…to be or not to be you, that is.
I’m 14, but I have quite an individual style inspired by you, Vivienne Westwood collections & other styles. I live in an area in Scotland where everyone my age just wears baggy jeans and “hoodies”. Yesterday, I decided to go out wearing clothes I just bought that I really loved, but a soon as I stepped out the door everyone was shouting comments at me, telling me to buy some “decent clothes” and to stop thinking I’m “it”. It got to the point that my mum started shouting at me, asking why I couldn’t just be “normal”! Is there any good ways to deal with stuff like this? It was very embarrassing due to the fact everyone stopped and just looked at me when people were shouting comments.
Thanks,
Anna
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Deer Doe, last night was my graduation dance, marking the end of six years of high school (I live in Scotland), and during the dance they host an “alternative” awards ceremony. About 200 people attended. I received the first award, for “Best Dressed Female” – a nice thing, you may guess, but it was meant sarcastically. I could’ve brushed that aside, had the teacher presenting the award – a bullying gym teacher – not then continued on to say “Instead of going to normal shops, she finds her clothes in bins and off the streets” among other, more hurtful things. There was a lot of laughter (though none from my friends), and I ended up crying when I got back to my table. It completely ruined the night for me; my boyfriend and I left early, but I at least had the support of my subject teachers, one of whom is a goth who drives a motorbike. :P I don’t cope well with crowds and I’m generally a very private person, but my clothing is my method of self expression. I don’t think my style is very ‘out-there’, but apparently the person who nominated me has a problem with my purple jacket, or sequined converse!
How do you manage to be so individual yet not allow these kinds of people to offend you or hold you back?
Lauren
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Deer Doe – My boyfriend and I were walking home from a party the other night when we were attacked. The attackers yelled things about both of our clothing, and when we failed to react, they jumped my boyfriend. I don’t think that either of us were dressed to any odd extremes, but for the area I live in, big poofy dresses like I love to wear, and my boyfriends bright and colorful suits don’t go over well. We’re strong enough to handle insults, and even petty threats… but watching my loved one get attacked for how we were both dressed was terrifying and since then, I’ve been afraid to wear anything but the basic jeans and a sweater outfit that everyone else seems to wear. As a result, I haven’t been getting any odd looks, but I haven’t been feeling like me either.
What would you do in this situation? Continue to dress how you feel most comfortable, or conform for the sake of safety?
Sara
Photo: Stuntkid
Even though I’ve addressed the subject of individuality vs social response before, I still get letters about it often. How can I be myself when everybody tries to cut me down to size? How do I dare be me when all I get is ridicule?
If you like to think differently, dress differently or live differently, chances are you’ve experienced a negative reaction from others. Some people feel intimidated by those who don’t look like them because it indicates you may not conform in other ways. Does it give them the right to belittle you? No. What Lauren’s teacher did was low, pathetic and insensitive. If I were there, I’d probably grab the mic and make a case for me – I bet there were others oppressed by that teacher, too. Unfortunately, sticking up for yourself is not always an option – especially when brute force is introduced such as in Sara’s case. So how do you stay safe without compromising your identity?
- Move
Relocating to a more tolerant area is the best and most obvious solution. Remember, living in a place where you’re not accepted will only lead to depression and misery. If moving is not in the cards right now, work towards it – just knowing you’re on track will keep you significantly happier!
- Dress appropriately
I know, I know, we all hate the word “appropriate” but it does make sense. I used to insist on dressing up every day, regardless of where I went and who I was with. This resulted in a lot of strange looks, one physical assault and an array of awkward situations (including Mark and my mom being confused for my parents when I was dressed Lolita – true story!). I’ve since decided that if I’m going to venture out in my Sunday best, it’d better be for an appreciative crowd. People involved in the arts are usually pretty cool; concerts, parties and art events are all great placed to exhibit your individuality. Don’t have a developed art community where you live? Create one! The best place to meet like-minded people – surprise! – is on the internet. :)So what do you wear the rest of the time? Procure some ‘civilian clothes’ similar in style to your preferred look – be sure they’re in all your favorite colors!
- Travel in groups
Bring a friend – or better yet, a group of friends. It’s more fun that way plus you’re a lot less likely to become a victim of the narrow-minded. If you must walk somewhere on your own and are worried you might be attacked, bring a change of clothes.
- Adopt a public persona
I recommend this as a last resort as pretending for the rest of your life – even if only part-time – is never a healthy idea. I’ve known bankers, lawyers & ophthalmologists who turn into goths, bikers and Victorians after work. When I used to work at an office, I would wear colorful underwear and funky toe nail polish to remind me that I’m still me. :)
- Smile
Wherever you go. People are less intimidated by those who allow themselves to crack a smile every once in a while – so try it! :)
Img: Comme des Garçons
I was told many times that what I was doing was foolish, that I’d eventually ‘grow out of it’ and conform. I swore off skirts in high school – we didn’t officially have a uniform if it weren’t for one dogmatic teacher who insisted on the no-pants-for-girls rule – which got me sent home several times. I kept coming in in pants. I refused to wear skirts not for what they were, but for what they represented: a uniform for the female gender. Today, I clearly don’t have a problem with dresses & skirts because there is no pressure to wear them, besides they are so much more flamboyant than pants! My dress style may have changed, but the reasoning behind it didn’t.
When you make the decision to be you, you’re making an important choice. It’s a determination to follow your path in spite of the resistance you meet along the way. The world will try to force you back into the box, but don’t let them brow-beat you. Ultimately, those who break the rules of today make the rules of tomorrow.
Deerlings: tell me about what makes you, you. Do you ever face discrimination for being different?
Hey Doe Deere, I can totally relate to this. I have a hat from Shana Logic the knitted panada one with the ears. We went to game stop and the women behind me yells to her husband “LOOK! Look at that child, what age does she thinks she is? Why does her mother let her dress like that? She looks like shes about to see Mickey Mouse!” (I’m 14 and was wearing jeans and tee) I was embarssed and I almost turned and said “Ya know I like Mickey Mouse.” but I didn’t. I think the idea of smiling really does work, people will take it that you like to dress that way and don’t just do it to stand out :D
Myself and my partner are certainly more… ‘unusual’ by most standards. I’m 5ft 11 and pretty much live in heels, he’s 5ft 8, I insist on only wearing skirts or dresses and don’t really ‘do’ casual wear, he has hair longer than most women with long hair and is covered in tattoos.
But more than that, he is also a transvestite. He doesn’t dress outrageously in ‘normal’ situations as we know people won’t react well to it, in fact, he wears jeans and t shirts most of the time, but even then, we still face prejudice, even from the so-called ‘alt’ crowd. People call us freaks, think I must be mad for loving him regardless of how he might want to dress, because for me, the idea that a man who wears a skirt is a transvestite is wrong, society has decided men do not wear skirts. Years ago this was different, men wore kilts and it was even men who wore the first pointe ballet shoes, not women as it is now. The few occasions we have been dressed how we want to for burlesque nights or other ‘alt’ events we have drawn stares and rude comments from those who consider themselves to be ridiculed for how they dress, I hate the hypocrisy of it. Even those people who are ‘alt’ and criticize us for our relationship will then say we are not ‘alt’ enough to be allowed in their places because I am not tattooed or pierced obviously.
We live in a small bigoted town and have both been assaulted for how we dress, I’ve even been attacked 3 times at work for it, even though I have to wear a uniform, my hair has been enough for them.
We both dress in ways that we hope don’t draw attention to us now, just because it is easier to avoid confrontation and save our dress up for ourselves, because we truly appreciate it.
One day I hope we’ll live somewhere we can feel comfortable being who we are, but till then, we’ll appreciate it on our own instead.
I have a big personality that some (mostly men) may deem creepy or chaotic, coupled with an endless supply of energy. I’m very fidgety and can never sit still. Even when walking down the street, I tend to change my pace or direction, climb on lamp posts, skip, run, zig zag…almost like Jack Sparrow or the Joker. I like to change my appearance or ideas just for the sake of change. An everyday life is really not for me.
Now, I attend a college where most people are prim, proper and composed. You can imagine what reactions I get. lol. xD
I wouldn’t say I’m discriminated but I have never felt like I belonged anywhere.
A few years ago I didn’t really care too much about my appearance. I just threw on some sweats and a shirt and was out of the house. In the last year, though, I’ve changed. I’ve found myself wanting to buy more feminine, edgy clothes.
This change was only possible due to the self-confidence gain that I experienced, and it made me SO happy to finally be wearing clothes that I felt expressed my personality.
I got some weird looks that were definitely directed at my clothes, but I realized that if someone was driven away because of my style, I wouldn’t want to be friends with that kind of person anyway!! =)
Wow, those were some striking stories up there!
Narrow mind are everywhere, that’s why I changed highschool two years ago. And I still get some shouting because of my colour-changing hair, that’s gone from fuscia, red, back to fuscia and purple.
What I do to ‘fit in’ a little more is to make normal trends my own. You know, take that sweater EVERYONE is wearing and add a little flair to it. Accesories are a gift from God, take them, use them, don’t be afraid to go there! Or make that normal blue jean look different by adding a striking belt with awsome colours.
Personally, I love scarfs, necklaces, belts, ribbons and everything I can put in my head, from hats to laces. And of course, shoes are THE way to be different. Because if you combine those amazing, mind-blowing, glittery pumps with the basic blue jean, a basic top with accesories as bold as the shoes, you are making a statement by being ‘politically and socially correct’ as well as loyal to yourself
By the way, I loved that ‘wear colorful underwear and funky toe nail polish’ I do it too!!
This reminds me so much of my teenage years and I still haven’t recovered. I used to do stuff like wear lace up sandals (Before they became popular), wrap necklaces around my head (usually so that the jewel would hang down in the middle) and wear dresses over jeans. Alot of these things are now fashion NO’S, but I was just trying to find my identity (I was fourteen).
The thing is, the ridicule I faced during this time was so bad that even today, at 21, I’m still afraid to wear what I want. No one has said anything, but I judge myself more harshly than they ever did.
It boggles my mind that people give others shit because they decide to dress differently. The fact teachers even gave one of these girls crap for beng “alternative” make my blood boil. I’ve dressed in my own unusual way since I was a teenager and although I’m sure people commented about it behind my back, I don’t recall any actual teasing about my sense of style. I get kind of angry and really quite embarrassed when I see people dressed in the stuff deemed really fashionable at that time, which is really very unflattering and just awful. I think it’s pathetic and luckily everyone else I know tends to agree. I didn’t think people in Brisbane were very open-minded but maybe they are. Nothing I wear, which included tutu’s and sequined everything, has ever provoked abuse or nasty comments. Or maybe I have excellent selective deafness and just don’t hear any of it at all.
Dear Doe D.
I’ve been following your blog for the last couple of days, and yes, I’ve gone through every single page you’ve posted. (Love it!)
By the way I also love the fact that you’re Russian! I sing in an Alt Rock band and our name used to be Seroe (well it’s written like that in the Roman alphabet, but cyrillic looked something like “cepoe”, it was meant to mean Grey anyway).
And about the topic discussed… Since I was the only student during high school who had artistic concerns I’d always been looked at as the “strange” one, and now that I’m in college, and happily studying Fine Arts, performing gigs with my band, living happily with my fiancé and dressing and making up the way I want to I can proudly say: IT PAYS OFF to be the different one.
We “different ones” enjoy life deeply and in full colour, the other ones are just led everywhere as a flock… that’s too sad.
A TOAST TO EVERYONE THAT HAS EVER BEEN CALLED DIFFERENT OR STRANGE OR… NOT NORMAL! :) we rule a world that’s worth knowing
With loooove from Spain
Ira.
Well, i live in a really old culture city, with a lot of closed-mind people, i alawys have to listen stupid comments since my 14 years old…
I remember im my graduation from normal school, that i wore a kuro-lolita dress, made by my sweet mom, and everyone gets chocked…
Today, with 18, i can say sometimes i’ll explode with it, i really need to change from this city, but it’s really hard for me find a job now…
My ‘normal’ style is skinny jeans with lovely heels, and i love fur acessories (fake ones, of course), then i mixed then in normal wear…
Someday i hope people change.
Oh Lorelle!!! I used to do that necklace thing too!!!and in fact…my “thing” is fairytales…i want to feel like a princess, or an elf or a fairy or even the evil step-mother at times!!!
Its only been 5 years since i started doin my own thing with my clothes and i still have a long way to go…
I still dont have the guts to pull the heavy long aubergine cape with velvet magenta hem and an antique bronze brooch on the neckline to keep it in place that i practically made my grandmother sew for me.
And 3 years ago i bought the most amazing Camper leather boots ever, with leather stripes in different colors to tie them up on the calf…
If you ask me what keeps me back id say im not sure…maybe i still have work to do on my self-esteem before i find myself even remotely close to having to “defend” myself against someone else…
Wow, that’s terrible! I feel so upset for these poor girls being harassed, but your advice is very good.
I don’t dress very “out there” I don’t feel comfortable with it yet and am a bit scared about what people will think. I’m usually a tshirt and sneakers girl, but I make sure my tshirts are fun and my sneakers are bright.
Being yelled at and threatened for the way you look is terrifying. Thankfully Wellington is the most likely place to find people expressing their individuality through clothing in New Zealand.
I’m definitely supportive of anyone that is brave enough to dress how they want, and I’m thankful that I can go crazy occasionally and get more compliments than anything else.
Those stories are pretty awful :C
Not being a mindless sheep does not warrant behaviour from those that are, and they are clearly in the wrong about the whole “dawww look at dose peoples dey are diffrent!” thing there :/
I get funny looks but not really any abuse about what I wear, or the colours in my hair, so I am quite lucky in that respect. The fact that most people I am surrounded by are too selfish to look outside of themselves, and their self-made soap-opera lives might be my saving grace though.
So true about changing your environment – after moving to a big city I can really see the difference, people are way less fazed by crazy clothes and have better things to do than make negative comments about them! I guess NY is a dream world for outrageous and snazzy dressers!
What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger as well, and when I was younger I remember being frustrated that people couldn’t take that me and my friends were different – now it’s like a compliment! confirming that we’re unusual. I really couldn’t care less about things like that now for sure, more important things in life.
When I first met my ex-boyfriend’s parents I had very pale and matt lavender lips. (I didn’t know I will meet them.) After I was just called, “the blue lipped girl”. But they love me, even if I am not with their son any more.
We have it quite bad here in the uk, with a girl recently murdered for the way she looked. Sophie Lancaster and her boyfriend were attacked by a group of youths (known as chavs) for being goth. They kicked, punched and ripped out her hair extensions. Her boyfriend woke from his coma after the attack, but sophies injuries were too great and she died. the boys who did it were caught and prosecuted but i dont think their sentence was anywhere strong enough.
Sophies mum set up a foundation to get the law changed here on descrimination laws to include people of different sub cultures.
http://www.myspace.com/inmemoryofsophie
since then others have been assaulted and it is dangerous in some areas to even consider being other than the ‘norm’ sad days indeed.
I have been verbally abused for daring to wear clothes that werent like what everyone else wears..for not being a sheep.I walk with my head held high..although on many days i tone down my look purely to make the day pass easier.
I’m not surprised about the Mark/Mom as parents mix up; your mother’s GORGEOUS and young looking.
Oddly enough I’ve found that my spouse-creature gets more comments than I do. This is odd to me because I’m just a little thing (5’2ish) and he’s a not little thing (6’2ish with muscles to match and even 6’6 in his boots!) and could more than take care of them. I used to just ignore people when they’d comment from afar but I’m now a much happier person and tend to give it right back… with a smile! They wanna try to bring down your clothes, start poking fun at theirs!
My favorite was in a Wal Mart in northern Alabama. My spouse-creature (who often dresses in Jestery clothing *glee!*) and I (a bit of a carnival variety show) walked past a lady and her husband who pointedly started making comments about the riffraff and how sad it was that they (we, obviously) begged for attention like that. Houston (spouse-creature) whips around with a replay something akin to “Calling attention to yourself is better than taking no PRIDE in yourself and your appearance. We actually put THOUGHT into our wardrobe instead of just throwing on frankencrotch jeans and your husbands Mickey Mouse sweatshirt and hoping no one notices the bags under your eyes. No pride in yourself OR your spouse, or you’d want to make even the slightest effort to look nice for them, especially when they have to be SEEN with you. Next time you want to talk badly about someone either wait ’til they can’t hear or wait ’til they’re smaller than your husband. I’d say wait ’til they’re less intelligent than you but I don’t see that happening when you’re so narrow minded.”
It was quite the speech! He’s not a quiet person either, so more than just they heard it.
~`Variety
Im in the situation as both of them.
Okay, first i have to point out, im large, as in plus size. which already gets me attention…not the right kind, but its all good. :)
I dress very colorfully (i even own a rainbow sweater which is a staple in my wardrobe) I even dress in decora randomly (very colorful and over-assorized japanese style) I just love to be bold, colorful and out there.
I love dying my hair weird colors too. So far its been: pink, black, red, turquoise, green, yellow, orange, purple. Not many people like that either. my grandparents for example. lol
Then my face is also decorated by extremely heavy colorful makeup and multiple piercings (6 as of right now) and i plan on getting more too. I also plan on being covered in tattoos. so far i have 4, but theyre hidden. :)
and lets just say i get a lot of stares where ever i go. but i like them :) lifes to short to hide in the shadows
I’d just like to follow on from Kitten a bit.
What is it with people and gender-conforming?
I like to mess with gender stereotypes. I’m a skirtsy kinda gal but I do drag up occasionally. It’s fun! Plus now that I’ve discovered Kodona, I feel like it’s a legitimate part of my wardrobe. Some people find it a tad strange but hey, fuck them right?
A close family member is a pre-op transsexual who, at the moment, quite obviously looks male. She gets mistaken for a transvestite quite a lot but she doesn’t care. She has amazing fashion sense and wears what she wants to.
But sometimes she can’t. Why? Because the people around us don’t like it. We’ve been in restaurants before and had fellow patrons ask to be moved, had nasty comments slung at us, had whispers follow us everywhere.
Some of my more outlandish fashion statements get no comments at all, but the instant I swap a skirt for trousers, bind the breasticles… out come the insults. People don’t like things they can’t fit into the little boxes. It’s a social thing, we stereotype and try to classify things because it makes it easier and the biggest classification of ALL is the gender divide.
It hurts sometimes, but still, I don’t give a damn. These people have no say in what we do with our lives, just like we have no say in what they wear. Plenty of times have I bitten back a cutting remark to attackers – because it’s none of my business what they’re wearing.
I wish people could just get that in their heads. What other people look like, what they do, what they like, who they like have nothing to do with you, so sit down, shut up and enjoy the show.
I’ve never been put in any of these situations, but it’s great to know that these girls can come to you for advice. Oh how I love the bloggin’ world!
When I was a little kid, I always wore mis-matching bright clothes, and I hated denim. This brought on so much torment that I would fake being sick just to get out of school. By the time high school came along, I could ignore the taunts but it wouldn’t be until after leaving that I finally received respect for how I chose to dress.
I’ve been used to being bullied, picked on and rejected at school due to the way I dress, or the way I have my makeup and hair. I’m used to it now – I’m not going to stop myself wearing something just because some ignorant fool I don’t even know has a problem with it. Narrow-minded people are annoying, I know, but no one should let them get in the way of personal happiness and self-expression.
I’ve never let what people say about me bother. Maybe my tough inner city skin, but where i am from people just dress in polo, timberland, you know urban, since i am in Philadelphia.
but i always loved color and i dresses in what i love. vintage, patterns, colorful, tutu’s glitter, chunky rings. Hair in different color.
I would get teased in school,get called “freak”, “weirdo” and one time a boy sitting behind me cut my hair,my own mom would not walk with me, but it only made me stronger and actually felt bad for those who fall for peer pressure and follow the crowd. Itl this day i am still me and at times you just have to say the hell with them all and be TRUE TO YOURSELF.
I honestly could care less what people think of me and what i wear. I NEVER think TWICE of what people would think, because then are you dressing for people or for you? Either way being and staying true is key to anything.
It’s disgusting how insecure people find this bizarre need to attack others just because they have the guts to show some personality.
I love unique clothing, like Lolita for example. I was out with my bff and his boyfriend, and on our way home we ran in to some of his classmates. We offered them a seat in the booth next to ours, but they declined, and sat giggling and whispering about my outfit the whole trip.
Personally, I don’t really take criticism to heart (especially from people who wear trackies in public.) but it’s still terribly annoying.
Anyway, I think anyone who feels unsafe should carry some sort of defense item or the like, I have a paprika spray for example.
“it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring!”
I’m definitely a sartorial nut. My outfits usually happen to be jeans and a t-shirt, but always with bold colors [it's hard to find adorable clothes for a plus-sized body]. But I love kooky accessories. I have several pairs of glasses [like 10+] and some of them are pretty odd.
I think I’m lucky enough to have a supportive family and close friends -none of them care what I look like. Sometimes mom gives me looks like “Why do you wear that?” but usually I trust her. She has good vision. Also, I live in Vegas, and people here are usually pretty open-minded in general.
However, other people definitely give me the ‘look’. I think that’s more about how I act- I’m often very childish and sarcastic- then what I wear, but it’s all the same.
I’ve found the best way to fend of criticism if to project confidence. If you don’t look like a target, no one will make you one. Granted, I’ve never been attacked -and it also makes me quite angry that someone else has, over clothes- but this works for me.
And being a polite, charming person generally wins people over, no matter how completely nutty you are. XD
I’ve been dressing ‘funny’ for the last 8 years of my life, mostly ‘goth’ type fashions. Now I want to move on to coloured clothing in the same style (Lolita forever! <3). However, my wardrobe is still gothic lolita and punk goth type of things, at first I recieved a lot of criticism from my family as well as my schoolmates. Then I moved to Toronto and I felt very accepted. Now I live in a small rural town in South Jersey, and I actually don't recieve too many rude comments on my dress. In fact, I usually get compliments, and oddly enough mostly from 'normal' men and little old ladies! However, I have experienced some ignorance. Some fellows think I must be a party girl, and some family members of my friends are rude to me when I'm around. In fact, I visited my vietnamese friend and his parents chatted to each other about me in Vietnamese! I was so uncomfortable that I didn't even go into the house, and when the opportunity arose, we left to friendlier grounds. Worst of all, I wasn't even in my sunday best!
I guess I’ve been really lucky. At my school, we have no one who dresses in full-on costume madness, but two or three girls with crayon-colored hair. One girl consistently wears massive fake-fur shrugs, skin-tight neon jeans, bright makeup, but everyone loves her. Oddly enough, I live in a small town, too. I have this to say; invest in some pepper spray and self defense classes because I don’t want anyone to get hurt! Then, let your fabulous personality shine though and remember, there are always people out there somewhere who will support you and see that fabulousness!
This is something I run into a lot, especially now that I’m a mother of a teenager. Both of us have our own styles, much outside the societal “norm”, and I encourage it in her to be herself and to dress the way she wants. I want her to be happy with who she is.
Sadly she gets discouraged a lot – and by family to boot.
For those of us living in the US, where supposedly its supposed to be a more “free” nation, I find it disheartening that it rarely matters the sort of person that you are but rather the way you conform.
I don’t dress very outrageously. I tend to wear more “normal” clothing found in typical shops and then go all out with my jewelry. I love to create or find pieces that I’ve never seen on anyone else. That hasn’t caused any negativity. I always get compliments and I’m known for my jewelry at work. (I’m even working on creating a piece for someone else!)
I have unfortunately, run into people who think that my make up is too loud. Of course, they shut up when I give them my speech about how make-up is a form of physical, artistic self expression. Then they either accept it or assume I’m crazy!
Very good post, Doe. Very good :)
I was raised in a tiny town (about 500 people) and it was a very conservative place…which wasn’t good for little me who wanted nothing more then to wear a black tulle skirt, black corset, red ballet shoes, and a blue streak in my brown hair. I never got to be me and I still don’t really get to. My fashion has moved from goth to pin-up (as is my current career) yet I can’t go outside in my pencil skirt without getting stares, much less my full polka-dot halter skirt. Even putting a flower in my hair gets looks and they’re not usually the kind ones.
I will add that I am a plus sized lady, but I think I still look lovely. On my 21st birthday (November 5th!) I plan on wearing a red wiggle dress to the bar and ordering a bloody mary. I gotta be me someday!
This is great advice Doe. It hurts to read these questions. People should NOT have to deal with this but unfortunately that’s the world we live in and it’s just not fair.
What makes me, me? All sorts of things, I suppose. Having grown up for a few years in what was West Germany, having survived girls bullying me into wearing makeup (because I didn’t wear makeup in high school; it was a little impractical with swimming for PE 4 days a week) having gone through several scenes in places like Atlanta (goths and ravers and punks and southern charms) and Seattle (steampunks and skaters/skateboarders and the crowd of Pike’s Place)… It all adds up. I’m a rather curvy woman (plus size, real woman, however you want to say it) and I’ve finally come to a point where I love myself. My boyfriend is completely supportive of this, and with his long red hair that hangs down to his own hips (his hair is amazing and yes he’s a real redhead) he gets just as many looks as I do when we’re out and about. I don’t wear anything over the top, really, but I like colour and accenting with it, so I’ll paint up my nails and wear some fun bracelets or necklaces, and put a cute hair clip in my hair to keep it out of my face, and I’ll have my small paper umbrella to keep the sun off my shoulders (I live in Arizona where the sun shines pretty much all year) The best part, from my standpoint, is that I don’t belong in any one group of people–which had bothered me for a long time–so I have a rather varied assortment of friends that often tell me that I’m great the way I am (partially because they believe it and partially because I have days when my self esteem bottoms out)
Mind you, I had to move about 6000+ miles to finally get to where I am, not just in location, but in mindset, and it took 11 years. Yes it took time but in the end, it was worth every second.
I used to get teased for my clothing choices in elementary school and junior high. I have always been a little more creative with dressing than most of my peers. I have to say that changed after moving to larger cities. Now that I live in SF, I feel I dress boring because people have such great style here in my hood. It’s a bit strange to feel that way and most times I try to kick it up a notch just so I can feel unique.
Oh Kitten! I know how you feel! I also (at 5’11″) stand head and shoulders above my peers – it really makes you stick out from the crowd. My personal style has evolved over the years but I have never been “normal”. I have drawn criticism over the years and boy does it hurt your ego, but you can’t let it stop you from being as creative and experimental as you want to be.
I do agree that distain from the very people that should identify with you is harsh and hypocritical. However, dealing with narrow, petty personages with grace is what will elevate you above the situation. As a physically imposing lady (believe me, we are intimidating to most) you may receive more than your fair share of stares. When I do, I smile beautifully and situation permitting – walk over and introduce myself. More than half the people who look like they’re ready to throw an insult are pleasantly surprised by my sincere compliment on how wonderful they look. If they are openly rude to me I let them know what a pity it is that they don’t have a beautiful attitude as well.
Being gracious and kind, but not a doormat, really can help. If nothing else it ensures that you do right by others, even if they’re not ready to do right by you.
First off, the term “bresticles” made me laugh, that I might add it into my personal dictionary, bless you picaropicara!
Secondly, the whole, “adopting a public persona” isn’t nearly as bad as it seems, especially when you know how to cut corners to keep the people outside happy, but you’re happy with yourself. I’m a teacher by trade, a framer, artist, and personal custom clothing/costume designer by choice.
The way I dress outside of school is VERY different from the way I dress in school. But while I’m in school, I try to incorporate my style into my teaching. Basically, I teach United States History and World Geography, so I tend to take my style to the time periods I teach about. Basically, when its the 1800′s, I try to dress a very “Steampunk-esque” by wearing a corset like top (dress shirt underneath) with dress pants, victorian hat, and combat boots. For the 20′s I dress like a modern flapper, for the 60′s a neo hippie, and for the 70′s, I pull out my mother’s clothes >.> But if a parent complains, I have a reason for dressing this way, it is related to the learning education, and not only that, the kids relate to it very well and I have little behavioral problems. But you have to find corners to cut.
Now, if parents see me out of school, they don’t even recognize me, because I’m usually in skirts, with bright colored shirts, and I LIVE on lime crime eyeshadow, I actually fix my clothes to try and match Lime Crime >.> I guess it pays off to look like a teenager half the time :)
Such a wonderful post, Xenia. Its such a shame that everyone around the world seems to have to deal with losers who live in tiny boxes and expect everyone to live in it. Its one thing to notice a tall poppy, its another to cut it down & shmoosh it. Besides, I’d always feel that what someone else wears, prefers or does is really none of my business if they’re not hurting anyone.
I live in Singapore and have always thought that in this T-shirt, shorts & thongs country, it might be the only place thats contains the world’s most conforming people. Wear something other than the above-mentioned, you get stared, leered and jeered at. In a way, its kinda good to know its quite the same anywhere else.
I have a tendency to try and blend in, my other half on the other hand, encourages me to be myself – a cutesy, childish, high school girl. I try to wear clothes that channels that (old uniforms included!) and it does make me feel more like myself even though it encourages stares, sometimes lecherous ones & scoffs too.
I say live a little but to remind what the rest of the kind folk here said, bring a pepper spray, learn a bit of self-defense & stay out of notorious neighborhoods.
Don’t regret on your last day. :+)
I wear vintage clothes and I do my own thing with it. I like to be glamorous, elegant, classy, and noticeable. I feel that I have accomplished this and it feels good to be myself and to not care what people think. I know I look good, I am sure all of us look good regardless of what negative things people say.
I get a lot of positive attention from men but it is the women that are so negative. Men always say such beautifully kind things to me, it feels good. It is just women that are so intolerant of other women and I am sure many of us on here know how that is.
Women glare at me on a regular basis, women have even spit on me and have said some very nasty things. So, when it comes to people like this, I just consider the source. The opinion of a woman in a pink tracksuit and a ponytail really has no value to me.
I can’t imagine being assaulted for the way I look…I’ve been threatened, usually by small minded people who are just trying to cover their fear of something different, but to actually be attacked? That’s just horrible. Those of you who choose to be yourselves in smaller towns where “out of the norm” is shunned, are so brave. I’m lucky to live in California, where sub-cultures and “out of the norm” are seemingly rather revered.
I did go through a lot of verbal abuse in the christian high school I attended, however. Apparently I wore too much black (which is in the uniform code, no less), and loved to pair those little plaid skirts and polos with combat boots, bright makeup, and crazy accessories. Not just to ruffle some feathers, but because I loved wearing them. There was even a “football star” who dated me just as a joke as a result.
But to me, those experiences just enforced in me the will to stand out from others. Maybe a bit to prove I wasn’t like them, but mostly to prove to myself that I’d never NOT be me.
When I was younger people would always ask me if I was goth because I was going through a wearing nothing but black phase. I told then no because I don’t like to label myself. That was years ago but apparently my rep stuck because now at school people tend to ignore me. I’ve thankfully dropped the black by now, but I guess people are intimidated by me for some reason. Sometimes it makes me feel sad, but I get over it quickly.
I love this, great advice!
I’m seventeen and just graduated high school. I’m lucky enough to be moving to new york city next year [living in a dorm] to attend Parsons School of Design. For most of my life I’ve lived about two hours from nyc in a suburban town. It has a mixed group of people living here, but I’ve always dressed outside the norm. In junior high, I was beginning to experiment with my style and wore bright sneakers, skirts over jeans, ties, and gypsy scarves as belts, tons of madonna bracelets, tons of polka dots, and things like that. I got made fun of by my classmates as well as my parents and brothers. People in school would call me “goth” as an insult, even though it isn’t, and my look wasn’t goth. My look changes often and as the years went on it changed a lot. People actually began complimenting me on my style and a lot of people in school know me for the way I dress. I have dark brown wavy hair with pink streaks, I wear hats and crazy dresses. I pull it off with confidence, friendliness and a smile. I agree with maybe toning down a look for say, a wedding or graduation, because sometimes attention needs to be shared with other people. :] Besides, finding small ways to express oneself is fun! [I love the bright underwear and toenails thing!]
I think a lot of my confidence in recent years comes from reading blogs like yours, Doe. My experiences with looking different and being inspired by people who don’t simply follow watered-down trends inspired me to pursue a career as a fashion designer. I’m excited to move to a city where hopefully people will enjoy the way I look, and they will be open to it and it will make them happy. I’m also glad I was able to make girls here in my home town feel good about wearing what makes them happy, and not just what everyone else is wearing..
So, thanks to people like Doe who encourage people to be themselves, dare to be different, and accept everyone. :]
Sorry for the superlong post. :]
xx Nikkidee
I love this article and I’m going to link to it for others to see from my youtube video that I’ll be posting in a few days dealing with the same problem. I always get people griping about my clothes are too flashy, my hair is too long, my makeup is too bright and my eyebrows are too thick. I finally got up on my soap box and made a video addressing the fight for indivuality and when I post it I’ll definatly link to this article because I believe that individuality and the love and acceptance of ones self is one of the most important things in life worth fight for. Even when I try to fit in I stick out like a sore thumb no matter where I go or what I do. I learned long ago you cannot please everyone all of the time so dont worry about pleasing anyone but yourself because at the end of the day thats what matters most.
I had a somewhat different problem with my outrageous looks. I would get excess amounts of attention for it to the point where I was nervous to go out. For example, I was walking home from work one day and was confronted by a drunk man who told me he watched me walk home every day and he had written me several poems. They were all incredibly inappropriate and made me uncomfortable. I got unwanted and perverted attention constantly. I worked in an alternative store in the “hip” section of Atlanta, and people just thought that it allowed them to say whatever the hell they wanted. I even had people grabbing my dread extensions and yanking them trying to see if I was wearing a wig! It sucked :(
When i was under 18, the only way i felt i could express myself was through the way i looked. I used to shave my head into a mohawk, wear outrageous outfits and do crazy rainbow makeup. i never wanted to blend in with any group of people, even the groups who believed they looked different also.
well, this embarrassed my dad alot. it got to the point where i wasnt allowed to go out with him or the family in public unless i dressed normal. He even took me to a therapist! He always said it was a phase. and that i would grow out of it.
I went through middle school with people who looked down on me, i remember when my friends parents told them that they werent allowed to hang out with me because they thought i was a bad influence.
The only thing that really held me through it was knowing that i was going to prove everyone wrong. i was going to prove to my everyone that i wasnt a bad kid, that it wasnt a phase but who i was.
I am now an 18 year old girl, just graduated from highschool and will be going to college in a few months. I also have been modeling for 3 years now. and guess what!? i just as weird as ever! I still have a mohawk, i still dress weird and i even now have a sleeve of tattoos.
It means so much to me now days when i run into old friends and they just give me a look of awe. i blush when they tell me how cool it is that i never decided to be normal. some have even told me that they actually looked up to me. and it saddens me when some of them have told me that they always wanted to dress in weird ways but that they were too scared. they actually consider me brave for being myself.
All i really wanted to say that there will ALWAYS be ignorant people. They will say mean things and yes, it will get to you, and it will hurt. but dont let some idiot’s words make you who you are. Instead prove them wrong!
I’ve always been a little different, and my parents have stopped caring too much about my clothes.
I always meet people saying that the clothes I wear would look hideous on anyone else but on me, it actually looks good. My mum says it’s because I wear it like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
I live in a very small village, and there are less than 300 students in my high school, which kinda makes it hard to be different sometimes. I have never felt that I’ve been discriminated for my looks, might be cause I don’t see what I’ve done wrong. But I’m starting to get tired of the small town mentality. One of the reasons I just want to get out of here!
I think that personal style is very important in Sweden, at least I believe so. We want to be very independent in our looks and that’s a good thing, as long as it is you behind the style.
Love what you’re doing Xenia! rock on <3
I get laughed at for my opinions on psychology and popular culture. :(
I’m different, so what! Leave me alone! D:
Being different can be difficult! I live in a very “vanilla” suburban neighborhood where most people are content to wear t-shirts, jeans, and *cringe* pajama pants all the livelong day O_o… I have a rather unique style (think candy goth) and get many dirty looks when I go out, but I have learned to smile and try to ignore it… most people will smile and wave back!
this is a wonderful subject… i would not be known to lie and say that i am turning 25 in a couple of months when in actuality you would need to add 10 years to it, but in my mind… in my soul i will forever be 25 because that is who i am… i love clothes, fashion, makeup… BUT ~ because of all of this i have hardened myself over the years to the comments about acting my age and the other not so nice things that are said and done because i refuse to let unhappy people make me unhappy ~ as for originality in dressing ~ being in other countries in small towns doesn’t make it easy… dress accordingly to the world until you can go out without hate or prejudice being thrown at you and my advice is to dress up and dance around your house, in your home and take many, many pictures and plaster them all over! the hate cannot follow you into your heart… your soul is who you are… be who you are… be safe, but be who you are for always! wear bright blue and green and yellow and glitter… where your style in your heart and soul and when you smile while wearing your jeans and tennis shoes then think to yourself that they just dont know what happiness is and that is to be yourself… (or wear some sparkly underwear and socks so that they don’t see it but you have a piece of you anyway and can smile thinking of what they have under thier hoodies!) ~
This is a post close to my heart. I’m in Scotland too and the neds really make life hard. I used to dress alternatively (in fact I would say I still do it’s just toned down in my old age :)) I got taunts all the time and although I was never physically assulted it’s still a massive blow to your self confidence.
When I was in school I used to cheer myself up by telling myself those people who made fun of me would amount to nothing in life, they would drop out of school have kids at like 14 and get dead end jobs – and do you know what, most the time I was right! People take their frustration out on YOU because they’re not happy with their own lives. I think the majority of the time (esp with neds) they’re just looking for a fight, and if it wasn’t your clothes then it would be for any other reason (being fat, being ginger, being tall) some people are just arseholes. Don’t let them get to you.
I live in a small city in Ontario and people here are so plain. I love nothing more than dressing up in beautiful, frilly, lolita clothes. But, every time I do, people make comments. I’ve never been physically attacked, but I’ve been asked on more than one occasion how much I charge. (I always say more than they can afford and laugh as I walk away.)
But still, I found myself selling off my beautiful clothes and buying more toned down pieces, trying to fit in.
However, I’ve decided that I won’t let them get to me. I’ve begun buying lots of accessories and pretty shirts to wear with my civilian gear and the comments have been pretty positive. I’m hoping one day I’ll work up enough courage to start wearing my frills again, but for now this is good.
Thank you so much for this.
I don’t get too harassed for my style, but I do get the occasional insults. I’m going to take self defense lessons just in case I’m attacked, among other reasons.
The thing is, I don’t try to dress weird, and I think most people who wear different clothes are the same. We just wear what we love and what makes us feel happy. I mean, right now I’m wearing dark brown shorts, one red-and-white thigh high stocking attached to my shorts with a red ribbon, one lacy blue-and-white knee high stocking, a frilly pale pink shirt and a black vest with a ribbon. I think this is pretty normal, but when school starts again people won’t agree.
Fashion wise, I’ve never been really harassed as I wear classic pieces of sorts. I was teased a lot as a kid as I lived in a military family (I moved a lot) and I have a multitude of disorders, one with a serious stigma attached to it–Epilepsy. There’s still an old stigma that Epileptics are “Satanists,” “Possessed by Satan,” “broken,” and other such untrue statements which are still particularly believed by close-minded strict Catholics. It’s a serious, life-threatening neurological disorder with no known cure. It’s caused me a lot of problems, especially when I have two speech impediments, a learning disorder (Autism) AND Cerebral Palsy (neurological).
I was pretty much teased relentlessly until some girls stood up for me when I was 13 and told the dean. I learned I was worth something and I shouldn’t be bullied just because I’m different on the inside. I had the principal, V.P and the deans behind me and they stopped all the harassing, teasing and bullying. I still have low self-esteem and I constantly belittle myself, but I’m learning to be more confident and to speak up for myself. I’m shy naturally, but I’m trying to change and it’s working but it’s slow.
Try telling an authority about it, especially in Lauren’s case. A teacher should never bully or harass you. Teachers here in the states actually get fired for bullying, especially if it’s in a public forum like Lauren’s. I don’t know the laws in Scotland, so check your school. No one should be bullied by an authority. That’s not right.