Dear Doe,
You probably get many of these emails, but I can’t help myself to tell you that you have to be the best person I have ever discovered online. While looking around for a smokey makeup look for a dance recital almost two years ago, I found your blog and also found a ton of inspiration for my own makeup creations. You blog served as a sort of portal into the center of the rainbow, everything on each page more sparkly and colorful and the one before it. It’s here where I got ideas to change my style up a lot more than usual.
My normal day outfit consisted, for almost three years, of jeans, concert tees and thick eye makeup. I wasn’t afraid of color, I just never bothered with it because I never wanted to fit the social norm of my school and community, which is mostly preppy girls who rock Uggs and shirts that show 90% of their cleavage all year. It wasn’t until after the Phoebe Prince tragedy, which unfortunately took place at my school, when I decided to drop most of the black and brighten myself up. During that time of media scrutiny, reading your blog brought me out of the depression that followed many of the 700 people in my school and put me in a place where everyone accepted who you were, no matter where you came from. My personal style has changed dramatically, and many people have noticed. My dad recently complemented my extraordinary ability to wear purple, and I find it easier to shop for clothes that don’t have a studs-and-chains vibe about them. I owe everything that has made me who I am to you. Thank you so much for making me a much happier person, inside and out.
~ Lauren
Dear Lauren,
I appreciate your kind words, it means a lot to me that people are able to take something of value away from the blog. But it comes down to every individual’s choice and personal resolve to make changes in their lives, and I salute you for taking this harsh experience and turning it into something positive for yourself.
Your letter made me look into the incident of Phoebe Prince’s suicide deeper, and I wanted to say a few words on bullying. I’ve received a few emails from girls who are being bullied, stalked, verbally and physically abused by their peers. Moving helps escape but, as we saw in Phoebe’s case, doesn’t solve the real issue.
Always stick up for yourself and show the bully you will not take the abuse. We are often taught not to escalate and just walk away, but by the time it becomes clear the person is after you, it’s going to get more and more difficult to change the dynamic. Don’t let it get that far. The minute you suspect a bully, you push back – as hard as you can. If someone says something mean to you, don’t let them get away with it. Say something back, be aggressive. It’s ok. This is your life, your dignity, and you must fight for it tooth and nail. If it’s not working, do tell the adults. This is exactly what a bully doesn’t want you to do – because it means consequences. If teachers won’t listen, talk to the police. Make sure people are aware of what’s happening to you. And whatever you do, don’t end your life – or they win automatically. Never give them that satisfaction.
I’ve been bullied a couple times in my life for sticking out too much. Once at school, and more recently online. What I learned is that you’ve got to speak the language a bully understands – a language of consequences. I learned to always push back, firmly and decisively, letting them know it won’t fly with me. Eventually, the bully gets the message and goes on to bully somebody else.
My heart goes out to Phoebe Prince’s family and everyone who knew her. Lauren, I hope you continue growing as an individual and spreading your positive message in your school!
Wow. Lauren has had the power to do what I’ve always been afraid to, and is a really, really inspiring story. I’m moving away for university soon, and maybe I’ll have her courage, then, when I can be someone else without expectations.
I was bullied severely for many years, and at first I just took it. Until puberty when I started to answer people or report them to the principal. Would it not be a wonderful world if bullying just went away if you showed some backbone? Sadly, this is not how it works in many cases, and not in mine. If I reported anyone, the next day everyone would know and I just went deeper down into highschool hell. If I was mouthing back, it could easily lead to pushing. Once I pushed back, and I was beaten black and blue with a bicycle fender. Saying that it’s in your power to change being bullied is like a slap in the face, even if I know you might not mean it, because believe me I tried everything, from being the wallflower to the confrontational and nothing worked. Finally it escalated to deathtreaths and I was pulled out of school completely.
Doe Deere Reply:
August 27, 2010 at 5:47 pm
Lina, I’m so sorry to hear about that. :( That’s just terrible, I hope you’re alright. I didn’t mean to offend anyone with my advice, nor was it intended to be judgmental in any way. I will be the first to say that pushing back doesn’t always work and sometimes, indeed, escalates to worse. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t at least attempt to stand up for ourselves.
I hope that wherever you are, you are not bullied any longer. Thanks for the input.
Lina Reply:
August 27, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Nah, I did not think it was meant to put the blame on the victim, it’s easy to generalise in the heat of the moment, an unclear statement and people can take offence, ‘specially if they are used to being looked down upon.. Just thought it would be good with some pros and cons to pushing back. People should stand up for themselves, but they must also know that there are risks.
No, I’m not bullied anymore, but it took me years to get over it, still working out some parts, but hey, at least I never gave up on being me. I’m 22 years old with pastel hair and tulledresses.
Doe Deere Reply:
August 27, 2010 at 8:27 pm
You are very beautiful, Lina. :) Your hair makes me want to drop everything and dye mine a pastel purple!!!
i live in amherst, a town right next to hadley where the phoebe prince incident took place. i never thought it would be mentioned on your blogzine.
anyway for a constructive comment, great article doe!
Adults bully each other too. I was bullied at work. When I tried to go to the supervisor, things only got worse because I was known as a whistle-blower. In the end, I was forced to resign. :-( I’m glad in the end though, because I know it wasn’t the right place for me. I also learned that you gotta stand up right away and yes, you have to speak in a language of consequences. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
While I”m happy for Lauren and glad that you’re paying attention to bullying, I’m confused about your advice. It seems to border on victim blaming to say that it’s in your own power to change it. I’ve been bullied; I’ve told parents&teachers&even the parents of the bully were told, but while in mid school the bully stopped and apologized, in high school the bully/bullies continued. Still, when years passed and we all grew older the bullies seemed to cease. I was confident and reacted aggresively, but when the bullies did not stop even after being punished by their parents, one feels quite powerless.
To stop bullying even those not involved should help: if everyone tells the bully that what they’re doing is wrong and if you make it clear to the victim that it is not their fault that they are being bullied and that they do not deserve it, since it is meaningless behaviour of the bully, we will have come far.
Doe Deere Reply:
August 27, 2010 at 8:34 pm
Words of wisdom right there, Fanny. Yes, absolutely the rest should help make the bully feel in the wrong! I hope my advice didn’t come off to emotional; I’ve been corresponding with this girl who is going through some tough times with a group of guys making up lies about her, and even though adults were involved, it didn’t do anything. Like you said, it makes you feel so powerless.
Evening Star Reply:
August 27, 2010 at 9:05 pm
It really does; adults don’t often really understand the types of pressure that can be put on you. I was bullied quite a bit in school when I was younger, and my strategy was not to push back aggressively, but to let them know that I didn’t care. I would toss out a ‘whatever’ or just walk away. Sometimes I would use complicated language they didn’t understand to insult them and then leave. Because they didn’t get a reaction, they stopped bothering me.
Sometimes it’s not about the adults you tell or not, not about how strong you are; I made myself ignore these people and the lies and insults and petty fights they started, and through that became stronger.
In my experience bullies WANT you to fight back. If I could, I’d go back in time and laugh at and/or ignore 99% of the bullying I received at school. Instead I fought against it, and had at various times – rocks thrown at me, girls spitting in my face, teachers JOINING IN with the abuse (because my replying made them think I could take it)…
Doe Deere Reply:
August 27, 2010 at 8:30 pm
I see what you mean, Ruth. Sometimes it really is better to just ignore it. Of course bullies want you to fight back – so they could demonstratively win. It’s figuring out how to make them lose that’s the hard part… Adults joining in on the abuse is simply a disgrace and makes me so angry. :( I hope you’re alright now. Let me know.
Doe,
Your message is moving because it is heart felt. I really want to thank you for being an inspiration to us all and for using this part that you have in our lives to help us grow stronger and more confident.
This blog of yours is about make up, outfits, colours and gleeful stuff in general but you are always ready to sit and discuss the hard things in life with us. Truth is, you really want to HELP us and you put yourself out there for us.
I respect you.
My heart goes out to Phoebe’s family as well and Lauren, if you ever read this, please know that I respect you too because you was not afraid to change.
My sister used to be bullied all the time when she was a kid, especially for how easily she used to cry. She tried to talk back and stand her ground, but bullies tend to feed off of that… I told her to pretend that it didn’t bother her, but instead to act like the bully was kind of dumb. For example, I’d tell her to say things like, “You’re really… cool…” in an obvious-sarcastic tone, and just things like that. Not giving the bullies much of a reaction bores some of them after a while, and that’s kind of what happened; the bullies lost interest in picking on my sister.
I’m sure this won’t work with all people since bullies come in different packages, so…
Oh, I never heard about Phoebe Prince….so sad. :( I’ve heard similar stories though.
I was lucky, I was only bullied a small amount at school.
I know this doesn’t work in all cases, but adopting the sarcastic ‘yeah, YOU’RE cool’ tone like Ash (above) mentioned is sometimes very effective.
Very moving article, thanks for sharing :)
I really can’t believe this advice. Push back as hard as you can? Prove you won’t take the bullying? Be aggressive?
In my experience, this kind of attitude will only escalate verbal or physical abuse. Bullies want to feel like they control you and if you try to overpower them they will take it as a challenge. Bullies are crippled by confident, independent people who stay mature, even when it’s tempting to be reactive.
I know you have good intentions, but you’re implying that victims are bullied by choice because they’re not standing up for themselves.
jane Reply:
November 15, 2010 at 7:49 pm
I really think everyone is missing the point. There isn’t one single way to deal with a bully because there are many different types of bullies who are motivated for a variety of reasons.
Sometimes it is just better to ignore the bully and they’ll stop. For these bullies, not getting a rise out of the victim bores them, so they just move on to a person who will react.
With other bullies, ignoring them makes them just escalate their behavior, because they think the victim is too weak to react. In these types of situations, the best thing to do is to push back and let the bully know that they will suffer consequences if the bullying doesn’t stop.
The most important thing is to try to get into the messed up psyche of the bully. Figure out their weaknesses and use it against them. They deserve it!
How awful. I was (and still am somewhat) bullied as a young girl, mostly passively, but I can understand Phoebe’s pain and actions. I think it’s sad that I am 16 now, and we were both born about the same time, though a thousand miles away. Bullying is really awful, it scars you for the rest of your life, similar to rape or anything traumatic really. I’ve become so self-conscious, so depressed and upset with myself even after moving to a new state and getting many treatments and antidepressants. You always get betrayed by your friends, you feel that you have no real friends, no one will stick up for you anymore, and even if they do, which my Mom did, no one will believe them. Sadly, I came to the counselor at my old school, and the day before I was light and free, and the next day I was the one who started everything. I was the one to be punished the same as my bullies if anything came up again. I cry to think about it, even though I am really partly responsible. Same in my new school, boys younger than me are stepping all over my dignity. Even my friends don’t chere care for me or have any time. While people on facebook keep posting how great their life is and how much fun they had with the love of their life and besties. It seems there’s a curse on me that keeps me in my place and that the only peace I will ever get is to do what Phoebe did. No matter if I stay quiet, push back as hard as I can, cry and scream in pain many times, get up after I am hit with pain, the world has no place for me. I can never change that.
Kristy Reply:
August 31, 2010 at 11:50 pm
Ksenia, I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but life does get better. There’s no doubt that most bullying occurs at school and in the teen years. But as someone who struggled with similar thoughts when I was in my teens, it does get better. My highschool years were the most difficult and every year since then just gets better and better. So please don’t give up. It is worth holding on.
Phoebe Prince’s story is so tragic. :(
So far I have never been bullied, thank goodness. My heart goes out to those who have. I hope you’re never bullied again.
x
Why is it when people wear black with smokey eye makeup, and possibly leather or studded get ups, all of a sudden they’re depressed? I dress the way I do, with studded belts, chains, dark wash denim and shirts, because I like it.
Seriously I am so sick of reading how people say they’re depressed because they wore a studded belt from Clairs and have a black tanktop from Walmart.
Dark colours do not equal your feelings and reflections upon life.
I wanted to say thank you so much for standing up to the bully online and still shining so brightly. I was recently bullied online by the same group you were (or at least the same person responsible for starting it) and it was a horrible experience.
But you are right, you have to stand up and let them know it is not ok. And we need to stick up for others when we see them getting bullied too.
I think you are a shining star. And those that don’t have the light themselves seek to dim it in others so they can have the spotlight.
Thank you for sharing your life and your dreams and being an amazing woman to emulate.
All the best,
Jenna
Wow this is a topic I’ve been sort of worried about recently for the younger generation I feel so bad this is going on.I think your advice is really good though. I remember sticking up for people in high school and when the bully’s turned on me I would not put up with it. It wasn’t easy because they did say stuff to me that was quite hurtful but if you challenge them chances are they will be threatened and stop. Lol I remember telling a guy if he disrespected me one more time I would smash a beer bottle over his head he was so shocked he left me alone!
I think a lot of us have had to deal with bullies in our lives, and some worse than others. With the internet its been taken to a new level. The group known only as “anonymous” is the most notorious bully group on the internet. They are the MAIN force behind ED and 4chan. They’ve done a lot of terrible things to people:(