Every time I walk outside in my neighborhood or somewhere downtown, men driving by in their cars or walking by me have the tendency to whistle and holler obscene things at me, or sometimes they just leer at me in a really skeezy way. I mean, it’s flattering to have someone tell you they think you’re pretty or something, but it’s another thing to have someone yell out how much they want to have sex with you. I don’t even dress provocatively or anything. It always irks me because I want to say something but I don’t want to get myself into a predicament, especially since I’m a small girl and I’m always paranoid I’ll get raped.
I was wondering if you had any tips for girls in these types of situations.
Meri
“American Girl In Italy” by Ruth Orkin
There is a famous photograph by Ruth Orkin, depicting a young woman walking down the street as a group of men whistles. Cat-calling has been going on for centuries: single women of all ages, shapes, sizes and races having to endure unwanted attention from men. No matter what you wear, where you go, or how attractive you are, if you’re a woman, eventually you’ll have to deal with this.
Let’s cut right to the chase and take a look at why some men do it. I asked a couple guys for insight and they all seem to think it’s done for the same reason: machismo, signaling primarily to other males that they are hyper-sexual because they believe this is what’s expected of them. Rarely will you see a guy yelling sexual remarks at you across the street when he’s on his own. This type of behavior usually occurs in men who are surrounded by their male friends. He is not hollering at you per se as much as he is posturing for his friends.
To men reading this: no hook-up ever resulted from obnoxious yelling. Just thought I’d put that out there.
So how do you deal with this caveman behavior? The best thing to do is to ignore it and keep moving. (If it’s coming persistently from the same person, it might indicate a bigger problem such as stalking, and you might want to reach out to authorities in your city/school/place of business where this occurs.) While the idea of responding might seem appealing – especially for those of us with a quick wit! – it is ill-advised. All you accomplish by this is prolonging the unpleasant interaction, which could degenerate further into trading insults. You definitely don’t want to engage them a-la Christina Aguilera & Lil’ Kim.
You mentioned your fear of getting raped. I hesitate to discount any potentially threatening situation, but the majority of rapes are perpetrated by people the victim knows. If a stranger was to sexually assault you, they would probably avoid attracting attention to themselves by shouting sexually-charged comments. Of course, there are exceptions and it’s all the more reason to keep moving and not engage.
Can you protect yourself from cat-calls? Not really. But, you can minimize them by having a friend – especially a male friend – accompany you. Stay vigilant & stay safe!
Deerlings: how do you manage these situations?
My God, this happens to me all the time when I’m out without my husband. (and all the years before I even knew him. Disrespectful and un-gentlemanly behaviour infuriates and sickens me! and it usually comes from the creepiest types :( to avoid a potentially harmful situation, I just hold my head high and ignore it, or sometimes I give them a hard look to show my disapproval. but I do not try to instigate an altercation.
Meri, just don’t study it. be confident and don’t take on those stupid men! they are not worth the trouble. If you are really in doubt, learn self-defense and keep vigilant. that will definitely help if someone does try to step to you. Remember that real gentlemen are worthy of you, forget the rest that are not!
I’ve received my fair share of catcalling and the best advice I can offer is to ignore it. Usually I’m walking around with headphones in so I can’t hear what’s going on anyways. However, if you want to confront them, by all means do it. My friend unleashed hell on a bunch of construction workers who always catcalled her and they left her alone after that. Get loud, draw attention to what they’re doing, and don’t hold back. The only way they’ll learn to stop is if you make it clear this isn’t okay. And all the other days of the week, hold your head high and strut. Confidence will help you in spades.
I have never seen another “Meri” spell her name that way. I thought my Mom was the only one! I’ve always thought it was such a pretty way to spell it.
I’ve dealt with this kind of thing a lot in my day. Mostly because of my large chest and big hips. I guess huge curvy women are sluts? I’ve been told that by a few cat callers. But, I tend to have this “secret weapon” as my beau calls it where I can go from cute and sweet body language to a defensive, intimidating one in the blink of an eye. I’ve never done it consciously, but once he told me I did it I paid attention to myself and as soon as they started talking and I “pulled out my secret weapon” the cat calls stopped instantly and they left me alone.
My advice is really to ignore it. Be proud of who you are with your pretty name and ignore them. Because you know you’re worth more then those cat calls. And those men are worth nothing if they partake in that disgusting behavior!
<3 Much love, Meri!
Meri Reply:
February 24, 2010 at 11:14 pm
Thanks for the advice and compliments. Meri is actually short for Merisenda. ;)
I actually find that, depending on the situation and the type of harassment, making eye contact and indicating how hurt and unhappy you are can have good results.
Obviously if you’re alone on a dark street and there are a lot of people, no, don’t do that, just get out of there. But if it’s broad daylight and there are a lot of other people around, stores for you to go into, whatever, I’ve found that responding with a REALLY hurt look, and even calling back something like ‘why would you say something so rude?’ has made a lot of men back off. Look ashamed of themselves even.
I think it has a lot to do with the crowd mentality. If you have a LOT of people, then the collective force of their ‘machismo’, as Doe put it, can make it hard to break through and reach a person. But In my experience, if you were to hypothetically just talk to one of these guys, they would not feel that cat-calling you was appropriate. It’s the group-think that does it. So, if it’s a small enough group or even just one or two, I find that you can actually shame them sometimes. Although, I agree, it’s rarely just one person.
But the bottom line is you have to use your judgement. If you feel really threatened, you should never do anything that might escalate the situation and put yourself in danger.
I had this happen to me on 2 different occasions. I was 13 when both happend and the same man did it twice!!! One time I was walking past his apartment window and he whistled and gave me one of those weird kisses. Then about 3 weeks later I was walking buy the same apartment window,(I have to walk past his window to get to school), and he did the sam thing again! But there were more people and he yelled “come here baby!” And then I screamed back “IM 13 YOU PERVERT!” And he has left me alone ever since!
Doe Deere Reply:
February 23, 2010 at 2:18 pm
Haha, you rock!!
Just thought I’d throw in another vote for the “confidence” defense. When I was young and had little confidence, I used to get this sort of behaviour a lot. Once I learned to stop fearing that something would happen that I couldn’t deal with and stopped carrying myself like a victim (predators can spot the weak), the incidence of men treating me like that really dropped off. Don’t be scared. That’s what attracts them. Good luck.
Meri Reply:
February 24, 2010 at 11:18 pm
I guess I could use more confidence. I’ve had traumatizing experiences with men when I was younger. I guess I just need to be more fierce!
Great post Doe, and unfortunately I know this is a real problem that plagues almost every woman sometimes! I really find it appalling that some men find that behavior acceptable (but you make a great point about machismo and showing off to male cohorts). I always ignore and just try to walk a little faster, but some of these comments make good points about responding in a way that will make them realize how oafish and backward their actions really are.
I’ve also noticed it to be a *lot* worse in some other cultures, so if you think we have it bad here in America… For example one night in Mexico, after my sister and I had been out to a nightclub, we had to walk home past hundreds and hundreds of cars stuck in a traffic jam along the main road. And the passengers in every. single. one. honked, whistled, shouted lewd things, etc at us THE ENTIRE WAY. It was one of the most mortifying experiences ever. We both were walking as fast as our legs would carry us and staring at the ground and after awhile just starting saying (under our breath) “fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.”
Oh dear, i’m so glad you wrote an entry on this. unfortunately, this has happened to me more than once and i absolutely hate it. guys think the ladies will appreciate that behavior or remarks when really we just want to run the heck out of there.
i remember this one time i was on my way home and there was a construction site for a new lot of town homes. i thought nothing of it. they’re busy working, the sun is scorching hot so i thought they’d be inside the buildings but, no. like you said, i wasn’t dressing provocatively. i was in sweat pants! then i started hearing whistling and remarks from the construction workers. i hated it. i felt so exposed and uncomfortable. i wanted to run but the strip of construction site was too long and i wanted to show that i couldn’t hear them or it didn’t bother me.
after this incidence i was afraid to walk home alone again or whenever i had to i would wear a sweater to totally cover myself up.
Doe Deere Reply:
February 23, 2010 at 5:38 pm
Haha, I’m noticing a lot of stories involving construction sites. Come to think of it, I avoid walking by those for that very reason – someone will always say something!
Kahani Reply:
February 24, 2010 at 12:09 am
While living in London for about 3 months there was a construction site at the end of my street. Depending on what I wore the whistles (English men are generally not given to saying rude things. They whistle.) would start at varying distances. I actually started to measure how near I’d get before the chorus of otter-like catcalls would start. I remember when I was reviewing a fuschia lippy the whistles started the moment I turned into the street. ;)
This happened to me so much when I lived in New York City. Mostly, like everyone else, I ignored it, but I always make sure they see my look of utter disdain, even if I don’t respond. XD
Once, I did get in a minor screaming match with a newsstand guy once after he was the one cat-caller too many, and I was tired of seeing their leery grins… hahaha!
aw man..the dreaded cat calls..i hate those and being a woman with a big chest i hear them all the time! it’s so annoying and like Miss Doe Deere said no hookup has ever started with an asinine comment or cat call..i too have taken the high road and ignored the whistles or “hey baby” but, then there have been times where ignoring the guy makes him mad and then they start calling out derogatory terms and name calling.
with some people you will never be able to win or understand their way of thinking. i guess the best way to ignore the unwanted attention is to put your headphones in and turn the mp3 player on that way you can be oblivious to it all!
Hey Meri et al
Yes I agree to y’all that confidence is the key. But at the same time being it can be very hard, especially at a younger age (technically it can be a never ending story but back to my point :)
About the fear in general:
What can help you building up confidence is to attend a course/training in self-defense.
When I was 14 I used to be v e r y paranoid and when walking home alone along an empty street at night I was afraid of every single car driving by convinced a door would open and I never see daylight again. Cars even seemed to slow down when coming closer and even though it might have been true in one or the other case it was my colorful imagination slowing them down – at least that is what I think now at the age of 29 looking back ^_^
I went to a Jiu Jitsu (sorry for any misspelling) class which was financed through a non-profit organization. I am sure you can find something organized by your school/employer/local community etc. We were for example introduce to what can be used as “weapon” that you carry in your handbag – starting with the key to your door (outch) to a simple pen (oooutch) over to things you can purchase yourself such as pepper spray etc.
I am sure any kind of class on self-defense would help. It gives you a very practical view on how would you actually react if something would happen – and simply knowing what one could do boosts your confidence to a level that you wouldn’t think of. I advise to give it a try.
Of course bad things can always happen. But only to know there are options increases confidence a lot. And that reflects in the way you appear, walk, etc. AND THAT is it what will make insecure men leave you alone – they haunt for (o)the(r) insecure ones and YOU KNOW YOU ARE CONFIDENT, right? ;)
With regard to confrontation I just want to mention this scene from a SatC episode where Miranda’s in a state of sexual frustration and rents a lot of DVD’s to forget about it – but there is this construction site and one of the workers always cat-calls at her when she passes – until this day when she feels it is enough and totally confronts this guy with “BRINGT IT ON” and he goes “but I am married I didn’t mean it that way” HA! Sorry but I had to mention this, so good ^_^
All the best <3
I’ve never had it too bad, I guess because I live in a small town, and because of my bull dog walk
It’s a way of walking I developed for when I’m out with my dog, he has a real alpha complex so if you don’t act like you own the world he takes over, and by takes over I mean turns into a biting people monster. So, through trying to keep him in check I sort of taught myself how to turn my usual, shy looking at the ground walk, into this ultra confidant walk, it keeps my dog in check and the stupid guys :)
Arrgh! I’ve gotten both cat calls and guys asking me out. I don’t dress provacatvely either and I try to keep to myself too so it’s not like a engage in friendly conversations with strangers. It happens at least once a week unless I decide to stay home (but where’s the fun in that especially when it’s sunny out?!)
I always just ignore them, if they tell me I’m pretty I say thank you sometimes and keep walking. Twice I’ve had older guys ask me out, both times they tried to get to know me by asking if I was going to school and if I liked my job. When they asked if I’d like to go out sometime I just smiled and said, “No, sorry.” Then they left right away hahaha
It’s even worse when I go to clubs though, I just stick my hand right out and say the same thing, “No! Sorry man.” and shake my head and keep dancing.
Whilst I understand the reasons the people above have said to plug yourself in to an ipod or mp3 player I have to say it’s also the worst advice you can ever receive in a situation like that. Sure, you can block out what they’re saying, hell you might not even notice them at all, but it makes you very vulnerable because suddenly you are not paying enough attention to your surroundings. Plug yourself in and see what happens, you go into your own world and that is when you are less likely to hear or spot dangers. Is not hearing a few lewd comments also worth not hearing someone come up behind you to mug you or put you in a dangerous situation? If you want to stay safe, stay smart, stay alert and if you believe that you are in danger or being followed, head into a store, or into a very public place, make sure you can get help or phone the police. Where possible, never walk home alone especially after dark. If getting a taxi, do not get one alone. If you’re going somewhere, inform a housemate or friend of when you intend to be back. I have always considered myself savvy enough, and strong enough to hold my own but it’s really not worth testing.
I sometimes wear headphones but have my music turned off. So people think I can’t hear them and I don’t have to even look at cat-callers, but I can still hear what’s going on around me.
I’ve luckily been spared this act for the most part.
But there’s just something in me that just cannot keep quiet and move along when it does happen. I will keep walking but I’ll flip them the middle finger or yell something back at them. It’s just a natural reaction for me to want to bite their heads off. And it usually happens with friends so maybe that inspires some confidence in me to react in a different but somewhat the same way that it inspires the men to yell out when they’re with their friends.
I’ve seen my friends put up with so much that it just makes me even more intolerant of it happening. Here’s hoping it won’t land me in a world of trouble one day!
I would like to quote my favorite musician, Amanda Palmer from her song Ampersand.
“The ghetto boys are cat calling me/ As i pull my keys from my pocket/ I wonder if this method of courtship has ever been effective/ Has any girl in history said ‘sure you seem so nice. Lets get it on’/ Still I alwasy shock them when I answer “HI My name is Amanda.’
When I get cat called, I usually follow Amanda’s stance (of course within reason, in a dark alley way I run head high for my car and turn it on. At least I have a weapon!) by turning to the jerks, and saying “Hi, I’m Melinda! Can you please grown the f-up and learn some respect!”
Of course as a teacher, I can’t really say that to the teenage boys (I sure do look like a teenager) but they end up poking fun at themselves when other students laugh and point at them saying that they have hit on the teacher.
When I worked at the Adult Store, and men would think that I was there for a free ride, I’d get loud with a whole bunch of customers in the store and start yelling at the top of my lungs that its inappropriate, rude and I’ll call the cops if they continue. Most leave the store within seconds because all the women’s eyes were on them. Some stayed only to be escorted by the cops.
Best option though is to ignore it. It won’t change unless most men come to the realization that its not right to do that. Or have a nice burly guy with you, My boyfriend has gotten into several conflicts because he really doesn’t appreciate the comments men give me. I’m pretty good at taking care of myself if the conflict becomes physical (Think Kat from the Movie 10 things I hate about YOu, and the poor boy she kicked) but thats extreme.
<3 Melinda
Yeah, some guys will leer and cat-call at any girl, even 12-year-olds. It doesn’t feel dangerous to me, so I just ignore it. If you’re in a dark alley with a group of guys doing that, you might not want to purposely provoke them. But I don’t think they’re likely to jump you or anything like that.
Once a guy tried to pick me up in a strip club. How sleazy is that? He was just in town on a business thing, and he said he came there maybe once a month and would I like to get together to have a drink with him whenever he’s in town? (I wasn’t even 21 then.) He finally went away when I told him I had a boyfriend. Situations like that are weird because you’re pretty sure they’re not there just to chat you up, but they’re just asking you questions and it’s not like I’m going to respond rudely to them when they’re just conversing. And it would be awkward to just try to squeeze in “Ihaveaboyfriend!” at the beginning. I hate treating people like I’m assuming certain behaviors and motives from them.
Casual’ is the devil when it comes to fashion. NEVER dress down, even if you’re just going to pick up some toilet paper.
— Doe Deere :)
can i just say how amazing that quote is?!
that is how i live my life everyday! im so happy someone
feels the same way as me!
keep being wonderful!
xoxoox
-jade!!
it’s annoying but i try to ignore it…. doesn’t hurt to carry some pepper spray in your bag though ;)…
It happened to me today…
I wasn’t that far away from home when I saw two men in a car. They smiled and waved to me. I was a bit surprised the first secounds. Then I turned around to se if I was able to se them, but I wasn’t able to see them. Then I just went home without thinking about it.
But anyway, when I was in Tunisia last x-mas, a man(I guess he was a farmer or something) asked the tour guide (we were on a camel trip) how many camels we were worth.
Katie Reply:
February 23, 2010 at 9:43 pm
When my family went to Egypt (without me, boo), I man offered my parents seven camels for my sister. My dad asked what he would want seven camels for.
Sadly this occurrence happens to me quite often.
I usually walk away and ignore it. That or I have my ipod too loud to notice…:D
Id usually advise women just to ignore them and move on HOWEVER, ive had men try to follow in order to get the reaction they want or chance their luck when ive done that on ocassion (UK men seem to be extra cocky)……until i got a reputation for having a friendly knee (that has been introduced to a few sex pests nether-regions over the years) then theres always that little solution i call eau de pepperspray (I opt for the knee personally as your not really meant to use pepperspray and i can get away with the knee better lol).
Regarding engaging them……..i find a remark along the lines of “your c*ck looks small in those pants/trousers, come down here and use that language on me, and small will be the least of your worries, it will become non-exist” usually helps, but i find thats prob cos they think im mental and are usually horrified i discuss castrations, scalpels, how i do forensics and what not,
win win for me eitherway as they usual shut up and i move on. Im glad i intimidate men 9 out of 10 times, until i try to find a date that is lol ;)
The man friend thing may help some at times but over here in UK if anything i find if guys want to get cocky or pose for their mates, they do it whether youve got a man or not with you, infact if a man is with you, more often than not the poor guy will end up jumped by several and beaten up if he defends a girl etc, hence why we gotta learn to defend ourselves if need be, or learn to handle it in a way you scare the dudes sh*tless or make them just laugh and give up.
I don’t really experience stuff like that much – but I recommend earplugs and loud volume, blasting your favourite music. ;) That way they can whistle until their voice fades and you won’t hear it. In short, just ignore it. They’re in it for the attention, so just don’t provide.
And as Doe pointed out, whistlers aren’t usually the kind of people who would rape you because of the attention they’ve drawn to each other – and whistlers hunt in a pack, while rapists more often than not fly solo.
I just ignore it! I don’t want to look like I’m bothered, and I definitely don’t want to give them any sign that the attention is wanted.
One time though, some teens pulled up beside me in a car and whistled and asked if I needed a ride. I asked them if this sort of thing ever worked for them. To my horror, they said that it did (though perhaps they were just trying to redeem their egos).
This happens far too often.
When it does, I usually hold my held high, laugh at them in a condescending manner, and keep walking.
My cousin likes to take the hands-on approach and confront the cat-callers about being disrespectful Neanderthals. She’s a bit bigger than me and her confidence is far more obvious, so she’s pretty intimidating.
It has never happende to me, but I have tried that a couple of guys walked pass me and one of the grope my butt. I was so angry! Mostley because they did it when I was walking hand in hand with my boyfriend. Geez such immature hooligans!
We have many stupid rules in DK. If you get attacked in order for the rapist to rape you, you are hardy allowed to do eny selfdeffens, unless you can prove it to the court, or you might just get a sentence yourself. Plus it takes a weapons permission in DK to have a pebberspray.
Michelle Reply:
February 23, 2010 at 7:15 pm
Sorry my bad, its catually against the laws for a privat citizens to own/carry around a pebberspray, but the police are allowed to use it >__>
C Reply:
February 23, 2010 at 11:55 pm
Someone groped a friend of mine on a busy street. I chased him down, shouting and punching him. I’m sure he enjoyed the attention and went on to grope other women, but ugh. Why do some guys think that is acceptable??
If it’s construction workers or the equivalent you can always call their employers and complain, call the construction company and the company that they’ve been hired by.
Otherwise I’ve gotten really good at just ignoring it or laughing really really hard, which is easy because they sound so dumb.
I always ignore it, if they were going to rape you, I really doubt they’d make their presence know. I usually text on my phone, or if I know I’m entering a area where I’m likely to get cat calls, I call up a friend on the phone and just talk to them to keep my attention completely elsewhere.
Depending on your state and city’s laws, carry pepperspray if you feel very unsafe, a lot of places have cute, pink, and unnoticeable tiny keychain sprays.
I also always carry my car keys between my fingers so I can hit someone with the keys locked tightly in my fist IF someone were to attack me.
and I guess, if you’re old enough, feel you’re level-headed and responsible enough, you could always get your license to carry a concealed weapon, if you feel you’re in an extremely bad area. I know you probably really want to say something back, but its really just feeding their ego and kind of eggs them to go on.
Meri Reply:
February 24, 2010 at 11:33 pm
I live in a ghetto hood in Los Angeles. It’s hard not to get paranoid haha. I also have the tendency to attract strange and crazy people – I’ve been followed and chased on numerous occasions. I’m like crazy paranoid now.
It’s happened to me before and I was only 14! Ew.
My advice would be to stop thinking about getting raped. Ever heard of “what you think, you become?” Think of happy thoughts when you’re walking in the street. Don’t look when you hear someone who whistles or yells nasty things at you because when you look it’s like telling them that what they’re doing works. So learn to ignore and avoid eye contact.
Once I almost made a man fall from a construction ladder…
He said something really disgusting so I went there and shook that damn thing.
I was always given the advice to ignore it, hold my head high, and keep walking. This advice has never really helped me much, whenever I follow it I spend the rest of the day fuming and I feel meek, like I let them get away with it.
I had an incident about a week ago when a couple of guys walked passed me in the lobby of my building, looked me up and down and cat-called (while I was completely bundled up in my winter coat and earmuffs, for goodness sake!). My automatic response was to roll my eyes and keep walking, but they continued making remarks. I turned around and yelled, “fuck off!” at them just before I exited the building. They both stopped talking and kind of stared at me, dumbfounded. (I weigh just over 100 pounds and had a big bow in my hair that day, I don’t think they expected such a sweet-looking girl to flip out on them!)
But before I said anything I had to quickly assess the situation: Did I think they were going to insult me back? Would they assault me? Did I feel safe sticking up for myself? Lucky for me it was broad daylight on a college campus. Even though there wasn’t anyone else in the immediate area I knew there were plenty of people nearby. Your response really depends on the situation. Usually, I think NOT ignoring it puts men in their place and makes them shut it.
Oh, and to people who say just listen to music. Predators have confirmed they single out people who appear to have no confidence, are listening to music or are on their cell phones because they seem distracted. Music might discourage stupid remarks, but it encourages attackers. Just be aware of your surroundings!
I’m a big fan of the come back IF AND ONLY IF the situation calls for it. IE it’s guys just being ass holes for the sake of looking like men (as Doe said) and not actual skeezy guys. The best results I’ve ever gotten were the situations where they’d catcall and I’d yell back that catcalls don’t make your dick bigger. *shrugs* Seems to shut ‘em up pretty quickly.
Also… Amanda Palmer has a song about this, hahahah.
Melinda Reply:
February 23, 2010 at 11:41 pm
I quoted up above! Its a great comeback response! Give us confidence girl!
You might find a way of putting him to shame by yelling, “Jesus loves you!” Chances are, the guy is a believer.
This is the worst! Just like most of these gals, I ignore it almost 98% of the time. Recently I was at a stop waiting to cross the street when a man about 15 years older then me said “Can I ask you a question?” I was sure he was going to ask for money or directions. Instead he asked a most thing obscene disgusting thing and I was appalled. Based on the look on his face I knew he was a predator, probably disturbs girls quite frequently and somehow feels good about it. I yelled at him (so sick of this stuff) that he was disgusting, that he should not talk to women that way, and to get a life. He gasped and actually said “What? Oh come on” like I was the one being unreasonable. Sometimes (and be careful about this I was on a busy city street) you have to snap back to the seriously creepy ones that are in it for more then “acting like a man”(however that works) and more because they are disturbed people.
This happens to me as well, actually more often it is when they are not accompanied by other men, which it makes it more creepy.
I think it’s best to just walk confidently and quickly towards your destination without acknowledging the person.
Good post Doe!
When a guy starts yelling at me on the street or when I’m driving in my car, I manage to make a really disgusting face and start acting like a crazy person. It usually scares them off pretty fast. When it doubt, act completely nuts. I get a pretty good laugh out of it, as well.
Okay so my disgusting/crazy person tactic definitely does work and is fun but if you find yourself in a seriously dangerous situation, it is best not to think like a victim. Stand your ground and release all inner anger. Do NOT act like a victim, that’s how people get hurt – predators can always tell when someone is vulnerable.
ugh, this happens to me CONSTANTLY. not just cat-calling either, but often touching and propositioning.
i was once stuck on a full greyhound bus next to a man who kept rubbing my back and telling me how nice my skin was. the bus was full, so i couldn’t move, and i was trapped on the inside seat! it was the scariest 2 hours of my life.
i’ve also had many, MANY skeevy old men try to follow me home or in one case, ask me to be the mother of their next child.
Mandy Reply:
February 24, 2010 at 7:55 am
ugh! that’s awful maybe next time the thing a guy like that needs is a good dose of public humiliation!
something like yelling so the whole bus/room can hear “get your hands off me perv!!!” he will shrink to an inch high when everyone looks his way with a disaproving look *giggles*
This happens to me a lot. I live downtown and even during winter when I’m bundled up to the eyes some men still feel the need to catcall and say horrible things. It used to make me feel weak and upset (sometimes it still does, when it’s dark at night and I have no choice but to be polite and get myself out of the situation ASAP). The worst part about it is that these men like to continue walking alongside you while the keep bothering you or trying to pick you up. It’s disgusting. During the day, when it’s busy, I’m always the one to confront!
My advice? When you feel uncomfortable while you’re out and about, perhaps like you feel someone’s following you or watching you, walk like you’re about to kick some serious ass! It can deter a good amount of catcallers and the like. It’s definitely gotten men to leave me alone on many occasions. But remember there are still predators out there no matter what you do to discourage them. Be alert, stay safe :)
Mandy Reply:
February 24, 2010 at 7:51 am
That’s good advice but not everyone can pull off that look lol
I always look like I couldn’t hurt a fly ugh!
I remember reading somewhere that rapists tend to go for women that are too self-conscious, shy, or distracted. So basically I try to make it seem I’m very self aware and that I’m confident in myself if I ever feel I’m that kind of situation. I also have little to no kind of way to protect myself (as I haven’t taken any kind of fighting lessons, etc), but I’ve heard that if it comes down to it, keys can be a handy weapon.
I regularly use the “headphones in, but no music on” trick. It seems to stop guys catcalling if they think I can’t hear them, and it certainly stops (most) people from making unwanted conversations/advances. Really though, I’d say ignore it, and if the situation seems dangerous get away as quickly as possible.
Mandy Reply:
February 24, 2010 at 7:48 am
That is an awesome idea! I don’t like to walk around in public with music on because it makes me feel like I’m not alert and I never thought of just having them in LOL
My favorite is when a guy walks past me and says something like “How you doin’ tonight?” and in my deepest, manliest voice I bellow, “I’M HUNGRYYYY!” Usually throws them off enough to knock it off. And it has the added bonus of sending my friends into giggle fits.
I still don’t get why guys do it. I’d be surprised if that ever worked even once, and if so, the girl must have had little to no self respect.
Dansukker Reply:
February 25, 2010 at 12:50 pm
OH MY GAWD! I laughed so hard! XD
I have to try that sometime! Hahahahaaa!
Wow, really, just wow!
CFS Reply:
February 26, 2010 at 7:34 pm
that is an amazing idea. def gonna try that one. LOL
I agree ignore them they want attention so don’t give it to them don’t even look there way that stings them lol
And it’s soooo true they always do it when another guys around.
I dont agree with ignoring all the time. Theres a time and a place for everything but I personally, if its appropriate for the situation, will reply. The only way they learn is if you show them its not alright.
I know that many girls have that problem and I find it disgusting in most of the cases, because some girls seem to get shouted at, no matter what they wear, be it jeans and sweater or whatever.
But that Christina Aguilera-Video shows the other side also. I mean, how hot can temperature get outside to force you to wear hotpants like this? and if its not that hot, what do you wear it for then?
I mean, some girls just like to dress sexy. and i mean really sexy. and then they are like: “Cavemen” when some guy tells them they look hot. If they dont like to get that much attention, why do they wear that mini skirt and the shirt with the huge decolte then???
Dressing sexy is not a thing that you do for yourself or for other women, dressing sexy is always built up on clothes and styles that men find sexually attractive. So can you really blame men to tell you that they like it?
Verde Reply:
February 24, 2010 at 5:31 pm
I believe that a person should have the right to dress however they want and be respected. People are entitled to have their style and their reasons to wear those clothes. Would you say that if a person wears, oh, I don’t know, expensive clothes and jewelry that gives me the right to shout “Snob!!” at them? (Just to give and example where the style is clearly a personal choice, as opposed to someone who has their options restricted by not having much money)
Men have to understand that we are independent entities, not created to be displayed and/or used by them. And we should be able to walk in the tiniest outfit ever if we wanted to and be treated with the same respect as a nun.
So, no, a sexy outfit does not give men the right to be rude.
CFS Reply:
February 26, 2010 at 7:45 pm
agreed! there is NO EXCUSE for rude behavior EVER!
there is a difference between a man expressing that they like something (or someone) in a polite respectful way, and just being a disgusting PIG.
a low cut shirt, tight pants, short skirt, bright colors, etc is no excuse for gross behavior.
and for the record: i have NEVER EVER dressed for anyone but MYSELF. some of what i wear may be considered “sexy” by some, but again, i wear what i like because I like it, not because men like it. i’m sure i speak for many women on here.
Agnes Reply:
February 28, 2010 at 11:50 am
I didnt say it was an excuse. But I understand what makes men do that.
And think about it, what makes you wear supershort skirts and low cut shirts? im sure, you dont wear them because they are that comfortable or warm ore somewhat creative. You wear it, because you want to look sexy, which is not wrong, but you want to reach something with sexy clothes. Women dont have an eye for short skirts. They dont mind how short a skirt is. Women dress sexy for men. And sexy is equatable to “appealing to men”. And I dont make a difference weither somebody thinks: “Man, I’d so like to f*** that girl” or says it. In this case I prefer men to be honest.
Agnes Reply:
February 28, 2010 at 12:00 pm
btw I find it somehow strange how someone can ask for tolerance for sexy clothes that adress the sexual reception of men and on the other hand does not tolerate them telling the girl that they think she looks hot.
Tolerance is something that is asked for very often but given very few.
I get a lot of people yelling out at me….not because I’m super-cute or anything, but because I tend to wear very frilly, very Gothic outfits. It gains a lot of attention…I think my ‘favorite’ catcall to date was “WOOOOOO, DRACULA!!” from some guys in a truck x_x
Of course, about 99.9% of the ones I DO get are sexual in some way…a lot of guys I encounter seem to have this idea that all Goth girls are easy, but a lot of the time it’s coupled with I guess loathing…some not very nice emotion, at any rate, for a lifestyle they don’t understand, and that’s when it can be scary.
I honestly don’t know a whole lot about defending myself, but I’ve taken a couple of krav maga classes and will be taking more in the future.
Really interesting post Doe :)
It seems a little sad to me though how so many of you gorgeous ladies seem to handle this in a way, that turns this already negative experience into something even more negative.
I’m not saying I condone this behaviour, but I understand where it comes from, social dynamics etc. so I wont moan about it.
For me atleas, the best way of handling it has turned out to be playing along. Believe it or not, it works! For that you get some genuine smiles and a laugh. Wich in my book makes for a better day than being tense after such an encounter.
I MUST admit that it can escalate, but if that happens, just walking away with a disapproving look, a quirky smile and a wave is usually the end of it.
I promise you, you will be suprised how well things turn out when you are kind ;)
helixhair Reply:
February 25, 2010 at 4:53 pm
I agree sometimes I “play” along.. “I like your legs too” or just a plain “thanks” with a smile and keep walking. Depending on who its coming from these cat calls can be harmless bits of annoyances. Especially from older men hanging out in front of the VA hospital. I smile big for them, they are usually quite nice. However if someone is acting like a predator, as Amy mentioned earlier, its important to be AWARE and safe. For instance, some guy asks to ____ my____and he is a generation older. I am going to get pissed off and yell at the idiot jerkface.
Megan J. Reply:
February 28, 2010 at 7:16 pm
The problem with playing along though is that you’re encouraging rude and offensive behavior.
And you could be giving out the wrong signals which could end up with at least one of the guys approaching you thinking you like him.
-That could turn ugly and dangerous.
Plus, maybe it worked for you, but after you’ve played along and moved on, what about the next girl/woman that’s behind you? Is she going to get it worse than you did because you encouraged it?
-Then it comes down to escalation. Also dangerous.
You can’t smile and play along and then when it starts getting out of hand frown at them and tell them they are wrong for their behavior.
-Again, sending out mixed signals.
Besides, you don’t know these guys nor what your “playing along” could lead to. Maybe it gets uglier. Maybe they decide to follow you home.
It’s best to ignore it and keep walking if you’re alone or if you’re around a lot of people in a very public place yell/scream something at them to embarrass/shame them. Call them perverts or say that their comment/s are disrespectful/hurtful, etc.
Old guys at the VA hospital are one thing. But when a guy is yelling something at you about your breasts or what he’d like to do to you, calling you a slut, etc. Playing along isn’t a good idea.
Dansukker Reply:
March 4, 2010 at 1:12 pm
I wasn’t talking about predators here, i was talking about the ordinary construction worker.
Never has any of them thought i ‘liked’ them, I think you are taking this whole thing too seriously though, and about mixed signals, it’s not about telling them they are ‘wrong’ after playing along, it’s telling them that they’ve crossed from ‘stupid ass man humor’ to ‘thats totally disgusting’ tl;dr ‘here is my limit, now please stop’ is what I’m telling them when i walk away.
And I must say, having a lot of construction done in my area over the past ten years, I’ve never ever experienced them behaving worse the second time I meet. EVER. 80% of the time the don’t even cat call, they actually act like normal human beings and say good morning and have a nice day! Jeez…
But maybe it’s a cultural difference between you and I, I’m from the suburbs in denmark, and perhaps you are from somwhere very different, I dunno… I kinda hope so.
And the negative name calling, thats not what I would categorize as cat-calls at all, and that is something that should be discouraged.
I haven’t really had much of a problem with intimidating cat calling
the most recent one was totally harmless, I was walking past some dorms and a guy on the other side of the lawn shouted “Hey shawty! Hey yo shawty, I like yo hair!”
But then again scottsdale isn’t a very scary town now is it?