Deer Doe,
Yesterday, I got my first hate mail email. It isn’t the first time someone has said something cruel to me, I’ve heard it all in high school! But, even though the email wasn’t dripping with obscenities, it still has me feeling a little discouraged. The email was in regards to the similarities between my blog and another very popular blogger’s. Now, I’m sure everyone knows that similarities are always going to be found in this world, but it really hurts when you put yourself out there and put in a lot of effort into something you find joy in only to be told you’re a fake or a reflection of everyone else but yourself.
I am very much my own person! I work hard to learn everything I can to grow to be the best makeup artist and blogger I can be. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have worked very hard to love myself again and when I finally put myself out there, and say “Hello! I’m Brittany and I’m a fantastic, worthwhile person!” someone finds it necessary to refute that…
Doe, it’s no secret that you have seen meaner people in this world, how did you keep yourself from becoming discouraged and continue to follow your dreams and become successful icon for all of us with indie dreams along the way?
xoxo, Brittany
Dear Brittany,
Congratulations on your first negative feedback: you got noticed! It’s time to celebrate, but why do you feel so down? Let’s be honest: discouragement, self-doubt & apathy are all typical when confronted with not-so-nice feedback. Whether what is said is true or not, nobody likes to be criticized. A friend of mine who has a YouTube channel once said, “Why do I bother making and editing these videos when all I ever get in response is negativity and hate?”
Sometimes, hate is an indicator that you’re doing something wrong. Sometimes, it means you’re actually doing something right, and larger numbers of people are finding out about you (including those meanies who just can’t seem to keep their opinions to themselves). So what do you do? Give them a piece of your mind and block their email forever or consider their point of view and send a thoughtful response? It all depends on whether what you’re dealing with is actually hate or criticism.
Hate VS Criticism
Not all negative reactions are hate. Some of them can contain valuable feedback you should be paying close attention to, no matter how hard they are to swallow. To tell hate from criticism, I try to look out for the following indicators:
- Is the comment intended to be hurtful?
There is a way to express the same message in a way that’s hateful & offensive (“Your effin’ blog stinks!”) and critical in a constructive way (“I think your blog is derivative and could use more original content.”) The dividing line is the intent behind it. Is the comment meant to be hurtful or expresses a concern? What is the tone? It can be difficult to tell online sometimes, so I find it helpful to read the text with different intonations.
Profanity is a dead give-away: if someone is calling names, their goal is just to spit venom, not solve a problem. Such comments offer no choice but to be ignored, as there is nothing you can do. A concerned comment, however critical in nature, leaves room for a response and allows you to make things right — even if it’s overtime. This type of comment is the most valuable you can get, and should be taken seriously and acted upon if possible. It will only allow you to grow.
- Is the comment anonymous?
Constructive criticism is more likely to have a real name and face attached to it. I’m not trying to discount anonymous opinions altogether — they can be used positively, such as in research and democratic voting — but when it comes to expressing negative emotion online, anonymity takes on a different character. Because of the technological disconnect, we sometimes type up things we wouldn’t normally say to a person’s face, and come off way angrier than we normally would be in a similar situation off-line. Take all anonymous negative feedback with a grain of salt.
Bottom line: constructive criticism allows you to learn and improve, whereas hate is just… hate.
Some of the world’s most successful people are the ones criticized the most. It seems, no matter how nice, positive and happy you are, there is always someone wanting to tear you down (sometimes the nicer you are, the more determined they are to find a flaw). People do it for millions of different reasons: intimidation, jealousy, boredom, depression. I’ve seen the worst and the best of people online, and I can honestly say that the meanies are by far outnumbered (just because you have a loud mouth doesn’t make you more significant)! It comes down to simple mathematics: do most people enjoy what you do? Does the number of positive emails outweigh the negative? More importantly, do you enjoy what you do? When you started your blog, you probably did it because you had something exciting to contribute, and only you have the power to quit.
Deerlings: If you ever got a hateful letter or comment, we feel ya! How did you respond to it?
Part of the problem might be that people tend to have knee-jerk reactions online.
Let’s say Blogger A has a great blog with lots of readers, and Blogger B has a great blog with very many readers. Blog A and Blog B have similar subject matter, content, or style.
If someone who has read Blog A for years comes across Blog B one day, they might assume that Blog B is copying from Blog A. Then they might post something in the comments on Blog A saying, “Hey, Blogger B is copying you!!”
Sometimes, rather than investigating the claim for themselves, Blog A readers will just immediately start sending hate mail to Blog B. They feel like they are nobley defending their beloved Blogger A against a sneaky copycat. Sometimes Blog B really is copying Blog A or stealing content, but often they are not!
We all have interests and obvervations in common with lots of other people, no matter out creative or off-the wall they might be. In the vast infinity of the internet, stuff is just BOUND to get repeated sometimes. And that’s ok!
Before you ever send nasty notes to a blogger because you think they are copying, make sure that it’s not just a coincidence. Or maybe Blogger B is really inspired by Blog A, and they are just giving their spin on it!
Ariel Grimm Reply:
December 8, 2010 at 5:55 pm
So true. I started my blog, the Forest, three years ago and focus on arts & crafts and the forest lifestyle. I recently discovered The Dainty Squid’s blog and was laughing at the coincidences between us! Sure, someone could accuse me of copying her just because she’s more successful and well-known, but I know that it’s just a coincidence. People do get into the same things, big deal… No one “owns” their inspiration or ideas, they’re just there.
i don’t normally respond to those comments but i appreciate them more than anything! Isn’t it just great that someone who apparently doesn’t like you or what you do has spent some time and effort about letting you know how much he/she does hate you?? i find it amusing, he/she mmust be very obessed about you if he’s done so, i actually find more flattering a hate comment than a love one
So true, Doe! I find this very helpful for when I get “hate”/”criticism”. :D
Christian Dior said, “I don’t care about what the critics say so long as it is on the front page.”
Words to live by, Loves.
<3 Rickey
Thanks Doe :)
A mi también me pasó alguna vez, casi dejo mi blog. Pero seguí y ahora estoy muy contenta, cada vez tengo más comentarios satisfactorios y ese comentario de odio pasó al olvido. Muchas gracias Doe. Kisses
Zanthia Reply:
December 8, 2010 at 2:17 pm
¿De dónde eres? Voy a leer su blog para practicar el español porque mi hermana está trabajando en Guatemala. Sé un poco de español, pero tengo que aprender a escribir cartas a mi hermana! Estamos de Illinois :-)
Doe Deere Reply:
December 8, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Ah! I wish I could understand what you guys are saying :)
Zanthia Reply:
December 8, 2010 at 7:54 pm
Rocco’s comment is in English below (#7)
My comment says: “Where are you from? I am going to read your blog in order to practice Spanish because my sister is working in Guatemala. I know a little Spanish, but I have to learn to write letters to my sister! We are from Illinois :-)”
I love all of the different nationalities of people on your blog, Doe!!
Chelsea Reply:
December 9, 2010 at 3:33 am
I’m kind of excited that I can understand it, but I probably couldn’t write it out. 4 years of spanish classes down the drain!
I also spent some time, almost let my blog. But I continued and now I am very happy each time I have more comments satisfactory and hate that comment was forgotten. Doe thank you very much.Kisses
I think people feel the internet as “other worldly,” like it’s a separate place from real life. People have access to loads of blogs and videos which feature real people. With more than a billions people on the internet, it sort of can be hard to think of the people inside your screen as real. That is probably why it’s so easy to send hate mail to people.
Think about it. How many people in real life have just come up to some one and said, “You suck! Go away!” They’d probably be greeted with some awfully mean stares. But on the internet, you don’t know the person, and they probably don’t know where you live or what you even look like. That brings be back to my first point; that the internet is like some other magical planet. Just because you don’t see the consequences your words have on other people doesn’t mean they don’t exist. A happy comment on a blog can make a person’s day, and a hateful comment could make their day come crashing down.
So I just because people feel anonymous on the internet means they think their words don’t have any affect. If you get hate mail and you don’t know the person or have ever talked to them, just brush the hate off. They don’t deserve to get a reaction out of you. :)
Darling, I have just discovered you and am really impressed on what a fantastic brand you have created for yourself. Coming from 20 years in the beauty industry myself I love to see new blood created from scratch in such a unique way. In my recent online investigations you are truly an original and you are beautiful. Stunning, in fact : )
This online world does bring out the positive and the negative because people can hide behind text when they aren’t face to face. Unfortunately, the negative is part of human nature. I would chalk it up to jealousy, erase, delete and ignore. Giving a response to them is giving satisfaction. You are right to say that it means you are popular and out there ! Look at Madonna….any press is good press !
You create beauty and love. Keep that up because you do it so well !!!
Cheryl
Doe Deere Reply:
December 8, 2010 at 6:44 pm
Hey Cheryl! Thanks so much, it means a lot coming from an industry veteran. :) What do you do?
I got accused of stealing the idea of someone once, they didn’t criticise me directly to me, but rather talked about me behind my back. I confronted one of them about it, and she apologized and we both moved on. I’m fairly certain it was mostly a misunderstanding, but I refused to just sit there and watch them wrongly accuse me of something like that. :)
i think you shouldnt worry about it and talking about it can make her think she means something to you.
people like her should be ignored.
;)
BLOCK AND DELETE! Thats my motto. You dont even have to waste your energy responding because they dont DESERVE a response. Yes you will feel bad about it for a little bit. I dont blog, YET, but I go on facebook or twitter, or in your case your blog, rant about it for a little bit, get it out of my system and Its all over. BLOCK them from your blog and DELETE thier comment and they dont exist anymore. :)
Out of the 20 hate comments I have gotten I have gotten 1000 good comments. Cherish and enjoy those. Thats where you will get your strength.
this is a wonderful video from another blogger about dealing with negative comments: http://www.mademoisellerobot.com/2009/04/mrtv-dealing-with-negative-comments.html
I like most that she points out that constructive crit., unlike hate, usually offers a solution (for ex, if you say the blog is “derivative, needs more original content” there’s a solution offered. As for haters, gonna paraphrase Nicki Minaj and say that your haters are your motivators! it is basically impossible to have any kind of stance (visual or opinion) without offending at least one person. The alternative is like khaki– boring and no personality so as not to offend, but not at all memorable.
When confronted with negativity, you just have to think, which makes you more happy? Doing what you love, or giving in to hate? I would rather do what I love, personally!
Very sound and wise advise Doe! I think we can all identify with getting criticism which is why I always hesitate when posting anything online (and I don’t even have a blog). Everyday criticism is often getting out of hand isn’t it, “are you going to wear that?”. Also I don’t know about this Brittany but I know I used to get teased and bullied for my name because of celebrities like Britney Spears and Brittany Murphy. To this day I still hear things like “I know a girl name Brittany”, well that’s great but what does that have to do with me? Talk about singularities all people need is my name and they go on endlessly about a celebrity or a girl they “once knew”.
Ahem…sorry for the rant:) Anyways I hope you don’t get too discouraged Britt because I just discovered your blog today and I’m looking forward to reading it in the future!
Brittany S Reply:
December 8, 2010 at 8:27 pm
Similarities not singularities–wow those two are spelled a lot alike,lol.
I find anonymous negative comments amusing. It tells me that the person leaving them is both pathetic and has no gall. People like that just aren’t worth my time. As far as negative comments in general, they don’t occur often, but I am always prepared to give a counter argument. The problem with discussions though, is that most people are too immature or closed minded to consider someone else’s perspective, so it make discussions rather boring. More than likely though, I am always ready to remind the commenter that they possess free will and are more than capable of ignoring what I do online, whether it be content that I post, or what I may right. Whatever you decide to do though, always take the high road, be the bigger person and be mature, because when all is said and done, it just frustrates whomever is trying to get the rise and reaction from you and demolishes their efforts entirely. Kill them with kindness, as mum always said! And that, is the sweetest victory.
I think well done! you obviously made an impact for someone to feel so strongly!
I’ve only gotten one piece of negative mail from my blog, and it was from an ex. I got it around the same time as a couple of other bloggers in my niche were responding to a particular piece of hate mail. They tackled the situation with such dignity and grace, so I felt inspired to do the same.
The difference is that I knew my hate-mailer personally, and theirs was anonymous; that definitely changes the game, my hate mail became less about the quality of my work and more about the quality of our relationship. The silver lining is that the incident made me realize just how inseparable I am from my work, which is a deeply meaningful experience for the creative type.
(if you’re curious you can read about the incident here: http://ohemgillie.wordpress.com/2010/11/16/national-assholes-with-emails-week/)
It’s terrible when people are mean, but I believe they do so because they are insecure!
There is an old saying that you should never respond to bad criticism that I think is always a good standby. Responses drag you down, make you look petty. Read it, accept it and move on.
Doe Deere Reply:
December 9, 2010 at 12:22 pm
I think it is sometimes necessary to respond to criticism (but not outright hate). Whether you’re planning to take it to heart or not, it’s good to let people know that they’ve been heard. Also, if a criticism is based on an untruth, it’s important to immediately set the record straight. I’m speaking from a personal experience, I once made the mistake of ignoring a rumor and some people actually assumed it was true!
really enjoyed this post…it’s a smaller world than we think…whether we know it or not almost everything we create comes from some sort of inspiration..someone else can easily be inspired by the same exact things. If you think about it blogger A at some point may have been inspired to create that blog reading another blog..but there IS a difference between being inspired and copying without any credit given.
I had a female friend point you out to me because you looked a lot like Emily Browning. I bought your CD (Doe Deere) and enjoyed the retro / pop feel to it. I was sad to see that you were put on the ED page:( Keep your head high and don’t let all this get to you. I’ve seen anonymous bully a lot of good people over the years. They enjoy hurting others and I saw the main players who are encouraging people to bully you and I can see why. They are jealous because you’re really a beautiful creative person. They want to tear that down to make themselves feel better.
I don’t really know how I feel about this, considering every post of constructive criticism I have made on this blog has either gotten deleted or completely torn apart by rabid ass-kissing fans. as this comment probably will as well. sigh.
okay this may sound way too happy for a topic as serious as this
but Doe can we be pen pals?
My friends recently just kind of disappeared an I would love to write to you, you give such amazing advice!
I do have a question though, (good lord, I can hardly function, I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to email you or something)
but I have cuts beneath my eyes from doing my makeup so much and using like paper towels and bad brushes, and my eyelids are the typical asian eyelids where it basically doesn’t have the fold where most people have (essentially, I don’t have a crease) do you have any advice on how I could do my makeup without looking like I put too much on? especially a smokey gothy look?
That is just awful about the hate mail! People who send hate mail need to get a life. Seriously. :P And really, I know you’ve heard it before, but just know that they are jealous, because unlike them, you DO have a life! ;)
DOE DEERE,
On a similar but totally opposite note: I wanted to know, how can I send you “love mail”? I keep seeing the cutest little things I want to send you for Christmas, but I don’t know to which address it should go. Can you please tell me where I can send you your present(s)? :)
Doe Deere Reply:
December 19, 2010 at 10:59 am
Thanks Shealia! Your words of support meant a lot to me. For my addy, email me at doedeere@gmail.com. :)
I’m also am a harsh critic, but to myself the most. I’m an artist, and the worst feeling you get is looking at another artist’s work and find how stupid and inept I am. I’ve lost my love for drawing, painting, singing, it’s tedious and disappointing, since nobody cares about it. But hey, I’ve been severely depressed since I was little.
I think this is very funny considering that all blogs look pretty alike, is it not all just text & images, yip pretty much! So how you coping someone else??? It’s what the person says in their blog that people follow & why they find you interesting…jealously I would suggest! XB x