I got a surprising amount of questions about my marriage. Most people spend a lot of time & money and make a big deal out of their weddings, yet I didn’t publicize mine. I didn’t mean to keep it a mystery; it just sort of came out that way.
Before I get to the questions, I should explain how such a feminist as myself ended up getting married in the first place. Mark and I met & fell in love when we were just 19; by the age of 21 we were living together. The subject of marriage came up frequently and inevitably during our cohabitation, yet each time we decided against it.
Part of the reason was that neither of us believed in the institution of marriage. It’s just a piece of paper that says you’re in a long-term relationship with someone. You get the chance to consolidate your family name into one, but since we weren’t planning on having any kids, it made no difference. Our non-religious families trusted us and didn’t apply any pressure. Married couples do get a tax break but we weren’t making enough at the time so again, it didn’t matter. In a word, it simply did not make sense for us to get married. Plus, everyone’s heard the horror stories about how marriage can ruin a perfectly good relationship, and we weren’t willing to take the risk. As they say, don’t fix it if it ain’t broke!
By the time we were 25, we were living in a bigger house with our kitten Puffy (our daughter). I decided to pursue an artistic career, which left me with no health insurance (Mark couldn’t put me on his plan because from the official standpoint, I was nobody to him). Most importantly, our relationship evolved to a new level where we no longer saw each other merely as boyfriend and girlfriend. It felt silly to say, “Hey everybody, this is my boyfriend Mark” when in reality we were family. So we decided it no longer made sense not to be married. Our relationship had stood the test of time and the fear that it will fall apart after saying “I do” was gone. It felt like the right thing to do.
Ok, now that we got that out of the way, let’s get to the questions!
When did you get married? How did you know he was the right guy for you? -Shayne
Mark and I got officially married on September 22nd, 2006 at the City Hall in Brooklyn. It was a very low-key ceremony with my mother and sister present. We were both 25.
I knew he was the one because we almost never fight (and when we do, it’s always because I’m being an idiot.)! It’s the smoothest, most supportive relationship I’ve ever had – plus he’s a hottie! :D
What was your wedding like? What did you both wear? -Ash
Our reasons behind marriage were rather undramatic, and our wedding reflected that. We called it “The Marriage Party”. I got myself a cute vintage dress and had my mom put rose buds in my hair. Mark straightened his hair and looked like a Gothic Elf – spiffy!
Arseny, Kat & Yana (my bridesmaids), me & Mark
Our closest friends and family gathered to celebrate, and we even had a mini tier cake! Mark’s father – who happens to be an ordained minister from some bogus church he joined years ago as a tax evasion tactic – ‘married’ us and it was hilarious! The night ended with everybody doing the Thriller dance in our living room.
Told you we were silly. :) Photography| Bernadette G.
Did you have a dream wedding when you were little? -Sunny
If I did, would my wedding look like it did?! Haha. Somehow, I think dream wedding is a very American concept. Girls fantasizing about the day they get to wear a beautiful white dress and live happily ever after with their very own Prince Charming. :) Sometimes I feel inspired to do a high-concept, fashion vow renewal… Maybe I will, you never know. ;)
Do you ever wear a wedding ring or just take it off for pictures? What’s your take on wedding rings? -Staar
To me, the relationship is important; the manifestation of it is not. I do have a wedding & engagement rings, but only wear them in an official setting (like a corporate party) – basically, anywhere where being married and not wearing a ring would be a ceremony-disrupting, head-turning, jaws-on-the-floor shocking offense! Mark used to wear his band every day until he lost it and we never replaced it. It’s ok though, he got into 80s glam and wears at least one ring on each finger now!
When people ask us why we don’t have our wedding bands, we joke that we are ashamed to be married to each other. Haha.
Did your relationship change after marriage? – Taryn
It did and it didn’t. We are still each others’ best friends and love each other deeply. But I think becoming a lawful husband and wife made us more conscious of what we have and more serious about building our future together. You could say we became a Power Couple. :) I enjoy the fact that we can have a joint bank account and not have to split all the expenses any more, and that if something should happen to me, Mark will have a legal say in it.
Plus, now I get to threaten divorce – not just breakup! – over the wrong toilet seat position!
This is fascinating, Doe. Especially the part where you realized “it no longer made sense not to be married.” I love that you let it unfold organically – that’s a surefire way to create a relationship that lasts.
I was so happy when you mentioned how long you two had been together, i’ve been with my boyfriend nearly 4 years (we’re both 20 now) and certain (I imagine) jealous family members of mine etc are always telling me that it won’t last, childhood sweethearts never do etc. Well, him and I never fight either (apart from when I’M being an idiot lolll) and you and mark are proof that they DO last.
Yay, go us! I don’t think i’ll get married though, I can’t be bothered! great photos though :-)
You two are so unbelievably cute! He totally does look like an elf in those wedding pics. I actually laughed out loud at the third picture, it’s so funny!
Thank you for answering my question. It seems that even though it was a small wedding, it was your dream wedding. Thanks for sharing :)
You’re such a beautiful bride. Reading this makes me think of when I discovered Lime Crime and you had your blue streak! You definitely are fascinating! :)
That was very interesting. I agree with you about “It not making any sense getting married”. I see your point. You both are so adorable, and look like you are best friends, that would be fun to be around.
(P.S. Where do you find such awsome guy????)
HAHAHA divorce over the toilet seat! YES! brilliant ending to this story. (PS: I don’t think Mark will ever leave the toilet seat up!)
♣ Rhia
I too think it’s silly to project how long a relationship will last based on when the two had met. Who knows, it’s all about the chemistry!
♣ Ashley
It really was a dream wedding, yes. :) Now, to pull off a dream funeral…
♣ Dollface
Haha, I miss that blue streak sometimes!
♣ Mary
Believe it or not, we met on the internet. Well, sort of – his best friend and I were penpals back when I was still in Russia, and then he introduced us. The first 6 months of our relationship were purely on AOL instant messenger!!
♣ Kat
Surprising coming from a guy raised in a predominantly male household!
I agree with you that marriage only strengthens what you have. I’ve known my guy since I was eight, dated since I was 21, we got married at 25, and he’s my best friend in the world!
Your wedding was beautiful :)
The photo of you two on the bed is ADORABLE!
I love the vintage dress! You look like a lovely little china doll…with a big knife. (That picture is too funny!)
That is an adorable story ;D
Truly a low-key fairytale of it’s own.
One thing I notice a lot of opposite sex couples saying is that “marriage is just a piece of paper”.
Which it is, but it’s also an inalienable right you have that I don’t. I don’t think anyone in my position thinks marriage would ever be “just a piece of paper”.. we’re fighting, dying and being treated like second class citizens for the right to HAVE that piece of paper.
It’s a lovely story about you and Mark. Sorry I got so preachy in your blog.
That’s a lovely story. and even more lovely to know it is a true story and that you two are so happy.
My boyfriend and I are kind of in that phase of our relationship where it seems silly to call eachother boyfriend and girlfriend. Of course, there is no imediate rush to get married since we’ve been through so much we’re pretty sure it can wait a few more years, lol.
And to think it all started three years ago on a blind date :)
That’s really cool! It’s a really sweet story, and you two make a lovely couple. ^_^ (Oh, and ranom note: your anniversary is my birthday! Crazy.)
I love the (first) photo where your little feet are hanging so much higher than your husband’s! It’s sweet. :)
I just read your response to some of the readers’ comments and the fact that you met online is so heartening for me!
Well, my boyfriend and I didn’t exactly meet online… We met at a goth club when I was in London for two weeks – twice, actually, since we happened to be there the same time twice!
But we didn’t get any contact info before I left for the States, except first names. :P
BUT. One of my friends who went with me to the club found him online! (Facebook, haha. How amazing.)
So, yes, we have the online relationship too. Thank God for Skype!
So it’s good to know that no matter what age at or the circumstances under which a relationship starts, it can still turn out so well… and it is really encouraging. ^_^
Haha, and my boyfriend puts the cover on the toilet down every time. Not because of me, though. He’s just OCD like that. XD
I love this. And oddly enough see a lot of my own relationship.
We didn’t start calling each other by the significant noun until one day we both looked up and went “Huh, look at that, we’re in a relationship.” And the reason Vic and I got engaged was because neither of us felt right saying “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” anymore.
We’ve been talking about marriage nearly since the day we met (over 2 years ago)
But at the same time we are rushing to be wed. I want to finish school so that I don’t have to focus on wedding plans and my studies.
We also almost never fight…except when I am being insatiably stubborn.
Our relationship definitely hasn’t followed the standard idea of dating and love, but we like to be old-fashioned. He courted me long before we ever actually “dated”. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a fairytale and its nice to know that sometimes things are just as wonderful as thy seem.
Also, the beginning months of our relationship were completely via AIM. We met at a party and didn’t see each other again for three months!
Wow, met in internet and chated on AOL, just like me and Alo.
Doe you give me alot of hope for little things that matter in life, a small wedding and you make it look more brilliant then any hollywood set can offer because it shows true emotion and love. You are amazing!
I love the pictures, you shared and I could not help but notice Mark did look like an elf. Haha and you seemed just like a retro pixi! <3 Love it so much. Fairytell couple of the year. MARK AND DOE <333
<3 -Miss Sin
I didn’t even know you guys were married!
Very sweet photos, I must say!
My man and i are the best of friends, and we even have a very cute (yet slightly evil) daughter. We have actually been engaged for a while now.
Last year we started planning a very low key ceremony…but family members had all these “ideas”, and eventually it seemed like our wedding was becoming planned around what was best for them, not us! Our vision of a small, intimate marriage was fading away, and being replaced with a decidedly unromantic ( and expensive) prospect of entertaining a crowd of people that we would otherwise not usually spend a lot of time with. So we cancelled those plans.
We now plan to marry in secret somewhere, someday, dressed up to the nines in very unconventional wedding attire, then traipse around the city eating decadent food, and taking amusing photographs of ourselves:)
Much more romantic I think!
Sweet story and pictures. I was married last August, and I have to say–being married ROCKS! My dress was green!:)
My relationship is kind of how your’s started. My boyfriend and I live together, we actually have a 9 month old son too. At first I was pushing and kept asking when we’d get married, but I realized it was more because of how people would view me, having a child and being unmarried. I stopped pushing because like you I know it’s not really important if we’re happy. We do want to get married someday, but we’re not in any rush… anymore at least.
My thoughts, in order:
That is a TALL bed!
Your bridesmaid’s dresses are gorgeous! Where did they get them?!
And your story is amazing too :) Warms the heart, it does. It makes me feel better because Matt and I met around the same time but we’ll be getting married in a few months (we’ll have been together about a year and a half when we get hitched). It feels totally natural and a lot of the reasons it’s practical are what you listed – I will probably end up being self-employed soon and I’ve been without health insurance the whole time we’ve been together, Matt can’t put me on his plan. Which is DUMB, by the way.
Anyways. Your story is awesome. :)
I really appreciated this post, thank you for the perspective. You two are gorgeous together.
I just wanted to say I hope you two stay forever happy together and I’m glad an awesome girl like you found an awesome guy! <3
love it! you guys sure do make a power couple! =)
Jenny — My birthday is also on their wedding day!!
Looks like we’ll never be forgetting Doe’s anniversary! :P
you too sound like the perfect couple!!! and you make marriage sound soooo easy despite what everyone else seems to believe these days…
i also love how you both discovered the true meaning of marriage (at least my idea of it)…
i cant wait till i am in a position to live like that to! :P
oh oh! i forgot to comment on mark’s hair…he REALLY looks like an elf (he always does but his wedding-do made it even more obvious!) hehehe… :)
Hahaha I was going “awwww” to every part of your post until the toilet seat part, when just burst out laughing. Great post! And I love your dress, as well as those of your bridesmaids!
I’ve never been one to dream about my wedding. I have the same belief as you, it’s only a piece of paper to say “we” are married. I also have no desire to have kids so the only reason I would get married is if I wanted to join incomes, tax purposes or to get on each others health insurance. My bf and I have been together for 2 years and I do believe he is my soul mate but marriage isn’t important to us right now. And right now I don’t mind splinting rent/food/utilities equally. He’s actually not so good with money so I’m not sure I would ever want a joint account anyway. heh
But I have to say you both looked beautiful at your wedding.
Wow, your story sounds a lot like mine. We haven’t been together quite as long, only 4 years. People keep asking when the wedding is, and I keep saying that it just doesn’t make sense. I know in the future, when it’s right, we’ll do it and it’ll be low key and just a party, but I’m not going to let people pressure us into making that decision.
And it’s funny, because it’s not our parents who you think would push, it’s everyone else!
I got married on the same day as you! My wedding was so horribly stressful and overblown, though, and the marriage didn’t even last. But I’m glad to see it wasn’t contagious that day. Best wishes to you both, you make a lovely couple.
Hi … (I’m supposed to be working and) I’ve just stumbled into your beautiful site ^_^ I really enjoy the way you describe your relashionship and your marriage … because it reflects my experience perfectly! I met my husband when we were both 20 … at 26 we were living together (in Italy this kind of things is kinda slower than in the anglosaxon countries ;) and, in the end, we got married at 31 exactly for the reasons you have described (minus the shared bank account … we already had that!).
One more thing: believe me wedding dream is not only an american (girls) dream … in Italy is alive and kicking (my female friends are still looking at me in a certain way …).
Mina
PS Forgive my mistakes … english is not my mothertongue!!
I like this! My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married (we aren’t engaged, we just know one day we will) and everyone seems to think it’s so weird that two such independent, “alternative” (I don’t really think I am but apparently I am) people who don’t want children want to “conform” to the institution of marriage.
Right now, we’re only 21 and I’m happy with where we are. But I know at some point it’s going to become weird to call him my boyfriend when really he’s my best friend, my family and my life partner. So I want to get married. And as I am entering the world of academia I hope to publish papers, make a name for myself – and my last name is pretty awful. lol.
Also, he has EU citizenship and if I marry him I can apply and get mine and go live in Europe! So yes – right now it’d be silly for us to get married, but at some point it’s not going to make sense for us not to be married.
You both looked so lovely! Wauw <3
Mark looks amazing with straightened hair. I mean, he is spunky any day of the week, but wow!
I alternate between wanting my ‘dream wedding’ (which is rather different to most people’s dream weddings, I have to admit) and just wanting to run away with my best friend and elope. I saw pictures of a childhood friend who got married in Vegas because they wanted a small wedding – I like your version of a small wedding MUCH MUCH better!
You were both really beautiful. You look like a doll !^-^
bisous
oh lovely details. I met my husband when I was 18 (so young too). I love your wedding dress and the bridesmaids look gorgeous!! Pretty good for an ‘undramatic’ day. :-)
I’m so glad you posted this…I have been DYING to know what your wedding pictures looked like and what you wore!! :) Love that dress. Also love your explanation for everything.
Sweet story, and surprising for how young you guys were. If you ever want to do the high fashion redux wedding shoot, I would be so on that!
On why you got married: I feel similar about marriage. As I’ve gotten older i came to realize you don’t have to marry someone to love them and be together forever. But I think unless things change it’s important to be legally married for legal rights. I keep thinking about the idea of the wrong person being able to decide whether or not to pull the plug. (for certain people i know this is a reason for divorce lol)Its one reason I feel strongly about being for Gay marriage and i kinda don’t get people who have been together forever and not felt it necessary to tie the knot.
Well I don’t think you believe in numerology but hopefully you’ll find this interesting/fun: I added up your wedding date and it’s a number 3. From what I know (and I’m no expert, my mom nearly is) 3 is a number of creativity and represents the artistic -Hey go figure! According to my mom it also is a very Lucky number!
WOW! When I read the part about Mark’s Dad marrying you I burst out laughing even though my mom and brother were both asleep nearby. That was so funny!
Actually most of that made me laugh. You’re quite adorable with all your quirks. Yet another reason I will never allow myself to become normal.
the dresses: When I first saw your picture I was surprised because i didn’t think that was your style at all. I wondered if it had maybe been your mothers dress passed down. But then in the picture with the cake I could see up close why you picked it. I LOVE the colour and the roses in your hair, you looked beautiful! the cake is awfully pretty too and that picture makes me hungry =) Also I love the “bridesmaids” dresses. the colour and design on the bottom are fantastic!
Sorry i’m addicted to this i can’t stop wanting to comment!
I can’t believe 2 people have that birthday and 1 other HAD that anniversary. This blog oozes of creativity and there are several people associated with the number 3 just that i know of. My numerology Must be right ;P
@ mina harker: I’m prety sure Italian immigrants are a big part of the making of the American Dream Wedding. After all my grandfather was 1st generation Italin-American and all the people a generation or more older than me on my Dads sided of the Family had big fancy white weddings.
You married younger good-looking Severus Snape. Xenia you know you look like Lily. We need to go to a Harry Potter convention. Xenia would make a good cosplayer. Puffy is totally coming too cause she is the Mrs. Norris to my Filch. Yes its true Xenia. Your cat can no longer deny our love!
>:-)
Was Mark your first love? you two were so young when you met, it just seems that way.
I always wondered a little about your marriage! glad to hear things are excellent!
♣ CJ
Ha, Mark was Severus Snape for Halloween once! My whole family is into Harry Potter, look:
http://www.doedeereblogazine.com/articles/halloween-throughout-the-years
♣ Lauren
Mark was my second true love, but my first serious relationship. Because you can’t have a serious relationship when you’re 14, hehe! ;)
“I knew he was the one because we almost never fight (and when we do, it’s always because I’m being an idiot.)! It’s the smoothest, most supportive relationship I’ve ever had – plus he’s a hottie! :D”
My feelings exactly about my relationship!!
[...] My wedding, how it came about and whatMark & I think about marriage [...]
I laughed so hard at the mental image of your wedding ending up doing thriller in your living room. So awesome
Beautiful story and very interesting, I think thats a wonderful relationship to have, congrats :)