…to be or not to be you, that is.

I’m 14, but I have quite an individual style inspired by you, Vivienne Westwood collections & other styles. I live in an area in Scotland where everyone my age just wears baggy jeans and “hoodies”. Yesterday, I decided to go out wearing clothes I just bought that I really loved, but a soon as I stepped out the door everyone was shouting comments at me, telling me to buy some “decent clothes” and to stop thinking I’m “it”. It got to the point that my mum started shouting at me, asking why I couldn’t just be “normal”! Is there any good ways to deal with stuff like this? It was very embarrassing due to the fact everyone stopped and just looked at me when people were shouting comments.

Thanks,
Anna

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Deer Doe, last night was my graduation dance, marking the end of six years of high school (I live in Scotland), and during the dance they host an “alternative” awards ceremony. About 200 people attended. I received the first award, for “Best Dressed Female” – a nice thing, you may guess, but it was meant sarcastically. I could’ve brushed that aside, had the teacher presenting the award – a bullying gym teacher – not then continued on to say “Instead of going to normal shops, she finds her clothes in bins and off the streets” among other, more hurtful things. There was a lot of laughter (though none from my friends), and I ended up crying when I got back to my table. It completely ruined the night for me; my boyfriend and I left early, but I at least had the support of my subject teachers, one of whom is a goth who drives a motorbike. :P I don’t cope well with crowds and I’m generally a very private person, but my clothing is my method of self expression. I don’t think my style is very ‘out-there’, but apparently the person who nominated me has a problem with my purple jacket, or sequined converse!

How do you manage to be so individual yet not allow these kinds of people to offend you or hold you back?

Lauren

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Deer Doe – My boyfriend and I were walking home from a party the other night when we were attacked. The attackers yelled things about both of our clothing, and when we failed to react, they jumped my boyfriend. I don’t think that either of us were dressed to any odd extremes, but for the area I live in, big poofy dresses like I love to wear, and my boyfriends bright and colorful suits don’t go over well. We’re strong enough to handle insults, and even petty threats… but watching my loved one get attacked for how we were both dressed was terrifying and since then, I’ve been afraid to wear anything but the basic jeans and a sweater outfit that everyone else seems to wear. As a result, I haven’t been getting any odd looks, but I haven’t been feeling like me either.

What would you do in this situation? Continue to dress how you feel most comfortable, or conform for the sake of safety?

Sara


Photo: Stuntkid

Even though I’ve addressed the subject of individuality vs social response before, I still get letters about it often.  How can I be myself when everybody tries to cut me down to size? How do I dare be me when all I get is ridicule?

If you like to think differently, dress differently or live differently, chances are you’ve experienced a negative reaction from others. Some people feel intimidated by those who don’t look like them because it indicates you may not conform in other ways. Does it give them the right to belittle you? No. What Lauren’s teacher did was low, pathetic and insensitive. If I were there, I’d probably grab the mic and make a case for me – I bet there were others oppressed by that teacher, too. Unfortunately, sticking up for yourself is not always an option – especially when brute force is introduced such as in Sara’s case. So how do you stay safe without compromising your identity?

  • Move
    Relocating to a more tolerant area is the best and most obvious solution. Remember, living in a place where you’re not accepted will only lead to depression and misery. If moving is not in the cards right now, work towards it – just knowing you’re on track will keep you significantly happier!
  • Dress appropriately
    I know, I know, we all hate the word “appropriate” but it does make sense. I used to insist on dressing up every day, regardless of where I went and who I was with. This resulted in a lot of strange looks, one physical assault and an array of awkward situations (including Mark and my mom being confused for my parents when I was dressed Lolita – true story!). I’ve since decided that if I’m going to venture out in my Sunday best, it’d better be for an appreciative crowd. People involved in the arts are usually pretty cool; concerts, parties and art events are all great placed to exhibit your individuality. Don’t have a developed art community where you live? Create one! The best place to meet like-minded people – surprise! – is on the internet. :)So what do you wear the rest of the time? Procure some ‘civilian clothes’ similar in style to your preferred look – be sure they’re in all your favorite colors!
  • Travel in groups
    Bring a friend – or better yet, a group of friends. It’s more fun that way plus you’re a lot less likely to become a victim of the narrow-minded. If you must walk somewhere on your own and are worried you might be attacked, bring a change of clothes.
  • Adopt a public persona
    I recommend this as a last resort as pretending for the rest of your life – even if only part-time – is never a healthy idea. I’ve known bankers, lawyers & ophthalmologists who turn into goths, bikers and Victorians after work. When I used to work at an office, I would wear colorful underwear and funky toe nail polish to remind me that I’m still me. :)
  • Smile
    Wherever you go.  People are less intimidated by those who allow themselves to crack a smile every once in a while – so try it! :)


Img: Comme des Garçons

I was told many times that what I was doing was foolish, that I’d eventually ‘grow out of it’ and conform. I swore off skirts in high school – we didn’t officially have a uniform if it weren’t for one dogmatic teacher who insisted on the no-pants-for-girls rule – which got me sent home several times. I kept coming in in pants. I refused to wear skirts not for what they were, but for what they represented: a uniform for the female gender. Today, I clearly don’t have a problem with dresses & skirts because there is no pressure to wear them, besides they are so much more flamboyant than pants! My dress style may have changed, but the reasoning behind it didn’t.

When you make the decision to be you, you’re making an important choice. It’s a determination to follow your path in spite of the resistance you meet along the way. The world will try to force you back into the box, but don’t let them brow-beat you. Ultimately, those who break the rules of today make the rules of tomorrow.

Deerlings: tell me about what makes you, you. Do you ever face discrimination for being different?

Got a question for Doe? Submit to doedeere @ gmail. com