor a will to have one of my own. I can however, relate to what you saw. I’ve seen plenty of children that have made me want a child one day, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever really commit to it out of fear that I would be a bad parent. I personally would rather adopt a child in need of a home, though. I’m awfully young to be thinking about such things, but I can’t help it but plan sometimes. ;)
i am childfree by choice.. I honestly do not like them. Not to be a b*tch, or even sound like one.. But there are some people who should not be parents, and are, and some who decide not to be parents because they feel like it’s more responsible to realize they might not be cut out for the job.
I may be a decent parent one day, but right now, we are childfree by choice, and will probably stay that way
Personally, I’ve never viewed a person unwilling to procreate as being selfish. I think that that stems back to patriarchal thinking. Men wanted to spread their seed around in order to ensure that their blood-line live on and be plentiful. And, further, that branches out into issues of whether or not the child a woman is carrying is his or not, as well as, the issue of a woman taking on a man’s name, and even a wife being “put-away” by her husband because she either would not or could not bear him children, and so on. Because men were so hung up on their own virility, as well as, that their wife and children were seen as their property; they of course, wanted to have as many as they could. ‘Course…they weren’t the ones endangering their own health in the process of carrying the child to term and then giving birth to it.*grimaces*
-Alot of women took/take on the patriarchal mind-set, unfortunately; so I feel that they look at unwillingness as being selfish.
With that said, as a teen I was so certain that I’d never want to have children. I grew up in a household with 3 other siblings and we just didn’t have alot of money around the house. I didn’t want to put myself or children through those hardships. I also didn’t get along well with my siblings, as I was the oldest, so I didn’t look at children as pleasant or obedient things.
-I never wanted to feel tied down and not be able to travel or live the way I wanted.
In an ironic twist of fate…here I am now at 26yrs. old and my maternal tendencies are coming to the fore’. I can feel my biological clock ticking away. My younger sister just had her second daughter and while I’m so proud of her, I’m also very envious. She’s got two beautiful babies and the eldest is such a sweetheart and is also a hilarious gremlin. I want one!! *laughs*
I’m still unsure of myself as a future parent and am not totally sure that I’m ready or willing to give up my independence, but at the same time, I yearn to feel my own child suckling at my breast, to see what kind of child comes about from the union of my genes with my partner’s.
In time, think my body will win…I will be a mommy by the time I’m 30. *grins*
This was a really great read, I love how you looked at so many other reasons that people don’t usually consider when thinking about why some people choose not to have children.
Personally I think that everyone just has to find what is right from them – whether it is to not have children, adopt or have their own children.
I think that I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but in my mind have never considered adopting, you’ve given me a lot to think about, thanks :)
Long time lurker, first-time commenter here ;)
I wrote a blog on this quite a while ago, and I think I used the same Wikipedia article as a basis :) Forgive me if I’m wrong.
I’ve always wanted to be child-free. I dislike children (nothing malicious, I just don’t like dealing with them) and I don’t feel that I’m responsible, loving or selfless enough to have children of my own. I think the same is true of a lot of people, yet they still have children for whatever reason.
I suppose it also helps that I’m asexual and have no interest in romantic relationships. Maybe if that wasn’t the case, and if I were in love with someone, I might want to raise a child with them? I really don’t know. I can’t even imagine that scenario or having those desires.
I think your idea of adoption is wonderful. I can understand the desire for continuing your own genes, but I think it’s much better to make a difference in the life of an existing child.
I think about this a lot because as a long time married person with no kids you get a lot of pressure. Not really from our families (mine I told all growing up I’d never have kids and his are just used to me my now) but from co-workers or friends. It gets to be especially hard when tons of people all around you are having kids and then the not-so-subtle pressures come out.
Frankly most kids bore me and babies don’t interest me at all. My husband and I have talked it over every once ina while over the 12 year’s we’ve been together and we always end up saying “eh! not interested right now.”
We work a lot, do a lot of civic things, do a lot of personal things and have a bunch of pets. I’m sure some people think we are sublimating our desire for kids but we really aren’t.
Some of the reasons you listed went into the decision but in the end the desire isn’t really there. And I think you should really have the desire and the drive to do it. It is a huge commitment and with out that passion for it, it could be very very hard.
Good thoughts and discussion.
Luv
Poochie
A very interesting read!
I never wanted kids.I have a history of depression, and just felt that looking after MYSELF on a day to day basis was hard enough without the huge responsibility of kids!
So….when I accidentally fell pregnant, I was devastated and terrified. It didn’t help that my partner was completely overjoyed and excited. He couldn’t relate to the fears that were plaguing me, and I was very confused. If I had the baby, EVERYTHING in my life would change completely and irreversably; and if I chose not to have the baby, would I live to regret it? To wonder what might have been?
In the end,I couldn’t face an abortion,so I proceeded with the pregnancy.
I hated every minute of pregnancy. I felt sick, fat, uncomfortable and afraid. I hated that strangers would constantly comment on my growing bump (with the nicest intentions) and I felt that I had to pretend to be excited and joyous. I still had no maternal instinct at all.
Then when it finally came time, the labour was long and horrendous (22 hours). None of the painkillers worked- they just made me hallucinate! It was in all honesty, a living hell!
But You know what? I am now so glad I went through it all, because the love i have now for my beautiful daughter is immeasurable, and cannot compare to anything I’ve felt for any other living being in the world. I can’t describe it. (The best I can do is, think of every person or pet you’ve ever loved, and multiply that love by milions!)
Of course it has been very very hard. My baby has changed my life completely. There are many personal sacrifices I’ve had to make. But the benefits outweigh them. I feel inspired! After all, if I can survive all this, I can do anything! I am now pursuing my dreams, and doing things I was too scared to do before.
I feel prouder now than ever to be a woman. We are a tough bunch!
Anyway, this is only MY story.Not everybody is the same. In the end, it is your life, and only YOU can decide what will suit you best.I respect every womans choice, as it is a hard choice, and not to be taken lightly! Whatever decision you make will be right for you at any rate.
Thankyou for provoking our thoughts and opinions on the matter!
I chose to be childfree for all of the reasons that you listed with the addition of one. I grew up with an invalid mother for my whole life. I never really had a childhood. Because my mother was termanilly ill she had no control over her life and was bitter and hurtful towards me, whom she minipulated and controled because I was the one thing that she could control. Even after I turned 18 I stayed at home to take care of her because she guilted me into doing it. I was literally a slave and treated just as badly. My whole life as far back as I could ever remember – all I ever wanted was freedom. Real freedom. To come and go as I please and never have to be tied down or answer to anyone. My mother passed away when I was 22 and I was finally set free. I just turned 25 and am in a realtionship with my boyfriend that will be celebraiting 4 years in a few days and we plan on getting married. Children are NOT in our future. I don’t consider my boyfreind as a burden because we are both very ambitious people wanting the same things out of life so at least we’re going in the same direction. My main reason for being (and staying) childfree is because I waited my WHOLE life to be free, and now that I am I will NEVER give that up. The past 3 years of my life have been the happiest years of my life. My life is fantastic now and I can finally pursue my dream career of being a writer (try doing that with kids under feet – aint easy). Traveling the world, writing, and just being responsible only for myself are such fantastic things to me. I took care of my mother for most of my life I’m “done” taking care of others. I wont even own pets because I am absolutly done with responsability for anything or anyone but myself. That may sound selfish to a lot of people, but I already spent most of my life having to live for others. I just wanna live for myself for the rest of my days.
So many inspiring stories. Wow. You guys are amazing. Thank you for sharing, I always enjoy reading what you have to say!
Well ever since I was very young I always thought of myself as being childfree, the whole maternal thing was never me, childern annoyed me just as much as most adults lol Once I turned 18 my whole life changed, I spontaniously moving across country and after a year of working I had my own apartment wth my boyfriend and I was loving the free, independent life. Until I got pregnant at the age of 21 and I was terrified, I kept thinking what if I’m to young and I cant do this or what if my son inherits the same disorder as his father. But as time (as well as my tummy) grew I came to just accept the path my life was taking with an open mind. My son is now 17 months old and I love him to death, he’s actually changed my life for the better and has motivated me to go back to buckle down and go back to school…Soo all in all its not always about how baby will affect your life but about how you choose to live your life after~
If we ever have children, they will be adopted. I’m not even 100% sure if we’re going to adopt, but the idea of pregnancy/giving birth freaks me out hardcore, and there is also a strain of crazy that runs in both of our families, that I would rather not pass on to any offspring. I don’t have a problem with people who do have kids, but I just don’t know if it’s for us!
I used to agree with the genetic narcissism thing until I realized what a gorgeous thing it was to think another person is so fantastic that the good bits they’d pass on to a tiny new person would be grand enough to cancel out the parts of you you don’t like but that might be passed on. [=
Gosh, so much to read! Every reply is interesting and… good!
I feel a little different. I’m child-free for now, since I know having a kid now would really mess up my career, education, and life altogether. I have nothing but outmost respect for women who can do what I do and raise children, but I’d rather wait.
However, when I am pretty settled, and when I do find that wonderful man who would love me and want to build a family with me, I think he and I can raise a well-adjusted, happy, loved child. The bad parenting situations and broken families out there make me WANT to be a better parent. These kids need good examples of good parents and happy families, and I want to be that.
I still haven’t decided if I want to adopt or get pregnant. It’s a little early.
I’ve never wanted to have children, and all my life people keep telling me that I’ll change my mind. I really don’t think I will. I just have no interest in having and raising children, or trying to afford them! I have 2 great nephews that I can give back. I can buy them gifts and help out but it’s always nice to know that they’re not mine.
Last year I had surgery which put me on medication for life that basically will severely damage an unborn child. If I get pregnant or want a baby I have to stop taking it which would put my life in serious jeopardy. Reason enough for me to stay child free! Why nearly kill myself if I couldn’t even see the child grow up? I figure if I ever suddenly feel that I need a child, there’s always adoption. Luckily my boyfriend feels the same way, although I’ve worried occasionally that maybe he doesn’t really feel that way and will resent it. I also feel bad for my parents because don’t all parents want to be grandparents? We’ve been together for 4 years now and people are pressuring us all over the place to get married. I’m sure the baby pressures will come one day and I don’t look forward to any of it!
Anyone ever see Idiocracy? It’s a bad movie, but it’s premise is that educated people often stay child free while the poor and uneducated just breed away and society will eventually get dumbed down. That’s another fear…
While I loved being pregnant, and still feel like the worst part of labor was the IV, I have to tell you, none of that stuff compares to actually raising children.
I have three kids. Two are from my husbands previous relationship, and one, my husband and I had together. I started caring for the two older children just 2 months after my daughter was born, while their mother was in the hospital for several weeks at a time being treated for cancer. About 4 months after that, she died.
There are so many things I could tell you about the challenges and excitement of raising children. But you are probably already in the throes of realizing all the possibilities. I wish you the best, what ever you decide. Just know that children don’t have to be a hinderance. While we have a very full family life, I just graduated cosmetology school and my husband is still able to host a weekly noise night at a bar, and play shows in his own band.
Though I always knew I would have children, I never thought I would have them this early in life. I also never expected for my family to come together the way that it did. What I have learned from this is that there never really is a right time or a right way. There will always be challenges, but at some point you will know what is right for your family.
Well, I’m fine with whatever decision people make. But, myself, I want to have children. It’s not because I want to see a mini me, it’s because I want to have that bond with something. It’s indescribable, and it’s such a pure love. I think motherhod is beautiful.
But, I have always wanted to adopt as well as have one of my own. My boyfriend was adopted, so I know he’d love to do it.
As someone who thought I couldn’t have children I was okay with it. I had my dolls…and my super intelligent pug. I was happy.
Then *boom* I find out I am pregnant. First response was I’m too selfish!
…Only time will tell if I can keep up my projects and the batling baby.
<3
Lola
I was childfree for a while, always loved kids and I’d be the one my friends turned to when they needed a babysitter. Now I’ve found the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, I changed my mind. I havent fallen pregnant yet and I don’t know if I ever will, but if I don’t we will be adopting.
i’ve never been keen on having or raising children. i used to just dislike the popular view that all women needed to get married and have children to lead meaningful lives, and while i still feel that way, for me, now, the reason has shifted more to fear as a result of a few things: experiencing my own transition from child to adult and seeing how having children affected my parents’ life in dealing with the hardships. two of my siblings have severe emotional issues and my brother has a drug addiction, and this, more than anything, has made me actually afraid to have children, honestly, because i’m afraid of the uncertainty. when it comes down to it, i don’t trust my genes or my ability to raise a child. i’ve always said, though (since i was around 8 years old- how’s that?) that should i ever choose to raise a child, i would definitely adopt.
I work looking after children as a Nanny, and one part of me want’s children because well, basically they are cute (as babies anyway) and something about being the first of my friends to have one just sticks in my head but I know that’s not a good enough reason to have one. So when people ask me, I say ‘no, i don’t want children’. From what i’ve seen, the bad times outweigh the good ones and I can see the annoyance on the parents faces and thats what makes me think twice. I also agree with the view that the world is overpopulated and there are so many children without homes, so adoption would be something id be interested in.
An intriguing subject to be sure. I was always convinced that I would have absolutely no interest in having children even as a little girl. This probably had something to do with how I despised my peers growing up coupled with having a detached abrasive relationship with my parents. I have to say that my view on the subject has greatly shifted however. I started dating a great guy that already had 2 kids which I was very hesitant about at first, but once I got to know them a little better, they really grew on me. The supreme responsibility of having a tiny life depend solely on you is truly tremendous. Though now, I think if you are lucky enough to find someone you love enough to want to start a family with them, are fully prepared to respond to all the needs of that child and are willing to sacrifice a few of the luxuries you had before, I think it could be a greatly rewarding experience.
I had my first baby when I was 19, my second when I was 20 and my third (and final!) when I was 22. A decade on and I still believe that having the kids was one of the best things I have done in my life so far.
But I do remember that fear of not being responsible enough so vividly. After the birth of my first, my husband took 2 weeks paternity leave, and the first time he returned to work and left me alone with the baby was daunting to say the least! I stood looking at her, fast asleep in her cot, feeling utterly overwhelmed, thinking, ‘Who would leave me alone with a baby?’ ‘I’m not responsible enough to take care of such a tiny person!’ And then she woke up, and I just got on with the job of being her mum.
Sure, I’ve made mistakes, and I’m sure I’ll make a few more before they’re all grown up and independent, but I know that I will always do my best by them. Becoming a mum is an experience which completely changes the way you perceive the world, and your position within it. I don’t think that choosing to be child-free is selfish – rather just a different life path. I wouldn’t criticise anyone for making the conscious choice not to have kids, but equally I would say that having kids is an incomparable experience in life, and it’s one I wouldn’t have missed for the world!
I think everything that I want to say has already been said, but I feel I must leave a comment to say this is a brilliant post, and you represent both sides of the argument perfectly!
I personally have no desire to have children right now, and can’t really see myself wanting them in the future, but I’m quite open to my mind being changed at some point.
I always said I don’t want children myself, I’d like my sister to have one, so I can look after it, but not have it 24h. I just never pictured myself a mother, I was too egoistic to share my life with anyone.
All changed when I met my boyfriend. I had a hard time getting used to spending a lot of time with someone else and telling someone else everything, but now, I couldn’t imagine being without him. He really likes children and wants at least 2, so I was frightened, never told him what I’m thinking.
Somehow it just happened that we stopped using protection, we never talked about it and still didn’t talk about it seriously.
But if I would be pregnant now, that would be amazing, I have thought for a long time and I think I’m finally ready. Maybe it depends on the person you are going to have the children with. I know that I can rely on my bf, that he will be there for me and the children and that he will love them with all his heart.
The moment when I realized that my opinion had changed was, when we were talking about Christmas and he said: “Maybe you are even pregnant then” and I thought it to be an amazing thing, no fear anymore.
If people choose to stay childfree, it’s their decision and I don’t think anyone should judge them for that. They have made there decision as much as people who have children have made theirs.
I feel similar to you, Xenia, about having children. My mother is a social worker and I have seen “unwanted” children and how they are treated by those who don’t want them. I feel like it would be much better for me to foster and adopt than to have my own.
Also, it’s not an irrational fear to be afraid of dying during childbirth. It happens. Often enough (I believe the U.S. has the worst or one of the worst maternal and infant mortality rates in the Western world). Being pregnant can be a dangerous state. Pregnancy is not guaranteed to last, be perfect, or result in a healthy baby. So it’s perfectly rational to be afraid of complications during pregnancy. I don’t know if it’s even possible to count the number of things that could potentially go wrong.
I get the urge to have a child every once in a while but I know that I would rather adopt and I also know that I am not financially ready for a child. … And I don’t want to be pregnant. Ever. ^_^
Oh, and as for being selfish? I don’t think there is ANYTHING wrong with being selfish sometimes. Especially when it comes to decisions that WILL change your life completely until the day you die.
I have two daughters. I love them and can’t imagine my life without them. I find nothing immoral or selfish in the childfree choice. My desire for my children was, and remains, quite selfish. It’s a God complex — Victor Frankenstein, no less — to wish to create life, life, LIFE! It pleasures me immensely to think that my children are a genetic expression of my DNA and my husband’s DNA combined. Selfish I am indeed.
I wish you the very best in your adoption. I think there is no more worthy act. Each small human needs a mother. You don’t have to be perfect. I am most certainly not.
As to the obligation to have children, that’s a horror. Have you read “The Handmaid’s Tale”?