Tue 25 Aug 2009
I am a 21 year old girl and I live with my parents; it’s not by choice. My mother tries to control everyone around her. I received 20 thousand from my dead grandfather when I turned 18. She never let me get a state ID, so I couldn’t have a bank account without her name on it and hid bank statements. When I finally found one saying I only had $20, she told me it was loaned to my sister and that my sister had spent it. Only recently did so much of this unravel, and I discovered the truth. Now I am realizing I am 21, but I haven’t really been allowed to be myself, because my mother has tried to manipulate and scare all of us into what she wants. I am in for a rough road ahead, because I know she will threaten to take things from me that are important when I try to move out. Also, I’ve been suffering from depression and a host of other ailments due to my situation. I’ve never had a job, because she didn’t want me to have one, and did whatever she could to prevent me from having one.
I am really unsure what I want to do with my life, but like you I love fashion and art. But due to my situation, I don’t feel like I have the life experience necessary to make the call though. I guess basically my question is, how did you decide what you wanted to do? Why did you move from clothing to makeup? What do you have to say about people who believe everyone hates their jobs after five anyway?
-Danielle
Dear Danielle,
I get many questions from girls unsure whether they should move out or not, and my answer is always the same: yes! If you feel that you’re ready to be on your own, you must absolultely do it. I know people who have regretted not going college, having a baby too early or getting a drunk tattoo, but no one ever regrets moving out.
Danielle, your situation is more extreme than other girls’. You may not realize the urgency but you need to get out of there, FAST. Deciding whether you want to get into art/fashion/whatever is the least of your concerns – what’s important is how you’re going to get your freedom back! Without freedom, your dreams can never come true.
Having a controlling parent is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome in life. They undermine your self-esteem, sabotage your growth as an individual and leave a long-lasting negative imprint. However, now that you’re an adult and capable of providing for yourself, there is no reason for the abuse to continue! Living on your own is not as scary as you may have been told – it does require personal and financial responsibility but that’s normal. Independence is one of the most beautiful things you can have in life – way better than all the comforts & possessions you might currently enjoy!
You say you “don’t have the life experience to make the call”. This is not true. You always have the right to make the call, this is your life. I know you’re only 21 but you only get to live once – you cannot afford not to grasp that opportunity. Your first priority should be getting your driver’s license, getting your papers together (birth certificate, etc) and landing a job – preferably in another state. Whatever you do, always seek true independence – people who rely on others to pull their own weight are rarely happy. You can do it, I have faith in you!
Got a question? Submit to doedeere @ gmail. com
63 Responses to “ Deer Doe: I have a controlling parent! ”
Comments:
Leave a Reply
Related posts:
Loading ...
August 25th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I would also recommend talking to an attorney. After you move out. You may be able to get your money back, either from your mother or your sister. Though family is important, when they steal from you, you’ve got to watch out for yourself. The lawyer may be willing to work on a contingency basis.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
i totally agree, danielle. get out of there, NOW! sometimes i feel the way you do, but i dont have abusive parents, and i DO have a plan to move out. i also agree that it would be a good idea to get a lawyer, and talk to the bank about getting an account that only you can control.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
My answer is the same as Doe’s: a resounding yes yes yes! Moving out is going to be difficult, but it is something you have to do if you want to be independent in the long run, so you might as well take the bull by the horns and get it started.
Life experience comes with standing on your own two feet. I didn’t realise this until I became financially independent – not just moving out of the house, but working for my money and having to pay my own bills, etc.
It’s not all great, but it’s necessary and ultimately it’s empowering. As Doe said, your situation sounds even more urgent due to the way your Mom behaves. So, as the Queen song says:
Spread your wings and fly away.
Pull yourself together
‘Cos you know you should do better.
Best of luck!!! :)
x
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Also I definitely agree with the last two commenters, that you should get the law involved if things/money have been stolen from you!
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I agree, and congratulations on taking the first step by asking for help! The road ahead may be rough, but I bet it’ll be worth it for the rainbows at the end :)
Good luck!
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Holy CRAP that sounds like my mother. Only worse. I didn’t think it was possible.
I too am working on moving out; I attend university in another state and my boyfriend’s been angel enough to save money for an apartment just for the two of us. I figure that whatever obstacles my mother tries to put in my way when I move out, it’ll all be worth it in the long run.
Danielle, best of luck to you.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I’d also like to suggest that one of the very first things you should do is get a PO box that only you know about and have the key to. That way if you need to do any correspondence through the mail, while still living at home- you don’t have to worry about anyone going through your mail. Also- applying for financial aid and going to school may be one of the best things to do, even if it’s expensive. You’ll have housing and food provided, plus you’ll be gaining experience to be able to get the job that you really want. There are fashion design programs all over the country (avoid the Art Institutes if possible- very overpriced for a very mediocre education). And even if now isn’t the right time to pursue your fashion degree- there are a million other areas out there that are VERY real-life applicable and will be valuable for years to come.
I think the absolute most important thing is that you go about moving out in a responsible, adult way. Not to just pack your things and take off with a friend in the middle of the night. Give yourself a solid structure and plan so that when you do leave you won’t end up coming back home because you don’t have any other options.
GOOD LUCK!
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Having an abusive parent is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome in life. They undermine your self-esteem, sabotage your growth as an individual and leave a long-lasting negative imprint.
This will be one of the hardest obstacles in your life you’ll work to overcome. It will creep up in the oddest ways, twist your thoughts and can cause horrible issues when it comes to love and trusts. Parents are meant to love us unconditionally and when they don’t it can be disastrous on a person’s self worth.
Try and find a job with medical, one that covers therapist especially cognitive behavioural therapy.
I am in for a rough road ahead, because I know she will threaten to take things from me that are important when I try to move out
The only thing important now is yourself. She is taking that away now and you have it to gain by leaving.
I agree with those saying to contact a lawyer. There are those that will do the work pro bono. Look for one that specializes in abused children and explain your situation and what happened.
This behavior will never change. Don’t believe in changes of heart, tears or begging with promises to change. All that matters is the control and power she has over you and that desire will never change. The only person that can change things is you.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Doe Deer is completely right. Follow her advice. Get out there and find out what you can do, hon. Good luck!
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
The longer you wait to move out, the harder it will become. And even the least abusive parents will eventually drain. the. life. from. you.
Pack a bag, and stay at a friend’s house, then (if you must) go back WITH a friend or two, to pick up the rest of your things. As previous comments stated, talk to a lawyer. Then get a job and move to another town, or ideally another state.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I completely agree with Patricia & Renai…Doe too!
Again as Patricia said, look for an attorney that can help you! If this money was left to you in your grandfather’s will for when you are of legal age then it is illegal for them to take it from you!
And as Renai said, go to the local post office & get your own PO Box & have all of your mail sent directly there so that it cannot be intercepted by your family.
It is sad they have stolen more than money from you, they have taken your life, now it’s time to reclaim it! You still have time to do all the things you want to do. I’m sure it will be scary, but you have the power to do it.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Terrible abuse, and some major stealing… I would talk to an attorney. She had no right to loan the money away.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Oh sweetie. You do need to get outta there. And if you happen to live in the Illinois, Wisconsin area…shoot me an email and I’ll help you move! You deserve freedom and the ability to make your own choices.
I’m hoping you get out of there A.S.A.P.!
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Honey, get out and get out fast. What everyone has said so far is all there is to say, and I wish you absolutely the best of luck in however you decide to go about freeing yourself.
Buena suerte,
Rickey <3
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
The first thing I thought of was getting a lawyer. The money from your grandfather was meant for you, for your family to have taken it is shameful. Having the money would help you to get your life started. In the mean time you should focus on just getting out of there. I feel like you are on the right track, the first step is to be aware and want to change and you are there. Good luck to you dear.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
I’m sorry to comment again, but this story just infuriates me & I had another thought.
If you have any friends that would be willing to take you in for a bit then GO. Don’t be afraid to let someone know what you are going through & that you need help. If you have been subjected to this type of behaviour from your family to the point you have no friends, contact distant family if you can.
Just thought I’d toss some more ideas out!
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Beautiful advice but also thank you for the greater message of this piece: I have comparably wonderful parents, thank you for letting me to see this today.
xxxxxBisous, Ekerplay
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Obviously, everyone here wants you to get out of your abusive situation. But I would also recommend if your family tries to withhold birth records, ID’s, or mementos, tell a legal aide lawyer, etc. They can get a court order to compel your family to give you your belongings back. If necessary, they can even arrange for the police to oversee the process.
Be safe and don’t let your family keep you locked away from the world. Your mother should be ashamed of herself. Once you turned 18 you officially had no legal obligation to her.
There are always plenty of entry-level positions open and no matter where you go the people that work there will train you. When it comes to school, you can turn your own struggles into a learning experience, albeit a sad one. A strong essay about what you’ve gone through could be very helpful in getting scholarships to get you where you need to go.
Best of luck to you, Danielle.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
I’m definitely with the idea of getting a lawyer and seeing what you can do. If it were just $100 or so gone missing, I’d say cut your losses and run, but that is way too much money to ignore. That was YOURS, and no one had any right to put their grubby fingers on it without your permission.
It’s definitely going to be a long road ahead for you, hun, but when all is said and done, you will be a stronger, more amazing person for it. I’m still struggling with some stuff with my mom, who is a wonderful person, but it was more than a little obvious that she never wanted me to grow up and go away. I still have yet to get my drivers’ license, but I saved up all I could and moved out of state. Now I just feel like an ass having to go and do that driving thing because I know everyone in the classes will be 10 years younger than me, but I need to get over that. However, that’s nothing compared to you!
You’re going to make it, and you will succeed. Don’t worry about what more your mom could take away. I’d say let her. Controlling things that mean something to you, helps her control you. It’s like having a sibling…they always want the things you want, but the second you don’t care about it, then it isn’t as much fun for them. So, really, call a lawyer and see what can be done first. Then you’re going to have to find a way to get your ID and all that stuff so you’re able to get a job. If at any point in this time, you have a friend willing to help you out in any possible way, TAKE IT! You need to get out of that situation as soon as possible, but make sure you have a plan that can be followed through, and don’t just take off running in the middle of the night to the street. It sounds like you might need to disappear at midnight anyway, but please, make sure you have a safe place to go. You’ll be fine. It’s going to take some time, but just remember that light at the end of the tunnel. It’s worth it.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
That’s awful!
I agree you should get the law involved, She did not have the right to the money either to spend or to loan and I think the fact that she is your mother makes it 100 times worse. Getting a job and a place to live away from her is a good idea, perhaps that is why she made sure you had no access to it ( to stop you leaving). Regardless, it is wrong and you should start to protect your interests. If your Grandad had wanted her or your sister to have it, it would have been left to them and not you as it stands it was for you and you should have the use of it.
I hope things work out for you. Good luck.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
If she wants out she should try getting into a school. You can get art degrees. With grants and loans she could move out and stay in student housing, go to school, make new friends, and start planning a new and brighter future. She can get a part time job, and a liscense, and start saving money for a car on the side and bit by bit her life will come together. Stay strong Danielle. My situation was a LOT like yours so I know where you’re coming from and I know where you need to go to get out.
-ThePinkLadyJ
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I really, really hope you read this.
If your mom was taking money that was given to you, PLEASE go to a lawyer. A friend of mine recently went thru pretty much the same thing, only he was a guy. MY father’s a lawyer and he gave my friend some good legal information BUT if you wait too long to report the money being taken when it was YOURS, they won’t be able to do anything (and ask why you didn’t do anything sooner). I also agree that maybe school is a good idea, you can fill out a FAFSA, get loans, and yes, move out.
My friends mother threatened him with never seeing his siblings whom he loved ever again. Please get legal advice, move out and do something good for yourself!! Do what makes you happy! Oh, and you will have to make sacrifices =\, and if it comes down to her taking away important things from you, (for example items like tv/desk etc) the police/lawyer/whatever may or may not be able to help you, since ultimately it comes down to who paid for it, I believe.
Oh, one more thing, make sure you find out everything about the money, which the lawyer will help you out with. If your mom is the “executor” of your money/account, its HER responsibility to carry out your grandfather’s wishes, and to keep that money protected for you. You can request to have her removed, as she is unfit and not fulfulling her job as an executor. Best of luck to you!!!!!!!!!
Lots of love,
-Sunny
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
it’s unfortunate that your family/living circumstances have subsequently led to your depression and lack of freedom and for your own benefit (emotionally/physically/mentally) it would be best to get out of that vicious living situation and get far enough away that your mother cannot have any way of getting her sticky fingers in to your business.
If you want the $20 grand back it might be wise to hire an attorney although, having worked for attorney for the last 3yrs i must say it will cost you a pretty penny. But, if if it’s sheer freedom you desire then pack your bags and hit the road and don’t look back! No one should be a prisoner in their own home.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
I agree with the resounding cries of “yes! move out!” as well as the sound advice of getting a lawyer involved to get back what is rightfully yours, and doing so quickly.
If you can find a free and private moment, check to see where the nearest DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) is at in regards to where you live. You can get a state ID for somewhere between $10 and $20 depending on the place. Also, make sure you can secure a copy of your birth certificate before you go; it is at this point a required item for getting an ID. You’ll probably also need proof of address, so if you’ve got a bill or statement that comes in the mail that has your name on it, take that as well.
Once you have an ID, go get a job. Once you’ve got that, get an account with a bank (I recommend credit unions, especially the ones that do Share Branch) and set your eyes on school. Not necessarily in that order, but at the very least get that ID. It’s like a key for the gateway of your future.
Breaking off and away from family is difficult, and I know it’s going to be extremely difficult for you. But it sounds like it needs to happen. Take all that energy bound up inside you and use it to follow your head and your heart!
And as a side note, when you do move out, the last moment that you’re there, tell your mother that you do in fact love her, regardless of how things are–she might try to guilt trip you with that, but the best thing is to say it and then go; trust me. (It might sound like a sarcastic comment, but honestly, it’s the hardest thing to say to family and it does need to be said now and then, regardless of how hellish it is)
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Definitely move out, but I know that’s hard without money and a job. If I were still under 25, I would look at Americorps. It’s a volunteer program that covers your food and housing for a year, it helps people, and its work experience. Plus you’ll likely get to travel to different parts of the country to see where you’ll want to live, and when you finish you get free money for school! I am a little bummed I didn’t know about this program before I hit the age limit.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Definitely move out, get a lawyer, and all that jazz.
Another thing youre going to want to look at ASAP – get a credit check, from all the reporting agancies if possible. If your mom is stealing from you this way, then there is also a good chance you may have had your identity stolen and charges wracked up in other ways. best to find out and get it sorted ASAP.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Gosh. This is a horrible situation, and as a mother I’m so furious that any parent could treat their child like this!!! If you have any friends or family closeby whom you can trust, please seek assistance from them! I’m sure if they understand the urgency of your situation they will be eager to do all they can to help in regard to showing you how to opening up a P.O box (that way only YOU have access to your mail!), bank account etc.
I’m not sure what type of social agencies may be available where you live, (I’m from Australia) but even a womens shelter could be preferable to your home prison as a start? But before you do anything, please do let people know of your situation- your mother’s behaviour needs to be exposed, and you need justice for the money she stole from you. That money could have meant freedom for you, and I suspect your mother knew this only too well.
That aside though, you NEED to move out, or you will never have your freedom. You have dreams that CAN be achieved, but not while you are under the roof of somebody who WILL undermine every attempt you may make to realise them.
So…. be sneaky: find a way to ( as I mentioned, it may mean asking someone you trust to help you) get ID, bank accounts, a P.O box, etc. if you have a friend who will allow you to stay with them for a short while, please don’t be afraid to ask them! Do everything you can to learn about all the skills you will need for your independence, eg. How to apply for jobs, write a C.V, and so on.
It will be hard, but I know you can do it! Because of your upbringing, you will probably have been taught all manner of self destructive thought patterns, so when that little voice inside says “you can’t do this” or “this will never work” you MUST try your utmost to push it aside, because this is your mothers voice, NOT yours! Your true voice is what compelled you to write this letter, and the more you let this voice speak, the louder it will become! So just remember that! YOU CAN DO IT! You are DESTINED to break free and fulfill all of your dreams. Do it.
I wish you the best of luck, girl. Liberation WILL be yours!
xox simi
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
I would also talk to a lawyer and think about suing your mother for stealing that money from you! If your mom was really looking out for you, she would have put that money into a high interest CD for the past 3 years and earned you a whole bunch of interest, so you can go to college or have a nice amount of money so you can move out or do whatever you wanted to.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Oh man, this is the most depressing situation ever. Legal emancipation sounds like a good option. :(
Some people dont deserve to be parents.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
I spent 6 years living with an abusive, mentally unstable mother and her violent partner following my parents’ divorce.
I ran away shortly before my 18th birthday. 4 years on, things have certainly not been easy. Being so estranged from my family is one of those constant sorts of pain that never goes away, but it is possible to build yourself a life and be proud of what you’ve accomplished. I have a fiance who supports me, and have seen counselors and doctors who have made me aware of the kind of support network out there that can help.
In a years’ time I should get my degree, and hopefully carve out my own path.
I stress again, this is not easy. I have been homeless several times, and I know that I have no family to turn to for help emotionally or financially if I screw things up – despite how bad my situation was, there are times when I have regretted leaving home, because I miss financial security.
My situation means that I’m alienated and very different from my University peers – particularly around holidays when they go home to their families, and I remain here. Overall, I don’t regret it, but things are far from sorted, even 4 years down the line.
My response isn’t nearly as enthusiastic or encouraging as some of the others here, because I’ve lived it, and I know that is is most certainly not a decision to be made lightly, and not to be made overnight. Do research into organisations that can help you, first, find out how much housing costs, write yourself a C.V. and start job hunting without your mother knowing.
In England, we have the Citizens’ Advice Bureau which can advise people in similar situations, perhaps there is something similar where you live?
If you decide to leave, make sure you plan for it so that you’ll be prepared, and perhaps seek help from other relatives who are not easily swayed by your mother’s destructive and manipulative influence.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
I don’t know if it’s been said already but I would highly recommend you find out if there’s anything you can do to get your money back because that really isn’t fair – it was left to you and you saw none of it.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
I left home when I was 19, after my parents spread their control boundaries into my every day routine. Where I could go, who I could see, etc.
I left with whatever I could carry, came back for the rest with the police. And I had to learn everything on my own. While that was a bit of a growing up 101 process, I felt a freedom I had NEVER felt. A weight was gone and no matter how hard life gets now, it’s never as bad as it was.
Just leave. It’s worth it. Find a place to go and don’t turn back.
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
This is definitely a form of abuse! I think these people have nothing else in life, so they will try and make you stay at home. This is YOUR life!!!!! You have to move out. You can get a job. Don’t be afraid of her. That’s what she wants! You may make her angry, but this is YOUR life! And you need to live it. After all, it has to be better than being under her thumb constantly! It WILL be better!! Because YOU are calling the shots! Our parents are supposed to guide us to be successful adults not hold us back! Please take this from someone who’s father has been a controlling, abusive person my whole life! It will not end until you take action….though it’s scary at first but don’t let that hold you back! You are your own person! Freedom is a human right! I also recommend as someone else did, talking to an attorney. It doesn’t cost anything just to have a consultation with one. Get your driver’s license. You are an adult now she can’t prevent you from doing that! Oh my goodness, I just want to give this girl a hug and take her under my wing!
Great advice Doe Deere!
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Sorry to comment again, but Doe Deere, if she lives in the Washington State/Seattle area, please contact me privately, I will help her move!
[Reply]
August 25th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
i really needed to read this, thank you so much for posting this, doe. i wish danielle the best of luck.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 12:50 am
DO IT. I was lucky and had a dad who could support me for a while, but I was in a similar (but less extreme) situation: an abusive mother, increasing depression and thoughts of suicide, still in high school. As soon as I left the house, the depression left, I got a little job to help pay for my rent, and taught myself to cook. My friends came over all the time, and that’s the time when I realized how precious they all are to me. And I did just fine… I was still living by myself when I graduated first in my class. :3 I completely agree with Doe… get out of that situation NOW. Not as soon as convenient… NOW.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 1:38 am
Definitely leave ASAP. That’s a situation where it’s only going to get worse. You are an adult and you can take charge of your life. It’s liberating knowing what you can do. Follow the above’s advice. They speak wise words, and good luck!
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 3:23 am
Good luck Danielle! I agree, it is really important to get all your papers together, such as your birth certificate, ID, and stuff. (Up until recently I didn’t have a bank account, and I still don’t have a license… it makes it really hard to prove my identity sometimes).
Remember that there will always be people who are willing to help you and encourage you.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 3:40 am
maybe this sounds cruel but it is true: it happend for a reason that you found out all those things now. It is time for you to grow and be yourself and be free and the universe/god/whoever is up there/whoever you believe in knows that you are strong enough to handle that situation otherwise it would not have happend. all the others who responded to this have great ideas and you should definately listen to their advice. of course it will be hard to go through all of what will come but you can do it!
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 3:46 am
I moved out when I was 18. That was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 4:13 am
Excellent advice, I’d be interested to hear how she gets on!
Good luck to her though, it’s never an easy thing when a parent treats you badly – but it’s something that you need to think clinically about… even though that’s really hard to do. I hope she gets chance to move out and be her own person for once!
xx
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 4:18 am
http://www.couchsurfing.org/
my cousin’s been travelling with this website for about 10 months now. it’s pretty safe. also, no offense danielle, but fuck your mum. she sounds horrible. and if you’re over 18 and she’s used your money, she is breaking the law. get out of the house. good luck.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 4:59 am
do not walk RUN as if you life depended on it and it surely does.
You have been manipulated in so many way that won’t even register for a long time. Contact a women’s shelter if you have no other resource, they are there to help. There are also churches that will help; just don’t go anywhere your mother or sister go.
Once you get out leave them behind; you can always revisit some time in the future when you are on solid ground yourself. Your birth certificate can be re-sent if needed. I had to do this myself.
Just don’t second guess yourself and don’t give warning as she will surely find the right buttons to push to talk you out of it. Just call whomever you think is right for you and get OUT.
My very best to you
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 8:07 am
I noticed everyone is saying you should get a lawyer to get that money back. Honestly, I don’t think it will happen. Once the money is spent, it’s spent. The judge can determine your mother owes you X amount of dollars but unless she has it sitting in her bank account, getting it out of her will be almost impossible.
In the end, it’s just more ties to a person you don’t want to be around and more drama. I would forget about it and move on – you’ll get a chance to make much more $$ once you regain your independence!
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 8:46 am
The minute you feel you’ve set yourself up, go get that lawyer.
Your mother/sister may have spent your inheritance, they may not. Depending on the limitations on actions in your jurisdiction, you may be able to be compensated in the future if it’s all gone for now. But don’t let anyone walk over your legal rights – they are yours to defend! There’s always the option of pressing charges for conversion as well.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 8:56 am
I realise this is probably the least of your worries by now, but I just thought I’d add a few legalistic points.
According to the US Code s 507 it appears you have 3 years to sue, and 5 years to press criminal charges (from the date you became aware that your money had been stolen). I work in Australian law, so I can’t verify that, but it’s a guideline.
This is a really trivial point, but if you do ever consider criminal charges, from a purely mercenary perspective I would look at your options for reclaiming the money in a civil action first, then handing the matter over to your DPP.
You don’t want cripple the income source of the person you want to receive compensation from.
Best of Luck Danielle.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 9:23 am
I honestly disagree with Doe’s statement. I believe if someone has committed a crime against you they should pay for the crime they committed.
I don’t think people should stand for this type of abuse. If she had been sexually abused should she just sit by because she would never get her virginity back? No! She should have the person that committed the crime punished.
Just because it may not be as severe doesn’t mean that the mother shouldn’t pay for breaking the law & the trust of her child. Who knows, maybe it would make the mother wake up & see the extent of damage she has done!
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 11:50 am
I agree with Crystal. Even if she can’t get the money back, her mother needs to be punished for stealing it. It’s a crime. It appears to me that this “mother” thinks she can do whatever she pleases and get away with it. She needs a wake up call.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I agree with Gabi. Get out, and find someone to stay with — someone you can trust to protect you. Let your friends and family know about the situation. They will most likely want to help, and you may be able to get some financial assistance from them. It can be really expensive to truly move out, and you need to have a job or someone to support you, so I suggest staying with someone until you have a job, a mode of transportation (maybe a bicycle for now if you don’t have a driver’s license?) and some money in your (new) bank account.
Someone earlier mentioned going to a women’s shelter or a church… honestly, I think you should try to stay with someone that you know, instead, because these organizations may not be able to give you a place to stay *and* help out financially. This may lead to homelessness, and you definitely don’t want that.
Even though your mother committed a crime against you, family issues can often be very difficult to respond to legally. I would completely understand if you didn’t press charges. If you do, then I applaud you. If you don’t, just remember to never give your mother the freedom to take things from you, again. She has lost that privilege. Also, because of this, you should avoid telling her that you’re planning to move out. Just keep it to yourself, contact friends and family in private (and ask them not to tell her), and make the move out all at once. If you can, get someone to help you move out from your mother’s house, to make sure that you get everything you need and that nothing gets taken.
Best of luck. <3
[Reply]
August 26th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
This woman STOLE from you. Leave, get a lawyer to make sure your mother can never steal from you again, and talk over your options. Go to school — even if its just a local community college; take a few business classes or something along those lines to prepare yourself for the wold. You need to get out of this situation. Now. If you don’t want to lose contact with your mother, keep her at an arm’s length, and DO NOT let her have any access to any money or important documents. Your life is your life…if your mother can’t accept that, then she has forfeited her post as a parent in favor of being a dictator.
[Reply]
August 27th, 2009 at 1:34 am
As someone who has a controlling family (I have more than one controlling person! yay for me!) I am sending this directly to you Danielle, or anyone else who needs to move out:
1. Get a P.O. Box. Best thing I ever did.
Only about 45.00 for a YEAR. Food is more expensive than that. There are many around, even in mini-malls at “UPS Stores” or at post offices.
2. Get a pre-paid cell phone. Keep it at a friend’s house until you really need it.
3. Create a move out plan. Plan out every detail. Talk to friends about days that work well for them. Most of all you will need one solid friend. One big burly guy friend helps too.
4. Decide what you really really need to bring with you. Fluffy, your one favorite stuffed animal? Yeah bring him along. All your soccer trophies? Not worth it. Write a list as if you’re leaving for a trip. Make sure there is enough space in a moving van/mini van/car for your stuff.
5. Write a letter to your mom. Tell her everything you want to tell her right now. Plan to give it to her the moment you walk out the door.
6. If you know she is a deep sleeper, move late at night.
7. When you move out, contact the police as an escort. They will be there for at least 10 minutes, and if you explain the situation, they will usually stay for an hour. I speak from experience on this one.
8. You don’t need more than a few sessions for counselling. They will try to get you hooked for years. Talk to everyone you want to about your crazy family…then let go.
9. Begin to define yourself without your crazy controlling mother in your life. It took me 10 years to move my identity away from my family. Take your time. We all understand.
10. AFTER you move… Get a lawyer. You deserve that money. At least try. You will always wonder otherwise. Don’t worry about the lawyer part until you move out.
11. For every hour of every day leading up to this moment, daydream. Imagine. Visualize. Think about all the fun you’ll have. Dream about fashion. Read all your favorite blogs. Live your ideal life in your mind and you will live your ideal life in your physical life very soon!
12. Get all your documents while she is at the store. Birth certificate. Social Security Card. Medical Records. As soon as you get them, take them to a trusted friend’s house. If she finds them in your room she will never let you have them.
13. This is a temporary break up. You don’t have to stay away forever, but you have to give yourself space. I recommend at least one year, then reevaluate. Have your friends help you stay strong and stay away!
———
You can do all of this within two weeks. One week if you really work hard on all these steps.
My family isn’t completely eliminated from my life…but things are a LOT better. Not because they have stopped trying to control me, but I am controlling MY life.
One more thing: Read this book – “If You Had Controlling Parents”. I wish I would have had this book when I was 16. It still helped me years ago.
Your friends are your family now. Nurture them, appreciate them, care for them. They need you and you need them.
I’m proud of you. You spoke out. You are stepping forward.
We are all here for you.
Love,
Amber
[Reply]
August 27th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
This article really touched my heart because I could relate. I moved out about a year ago. (At age 22, and I wish I got this advice or even moved out earlier at age 18 or earlier)
My parents were controlling and still are, even though I am 3 hours away. I have been emotionally and physically hurt in so many ways from them. But from our all life experiences,whether good or band, we grow stronger each day from them.
Moving out is rough and hard and being on your own is hard also. But it is really worth it. I learn more about myself each day and don’t feel as stressed and depressed as I did before.
[Reply]
August 28th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Darling I am so proud that you are seeking some help and support. What I want to say is work on building your inner strength and confidence so that you can deal with the physical steps you’ll have to take. Even in your stiffling environment your mom can’t get inside your head. The whole shift to living independently and controlling yourself starts IN your head. Unfortunately we in many ways let our parents program our behaviour so that we will do things as they think is best. So as you go out and get a job and do the other things you need to do realize that your mother will give you a lot of s**t for asserting yourself. So my advice to you to help deal with your emotions and anxiety surrounding your situation:
-Try to do yoga or meditation or EFT to build your confidence and positivity.
-If you pray or have a spiritual practice that you follow seek help through that medium.
-Seek out positive, helpful, supportive people who will give good advice and just listen to you talk.
-Excercise. It boosts your mood and it builds confidence.
-Get out of the house as much as possible.
-Block out as much negativity as you can. Get away from your mom as much as possible. Until you can get yourself permanently away from your mother avoid her because all she does is give you dissaproving, negative, angry feedback.
-Listen to music and read books/magazines that make you feel good and confident and support your positive life change.
[Reply]
August 29th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Danielle,
Get out of that house as soon as possible. I live with controlling parents, and at age 27 I might have a college degree, but that’s all I’ve got going on. Right now you might want to do something, but as the years pass by you’ll lose that zest for life and you’ll end up trapped in the routine your mom wants you to live. This is what happened to me. I don’t have a job, and I ended up in a situation where I always do what my mom says or asks of me. Sometimes I wish I could stop being.
Please, get out of there, I know how this will destroy your soul until the real you is trapped and cannot come out. You’ll become what your mom expects of you, and you will never be happy.
[Reply]
Ashley Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 12:15 am
I’m only 22 and live with my parents. I hate it because it so old for me. I’ve been wanting to move out since I was 20, but I don’t have a job, I don’t have a driver’s license, and I don’t have a boyfriend. Sometimes, I think that my parents are the reason for me being single, because they think I don’t need one when in fact I do. I’m cramped in my bedroom, and the worst part of all is that, they won’t give me more space. I live next door to my younger brother and his band room, and I hate it. My mom wants me accept it, but that’s not something for me to accept. Sometimes, I wish that a neighbor would call the police to get them to move his band room and recording studio somewhere else.
[Reply]
August 29th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
This is heartbreaking to read (because it is so extreme!) but you are not alone Danielle. This sounds like classic Antisocial personality disorder &/or Narcissistic personality disorder on the part of the mother. Experts I have seen now say to get away from people like this ASAP.
You are so right DD! “They undermine your self-esteem, sabotage your growth as an individual and leave a long-lasting negative imprint.”
Start setting up boundaries now and put all effort in removing yourself from the manipulation. Amber’s rec., for “If You Had Controlling Parents” is *really* helpful and there is a great deal on the net to read up on this (I really love Martha Beck as she talks about this quite a lot in a frank, witty way).
Along with all of the advice above, i.e. PO Box, get that license, etc., be sure to get copies of your credit report. If there has been alleged embezzlement there very well could be identity theft involved (bills put in your name, credits cards opened, loans taken out, cell phones and then never paid) which can cause major problems when an employer, school or landlord runs a credit check on you.
While moving out might not be able to be done yesterday you can start healing and moving in a healthy direction by simply doing things on your own alone. Go to the library, start taking classes or courses in anything that interests you, get involved in charity work or causes you believe in, visit museums, anything that forces you to build your inner confidence. It might feel awkward at first but keep at it. Sadly it is way too easy to replace one manipulative person (mom) with a whole host of new manipulative relationships. Being able to do things alone allows you to observe and choose people based on healthy and loving reasons instead of fear and perceived need.
[Reply]
August 31st, 2009 at 3:14 am
It’s a sickening irony that this is what I first spot on here. I’m in a similar situation, trapped by an abusive (in many ways)father and verbally and physically abusive younger brother as well as a clingy,diabetic mom and a sick pet. Althougha grandparent never left me money I’ve had aunts on both sides of the family steel heirlooms promised to me. (A hundred year old large framed photo of my great-grandfather and a wooden jewlery box my dad made for my grandmother) My mom wont let me learn to drive because i’m “sick”. Of course I’m sick it’s an anxiety disorder, its fear of my father!
i want to die most days, including today, I don’t seem to be very good at suicide, I’ve been hospitalized for attempts twice, but have tried probably 10-15 times. I feel like it’s the only way out. My dad makes life not worth living. The women in my family have had abusive relationships going back forever, my mom tried going to college(she has a bachellors in sociology from the U of A) and dating nice guys and this is how she ends up? I’m afraid to ever date, afraid to ever be alone and get lonely and end up with someone. I can rarely eat because they take my food and i end up fatter because I inhale things the minute they come from the store since the roaches know my hiding places. I even got arrested recently for domestic violence even thoughmy dad punched me in the head (I still get headaches weekslater) and the nose so hard the other people in jail thought i’d murdered someone because i was covered in so much of my own blood. my brother is stealing my punching bag so he can get stronger and hit me harder. I keep missing school because i get there and can’t take it all I fell asleep last week because i had court so early and the next day I had a breakdown and was found at the front office crying by the window.
How do I go to school tommarrow? How will I ever get my 1st job?
Why is being born with a vagina a crime?
I’m not here to make babies!
sorry no spell check new laptop my dad/bro are already in the process of stealing.
[Reply]
Ashley Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 12:03 am
It’s unexceptable that you got arrested for domestic violence when it should’ve been your father. If the police want any details, tell them the truth: Your father punched you in the face, and that your younger brother is abusive as well. You should call social services and tell them the whole story. They should be the ones in jail, not you. They are also theives, as well as your other family members. The point is you should’ve been taken away from them long ago. Don’t let your family lie about what happen, just stand up for yourself, and make sure they believe you and not your family. Don’t make up excuses. They’re all a bunch of jerks. Just because the women in your family have had abusive relationships, doesn’t mean you should. With situations like yours, children are usually taken away from their families due to abuse allegations. So remember, don’t let them get away with it. Take a stand against them. And also to let you know, they’re the ones that are sick because they’re sociopaths. Also, these people should take the polygraph test (which usually detects lies). And being born with a vagina is not a crime, women are born with it, even me, but not all of them make babies. It’s good to know that you’re not here to make babies. If you were to get a boyfriend, recommend someone who could scare them off. Also, everybody needs a friends or two that they could confide in. Chances are when social services finds out about the years of abuse you suffered, you could end up in foster care, and receive years of therapy in order to have a better life.
[Reply]
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:10 am
Doe: Thanks for addressing this issue, I’ve known a lot of people in similar (but not as extreme) situations and I’m glad someone is encouraging them to stand on their own feet!
Danielle: Bonne chance!!! Getting out on your own can be insanely difficult, especially if you have no money to call your own and your mind and emotions are doubtless being screwed with by your mom…but it is SO, SO worth it. Take the chance!! One of my dearest friends ran away from home with nothing, no money, no job, no car, spent a few weeks crashing on couches, but it all came together for her in the end. I’m sure it will for you, too…good luck! Keep your creative spark, it will help you.
[Reply]
September 9th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Danielle, I wish you all the best of luck. Have faith in yourself and try to surround yourself with people who are positive, responsible and loving.
I was in a VERY similar situation when I was 20. I had to move out then moved to Chicago from Colorado in a beat up car with only a mattress and some garage sale dishes. It was the scariest and best thing I have ever done and 5 years later I am now re-building a healthier relationship with my family.
[Reply]
September 27th, 2009 at 12:05 am
I agree. I was in the same situation before, and still am now. I’ve always wanted to move out but my younger sister got what I want because of a stupid scholarship. I also always wanted to get my driver’s licease, but my younger siblings got what I want, and I failed my permit test three times. My parents once decided that I wasn’t ready to drive so I got angry and upset. I wanted to have my older sister’s former vehicle but then my parents gave it to my younger sister instead. My dad made me get a California ID instead and I hate that because it doesn’t permit driving. I also have to ride the bus or get rides from my young siblings (which is pathetic). I have my own bank account, but I don’t have a job, and the worse part of all that I can’t find one. I’m trying to pursuit a career in music because I’m currently in the Jazz Band at a local. When it comes to moving out, driving, and stuff, I’m always the last one and it really hurts my feelings. I was supposed to move out before my younger sister and I was supposed to get a driver’s licease before my younger siblings, but my parent just had to do it the other way around because of a stupid scholarship because they though that my brother needed to drive and it just pisses me off and is unexceptable. The fact of me not having a driver’s licease and continuing living with my parents is unexceptable as is my younger siblings having a driver’s licease and my younger sister being out on her own. I’m very ashamed of that and I always thought that it wasn’t something to be proud of. Also, to let you know, what your mom is doing is unexceptable because you’re old enough to have your own bank account, state ID and/or driver’s licease, and you’re old enough to live on your own. Also, it was unexceptable that your mom loaned a lot of the money your sister that your grandfather had left you. I think that she a little insecure, and too afraid to let go of you. Parents now-a-days have trouble with letting go of kids. You need to do yourself a favorable and move out FAST. Before you know it, you’ll be out on your own.
[Reply]
November 26th, 2009 at 11:26 am
hi!
i’ve read danielle’s story and these in the other posts- it makes me really sad!
after it’s 3 month outdated- how does it went on?! did she succseed in moving out? i’d really like to know it!
[Reply]
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:55 am
God if I were you I would have killed her by now.
[Reply]