Last week I received not one, but two emails on the same subject: getting criticized for the way you dress.

I am an 18 year old girl who loves bright makeup and rockin’ fashions. I have one problem: my mother.  She hates my new look, and always finds a way to insult it.  Here are a few examples: “That red lipstick makes you look like a hooker.”  “What is that on your face?”  “You’re actually wearing that outside the house?  People will think you’re one of those kids.”  “That new earring will make you look like a tramp.” (I have a double lobe piercing one each ear and a single cartilage.)  Or, here’s a conversation we had: “So Mom, did you see the pictures I took?  I think the makeup came out nice.”  “I don’t like it.  But that’s why you do it, isn’t it?”

I don’t wear bright, crazy makeup to work, or church, just when I’m going to hang out with my friends.  I try hard to ignore it, thinking that when she was my age, bright makeup  and multiple piercings were usually considered… hooker-ish, that she doesn’t want me attracting any unwanted attention, etc., but it’s hard.  I want her to approve of my self-expression, but she refuses to.  What do I do?

The Dark Butterfly

&

My boyfriend and I have a bunch in common, but wardrobe-wise, what we like is completely different. He prefers a simple shirt and jeans look, which works great for him, while I like playing around with vibrant eye shadows, colored hair, and fun clothes. One day, I had on a vintage black skirt and was shattered to find out that even though I thought it looked great on me, he absolutely hated it. Though, he hadn’t meant any harm by the comments he made, I was hurt by what he had said. Now I find myself always wearing the shirt and jeans look and stay with neutral make up to be safe. Not necessarily to keep him happy, but mostly because my self esteem took such a hit from his words. I love unconventional and vibrant looks, but now I am too shy to wear them around my boyfriend and people who are put off by different styles.

I love the skirts and the rest of my clothes, but I also want my boyfriend to be able to like what I’m wearing as well because he has to stand next to me after all. His opinion is important to me, but how can I enjoy myself without worrying what he is going to say and or think?

R.D.S.

Dear Dark Butterfly and R.D. S.,

Being criticized simply because you look or think differently is never fun. I was lucky enough to have a supportive mother and boyfriend, but I have faced discrimination myself on several occasions. I got jumped on the subway by a group of teenagers who didn’t like my Victorian get-up; assaulted with a small rock for wearing Gothic makeup, and my favorite incident, when Mark and I were hit by a box of crackers in a Hispanic neighborhood (har har, we get it!).

People with an alternative dress style are often misunderstood, and to be fair, our motives vary. Some do it as means of artistic expression; others to provoke a social reaction; and some, a little bit of of both. I think it’s important to examine your reasons before defending them. I am going to assume that in both our cases the reasons had nothing to do with spiting anyone (that would be just silly :)).

There are many situations where you can encounter criticism & ridicule, but I think most of them fall under these three categories:

Public

The most intimidating due to the number of people potentially involved, but the easiest to overcome. It can be people you work with, go to school with, or complete strangers on the street dissing negative comments at you. A lot of people are afraid of public reaction and allow this fear to hold them back from doing things they really want to do.

How to deal: Ignore it! You don’t know these people, they have no impact on your life and whatever they think is irrelevant! If someone says something mean to you, disregard it and go about your day as if nothing happened. Be proud of yourself for being you.

Family

Realization that your family doesn’t accept you can hurt. Growing up, we look to our parents for support every day, and not having it all of a sudden can feel like a rug has been pulled out from under you. Due to the generational gap, not all parents understand that tattoos & piercings are no longer a stigma, but the norm.

How to deal: Tell your parents that your look is the reflection of modern times and has nothing to do with you wanting to make them angry. They may or may not get it, but if you’re old enough to dress yourself, chances are you don’t really need their approval. They may disagree with your neon hair now, but in a couple of years, when you’re running the most famous alternative hair salon in town called Curl Up & Dye , they will realize how silly those fights were. You may never hear them say, Wow, I just can’t get enough of that sleeve tattoo of yours!, but they will learn to accept you – eventually. So do your thing, babe. :)

Friend or significant other

These are the people we trust our deepest secrets and expose most vulnerable parts of our psyche to. When your lover or your best friend doesn’t approve of look, it can be a tough pill to swallow.

How to deal: Think about why your friend or significant other can’t accept you the way you are – and whether it’s worth staying in such a relationship. Your clothes are just a small (albeit important) part of yourself – and if they want you to tone down your look, what else will they want to change? You should dress for you, not for your boyfriend or anyone else – and your boyfriend should respect that. I think you already know this deep inside because of how you phrased your last sentence: “enjoy myself without worrying what he is going to say and or think.” There’s your answer, darling.

We all long  to be accepted and loved – there is no shame in that – but first, we need to learn to love and accept ourselves. You and only you can decide who you want to be; and the moment you let go of the need for approval is the moment you become that person.

Deerlings: do you dress non-traditionally, and what are your reasons?

Got a question for Doe? Submit to doedeere @ gmail. com