…to be or not to be you, that is.
I’m 14, but I have quite an individual style inspired by you, Vivienne Westwood collections & other styles. I live in an area in Scotland where everyone my age just wears baggy jeans and “hoodies”. Yesterday, I decided to go out wearing clothes I just bought that I really loved, but a soon as I stepped out the door everyone was shouting comments at me, telling me to buy some “decent clothes” and to stop thinking I’m “it”. It got to the point that my mum started shouting at me, asking why I couldn’t just be “normal”! Is there any good ways to deal with stuff like this? It was very embarrassing due to the fact everyone stopped and just looked at me when people were shouting comments.
Thanks,
Anna
&
Deer Doe, last night was my graduation dance, marking the end of six years of high school (I live in Scotland), and during the dance they host an “alternative” awards ceremony. About 200 people attended. I received the first award, for “Best Dressed Female” – a nice thing, you may guess, but it was meant sarcastically. I could’ve brushed that aside, had the teacher presenting the award – a bullying gym teacher – not then continued on to say “Instead of going to normal shops, she finds her clothes in bins and off the streets” among other, more hurtful things. There was a lot of laughter (though none from my friends), and I ended up crying when I got back to my table. It completely ruined the night for me; my boyfriend and I left early, but I at least had the support of my subject teachers, one of whom is a goth who drives a motorbike. :P I don’t cope well with crowds and I’m generally a very private person, but my clothing is my method of self expression. I don’t think my style is very ‘out-there’, but apparently the person who nominated me has a problem with my purple jacket, or sequined converse!
How do you manage to be so individual yet not allow these kinds of people to offend you or hold you back?
Lauren
&
Deer Doe – My boyfriend and I were walking home from a party the other night when we were attacked. The attackers yelled things about both of our clothing, and when we failed to react, they jumped my boyfriend. I don’t think that either of us were dressed to any odd extremes, but for the area I live in, big poofy dresses like I love to wear, and my boyfriends bright and colorful suits don’t go over well. We’re strong enough to handle insults, and even petty threats… but watching my loved one get attacked for how we were both dressed was terrifying and since then, I’ve been afraid to wear anything but the basic jeans and a sweater outfit that everyone else seems to wear. As a result, I haven’t been getting any odd looks, but I haven’t been feeling like me either.
What would you do in this situation? Continue to dress how you feel most comfortable, or conform for the sake of safety?
Sara
Photo: Stuntkid
Even though I’ve addressed the subject of individuality vs social response before, I still get letters about it often. How can I be myself when everybody tries to cut me down to size? How do I dare be me when all I get is ridicule?
If you like to think differently, dress differently or live differently, chances are you’ve experienced a negative reaction from others. Some people feel intimidated by those who don’t look like them because it indicates you may not conform in other ways. Does it give them the right to belittle you? No. What Lauren’s teacher did was low, pathetic and insensitive. If I were there, I’d probably grab the mic and make a case for me – I bet there were others oppressed by that teacher, too. Unfortunately, sticking up for yourself is not always an option – especially when brute force is introduced such as in Sara’s case. So how do you stay safe without compromising your identity?
- Move
Relocating to a more tolerant area is the best and most obvious solution. Remember, living in a place where you’re not accepted will only lead to depression and misery. If moving is not in the cards right now, work towards it – just knowing you’re on track will keep you significantly happier!
- Dress appropriately
I know, I know, we all hate the word “appropriate” but it does make sense. I used to insist on dressing up every day, regardless of where I went and who I was with. This resulted in a lot of strange looks, one physical assault and an array of awkward situations (including Mark and my mom being confused for my parents when I was dressed Lolita – true story!). I’ve since decided that if I’m going to venture out in my Sunday best, it’d better be for an appreciative crowd. People involved in the arts are usually pretty cool; concerts, parties and art events are all great placed to exhibit your individuality. Don’t have a developed art community where you live? Create one! The best place to meet like-minded people – surprise! – is on the internet. :)So what do you wear the rest of the time? Procure some ‘civilian clothes’ similar in style to your preferred look – be sure they’re in all your favorite colors!
- Travel in groups
Bring a friend – or better yet, a group of friends. It’s more fun that way plus you’re a lot less likely to become a victim of the narrow-minded. If you must walk somewhere on your own and are worried you might be attacked, bring a change of clothes.
- Adopt a public persona
I recommend this as a last resort as pretending for the rest of your life – even if only part-time – is never a healthy idea. I’ve known bankers, lawyers & ophthalmologists who turn into goths, bikers and Victorians after work. When I used to work at an office, I would wear colorful underwear and funky toe nail polish to remind me that I’m still me. :)
- Smile
Wherever you go. People are less intimidated by those who allow themselves to crack a smile every once in a while – so try it! :)
Img: Comme des Garçons
I was told many times that what I was doing was foolish, that I’d eventually ‘grow out of it’ and conform. I swore off skirts in high school – we didn’t officially have a uniform if it weren’t for one dogmatic teacher who insisted on the no-pants-for-girls rule – which got me sent home several times. I kept coming in in pants. I refused to wear skirts not for what they were, but for what they represented: a uniform for the female gender. Today, I clearly don’t have a problem with dresses & skirts because there is no pressure to wear them, besides they are so much more flamboyant than pants! My dress style may have changed, but the reasoning behind it didn’t.
When you make the decision to be you, you’re making an important choice. It’s a determination to follow your path in spite of the resistance you meet along the way. The world will try to force you back into the box, but don’t let them brow-beat you. Ultimately, those who break the rules of today make the rules of tomorrow.
Deerlings: tell me about what makes you, you. Do you ever face discrimination for being different?
Though I don’t have a situation like Anna or Sara, I have faced ridicule for the way I dress.
I dress very bohemian/hippie-like. Harem pants, full flowy skirts, dashikis, scarves, tams, etc.
My parents, fiance, and friends, thank goodness, are very accepting. Others are not.
The usual outfit for girls at my college is Tiffany jewelry, some form of sweatpants or tracksuit bottoms [90% of the time from Victoria's Secret], some kind of designer label top or hoodie, and Uggs.
That isn’t me at all.
One time, I was wearing a full flowing skirt, dashiki and tam combination, and someone told me that I should head back to Woodstock. Another once told me to go smoke some pot with my other druggie friends.
I usually ignore it, or come back with something smart, like in the Woodstock comment situation I said: “I’d like to!” just to freak them out.
Those were the only two comments I got. I usually just get stares and sniggers.
Despite all the comments, I still dress as though I am headed to Woodstock, and I love it!
In regards to Anna and Sara’s situations, though, that is just hurtful and wrong, on so many levels.
Unfortunately, some people claim to be adults, but in reality are still childish, spoiled brats on the inside.
After having lived in the most dangerous city in the USA for a year (Memphis, where I attend college), you learn to walk the line between staying true to yourself and staying safe.
I have always been inspired by Japanese fashions, especially oshare-kei, street punk, and visual-kei, so I always stand out in crowds as is. Having a mohawk doesn’t help, either. But I recall getting jumped by a few guys while I was walking with my then-girlfriend on a date, just because we were holding hands and looked strange. We both got away okay, as we’re fighters just as much as we were lovers.
Since then, I haven’t changed a thing about the way I look or the way I choose to express myself…the key is DISCRETION. Swallowing your pride and wearing something toned-down when you go to an area that’s known to be dangerous isn’t that hard to do. The only person you have to apologize to is yourself, after all.
I got an award at my grade 8 graduation for “Arguing with a teacher and getting an award, award” – though I had never argued with the particular teacher, but I had believed that their opinion on a matter was invalid and that mine should be stated as well.
When I was younger, and adopted a more punk style I was often ignored in stores while I was shopping, or followed as if I were to steal something and asked by teachers to change my clothing at school (suddenly skulls were no longer allowed according to the dress code). Eventually my style changed, and these things stopped occuring, but it still bothers me none-the-less when people with more ecclectic tastes are looked down upon for being unique. Everyone is always saying ‘Be true to yourself’ but then we get looked down upon when we’re different – the hypocracy of society is often discouraging, but it is always important to keep one’s chin up.
It’s too bad that we have to be judged just for our appearance. At my school we were 5 people dressing differently, now it’s just me left. They all couldn’t stand being called “Emo” all the time so they all changed and looks like everybody else. It’s a shame. In a school full with fashion-nerds and normal-looking people there’s that one girl that walks around in pink frilly dresses. It’s so much harder being by yourself. I really hate living in such a small town. And hey Lola, I also live in sweden!
I wish I had time right now to read all of the other comments, I’ll probably come back and do so later…but jeez those letters just break my heart! I don’t understand how anyone could be so hateful!
Your first piece of advice is right on, Xenia – I grew up in a VERY small town and recently moved to a suburb of Austin, TX. I am SO much happier here! I have funky hair (it’s always short, sometimes “boy-short”, I’ve had a mohawk in the past, and it’s been a rainbow of colors) and people would be so ridiculously rude to me about it in Joplin. I’d get harassed in stores, questions about why I’d do that to myself, etc. etc. I even once had an old man tell me that he’d beat his daughter with a belt if she came home with hair like mine! Here, it’s a totally different mindset, I haven’t had one snide comment or rude staring in the month since we moved. I love it! It makes it so much easier to not worry about being assaulted, verbally or physically!
And you girls in the first two letters: Chin up! It gets better after high school, I promise!
some of these stories are so sad D: i live in hick-town canada, and everyone is the same. but i dont stand for that :P i wear what i want, no matter how insane, and because i carry it with such a self-confident attitude, people admire me more than discourage. i have been laughed at though, as well as listened to whispers of “what is she wearing” and turned around to people making faces of disgust at my outfit. but i take it as a compliment :P
As a child I was physically abused and left to my own development.
I am different than others (as people constantly remind me. When I was in school, I was given a rough time, taunted and bullied. But I knew that I didn’t want to be a victim all my life. So I educated myself, and I developed a sharp tongue. And when the school bully punched me in the eye. I kicked him in the groin.
It might not work when others have weapons. But confidence and smarts can get you out of a lot of trouble. And eventually those who have been hurtful are gone, and they are replaced with people who are loving and good!
- jess
All these stories are giving me the shakes.
I live in Dublin. I was more Gothicly – inclined as a teen, and had been attacked and threatened to the point where I reformed my style into something less “intimidating” just for the sake of peace.
Since turning full-time Lolita, I find people are kinder (and curiouser…)
I’ve been asked to pose for photos in the shop where I work, and complemented by absolute strangers. It’s uncomfortable, but flattering.
I still get asked “Who exactly are you supposed to BE?”, but the hostility has lessened.
So my advice is as follows:
-Learn Some Sort Of Self-Defence.
-Get Home Before Nightfall If You Walk Alone.
-Be Disarmingly Polite.
-Carry Yourself With Modest Confidence. (Look strong and determined, without seeking attention.)
-Wear Whatever You Want Every Day. (Some people have a low eccentricity threshold. SCREW ‘EM!)
Be Brave, Be Fierce!
Thank you for recommending to move. It’s the first thing I would have done. There’s a whole world out there and a world who will accept you for who you are. I lived the teased punk kid in high school life in Wisconsin, moved away to New Orleans and now almost 13 years later, I never once regretted that move. I get to look exactly how I want every day, I never have to compromise- even at work! And while my looks have mellowed over time, being somewhere that people accept or just don’t care about how you look has really made an impact on ALL areas of my life. Instead of being 30 in a suburb with kids and a dog, I’m 30 and still an artist and designer who works at a rock club on the side to pay her mortgage on her vintage inspired house. It never was “just a phase” for me, so thanks for letting others know it doesn’t have to be “just a phase” for them either.
I tend to dress up a lot, in dresses and such, and I often get dirty looks or rude remarks.
I have this book bag that’s shaped like a bear, and It has many different compartments and such… well when I was taking the SAT, someone put gum all over my bag… I picked up my bag later and got gum all over my hand and I looked up to a bunch of snickering idiots.
I really don’t have many incidents, I just have lots of people ignoring me for the way I look, but usually when I smile at people they open up.
Oh gosh, all three of those letters tug my heart.
Try to remember:
1) there is always someone looking for a fight or a victim. You wouldn’t necessarily avoid the hassle if you dressed normally, and even if you would.. someone else would be getting it. I know it hurts, I do, but try and remember that somehow you’re saving someone else a little bit of pain?
2) They are less vocal and of course less scary, but there ARE people who you are inspiring. There are people who see you and feel happier. That’s worth it.
As with all the comments before this one, I can absolutely relate to this. I was mortified when I read that last letter about being jumped. My heart goes out to all of you.
In middle school and high school, I was always different. And of course, that was a “bad thing” in the eyes of everyone, including some people that I had called my close friends since I was 8 or 9. When I started wearing neon fishnets and a lot of black, my “friends” began to show their true feelings. Even with such discouragement, I knew that I would never be happy settling for being “normal”. It was a low time for me, where I often turned to books (and the LimeCrime forums!) to keep me going. Eventually, I met a group of girls who were as into fashion, makeup and art as I was. Now, a few years later, I can proudly say that not only do I know who I am (minus some of the black, plus a little more fashionista :-P), I do much better than anyone told me I would and without compromising or conforming!
Having a place like the Doe Deere Blogazine is so important and your advice, Xenia, is always spot on. Thank you for providing a place for individuals to be themselves and be inspired!
Great post: poignant, even painful questions and a sage response.
What a terrible indictment of society that there’s such pervasive intolerance. Being different (crossing the gender-divide), I too have experienced this and learned hard lessons. Not only does this suck but, when we are forced to censor ourselves, it dampens the wonderful spark of our creativity.
I adore dressing up in costume pieces and generally very out there types of clothing. So much so that people tend to gape at me whereever I go wearing these pieces in public. I have sclera contacts and bright blue contacts that I wear out sometimes because it feels good to wear different contacts then the ones you wear everyday. It feels good on the eyes and it makes you feel special. Most people don’t agree with this and some find it fascinating and will remember you for it. When I have to wear regular clothing for work and for school I usually put my own twist to it to make it me, like choosing accessories that people wouldn’t normally think of putting with those clothes. Like funky pantyhose under a baggy pair of shorts. And if nothing is going my way I try to express myself with my make up. There’s always something you can wear that makes you comfortable and you. Even if it’s doing your nails a vibrant colour and sticking little rhinestones on them. Or going all out when the occasion calls for it and having to pick up booze for a party at 11 at night in a crimson victorian gown.
Be yourself, because conformity never looks good on anyone.
I know for myself that I couldn’t get a date in highschool and not many people understand me and not many people understand me even now. With my choices and my ideas, and views, and styles. But the only thing that has kept people from being particularly nasty is that I’m intimadating in a strange way. I always have a smile but just recently I was told that I give off an air that makes me unapproachable by some people. Something I couldn’t understand for the life of me. I adore dressing up in costume pieces and generally very out there types of clothing. So much so that people tend to gape at me whereever I go wearing these pieces in public. I have sclera contacts and bright blue contacts that I wear out sometimes because it feels good to wear different contacts then the ones you wear everyday. It feels good on the eyes and it makes you feel special. Most people don’t agree with this and some find it fascinating and will remember you for it. When I have to wear regular clothing for work and for school I usually put my own twist to it to make it me, like choosing accessories that people wouldn’t normally think of putting with those clothes. Like funky pantyhose under a baggy pair of shorts. And if nothing is going my way I try to express myself with my make up. There’s always something you can wear that makes you comfortable and you. Even if it’s doing your nails a vibrant colour and sticking little rhinestones on them. Or going all out when the occasion calls for it and having to pick up booze for a party at 11 at night in a crimson victorian gown.
Be yourself, because conformity never looks good on anyone.
I used to dress dull until one day I realized I wasn’t happy and began to make me own clothing. With eccentric designs and bright colors people were starting to notice me. I would constantly hear snickers from people making fun of me or mean comments from behind me, or even some people would yell thing or say hurtful things to my face. But at the same time I would have people coming up to me admiring my outfits or people praising the creativity.
So I learned that no matter what, when someone does something out of the norm people are going to either love or hate it.
So I decided to just laugh off and ignore those who try to bring me down and embrace the positive comments that make it all worth it. I am a lot stronger and happier now than I used to be. (=
I live in a small, conservative town. I dress in bright colors, I’ve dyed my hair unnatural colors, and I’ve walked around town wearing cat ears before.
Everywhere I go I get looks varying from disgust, curiosity, and fear. My co-workers make fun of me; for example, one of them has called me the Joker from Batman.
It gets old. But I don’t want to change who I am just to make others happy. I like the way I dress, and that’s all that matters.
Thank you for posting this, Miss Deere.
I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic and outlandish, which has especially been prevalent in my personal style as it has evolved throughout my adolescence. I’ve made quite a stylistic journey in my teenage years, spanning over everything between trench coats and combat boots to faerie wings and tutus, having been ridiculed for it all along the way. But it was only when I adopted the extravagantly fanciful style of the Lolita that I really began to feel the weight of the constant criticism. Before, I garnered rude comments, but never to the extent that I had to endure for wearing frilly petticoats. This day I have no idea what it was about Lolita that people seemed to want to harass me for so much more than any other phase or stylistic period that I’ve gone through. But after a while, it became too much to handle, and I caved. I started to conform, at least on the outside, which was probably the worst choice I’ve ever made. For much of the latter part of high school, I felt like I was betraying my true self. I vowed that, even if I never returned to the Lolita style of dress, that once I got out of high school, I would dress, act, and live the way I wanted to, no matter what.
I start college in the fall, and I’m holding true to that promise. It feels amazing to be myself, my whole, real self again.
Ive noticed that quite a lot of people commenting are mentioning that they are ‘bigger’. I live in a very small town in Australia and there is a severe lack (RE: NONE!!) of unusual, eclectic, plus sized clothes here. Id love to live in a big city and be able to dress how i want, but its just not an option at the moment, and it makes me so angry.
I really do feel both sorry for the amazing people who have put their style out there and have been hurt for it. Although, i must say…i have so much respect and admiration for you!!
Okay, back to my original question to all of you…are there any websites (australian, or that ship internationally) that have the amazing clothes and accesories i am desperately looking for?
XXX
It amazes me how closed minded some people can be. I wore a bright yellow polo shirt to uni with jeans and people kept making smart ass comments about me being “very yellow” and other stupid things. For a yellow shirt. I luckily go to a uni that alot of foreign students attend so I usually only get slack from the bogans or strangly enough the christians..
wow those stories are really heart breaking :( !
Wow those where heart breaking letters. I hate to think that these people go threw this.
Like my mother always tells me.
“With individual expression, you break generations”
that always makes me smile :D
Heyy!
I love the color underwear thing :D Haha my mother is always saying ‘ why do you spend time picking out underwear?! no one sees it!’ the reply is always ‘I do! :)’ hahaah underwear can be so pretty and fun :D
I grew up in a fairly liberal neighbourhood – nobody dressed “alternatively” but nobody cared if you did, either. The only people who have ever said anything about my appearance were kids, around middle-school aged. And it never really bothered me because they’d say the silliest things that had no relevance to me or my life. My clothes don’t define who I am at all – I wear them, they don’t wear me. Maybe it’s just me though – I am easily amused and enjoy dressing in all different sorts of ways that contrast with aspects of my personality (I love girlying it up to go play video games with my guy friends, for example). So I know that any comments I get are based solely on my appearance, and since I am so much more than that (or so I’d like to think, anyway :P), they never really have much effect. The same goes for compliments too, though. When people say nice things about my appearance, I feel like they’re also saying that it’s the only thing they notice/like about me.
I’ve never been seriously threatened or teased though, and it kills me to see how cruel people can be. ugh.
My personal style is pretty varied.
I put it this way. I’m a steampunker mixed with an old school goth to make some strange hybrid creature. But, I work a normal retail job. I don’t get to have fun hair like most scene people. They give me a hard time because I’m “not that goth looking” and mainstream people give me even nastier opinions.
The worst was a time someone threw a coffee at me in a mall. I wasn’t even looking their way. And this was in Tampa, FL a town with a pretty prominent goth crowd… I didn’t wear my boots or corsets in public for months afterward.
Growing up, I loved to experiment with style. Luckily my mom was supportive. I was teased a little in school, and relentlessly by little sister, but for the most part accepted. I was the first in my high school to wear vinyl pants (don’t laugh, it was the 90′s), knee high boots, sequined skirts, and little boy’s (think vintage Karate Kid) t-shirts. But, when I moved to my dad’s house in a very small town in NM, not only did I become a minority, but I was a skinny, white girl in fishnets and a polyester mini-skirt. You can imagine what it feels like, so I’ll spare you the sad details. For school, I started wearing jeans with fun t’s, and have learned that there is a time and a place for everything. Over the years, my style has become more developed, and I am fortunate enough to work in a creative atmosphere. I still like to experiment with my appearance, but have learned to look polished, and know how to add something special to a “normal” outfit, hairstyle, etc.
I think it helped me to set style goals, and take inspiration from everything. Cultivating personal style is very important to a creative mind. Now as a mother with very creative children, when I see them dressed “a little too out there” for dinner with the grandparents, school, or other ordinary events, I will simply ask them to edit their outfit before we leave the house. It gives them an opportunity to make a few changes with out them feeling stifled or put down. We get so many compliments on having such well dressed kids, and they get the satisfaction of having made the decisions on their own.
It was upsetting to here such stories. People should have the right to dress the way they feel and not the way society tells them.
I dress very inspired by the 40′s and 50′s. My style icon is Joan Leslie and Marilyn Monroe. However, I will switch it up with something modern and edgy. The shoes I wear are very high, nothing under five inch, and resemble a stripper’s shoes. haha.
I usually get compliments for the way I dress. However there are always going to be those who say something nasty. Because I like my skirts above the knee, and my heels sky high, I sometimes will be called a ‘slut’ or mostly be looked at as if I were one. I just hold my head high when I hear such things because I know I am not a slut.
I refuse to conform to the way society tells me to dress. I am not going to step out of the house in trackpants and an oversized shirt…I’m just not.
I respect people such as Lady Gaga (no pants), Christina Aguilera (chaps) and such who are unafraid to wear what they want. Although I wouldn’t walk out of the house in a bikini top and leather chaps I will say all the more power to them. People should dress the way they feel defines who they are. I was fortunate enough to be brought up my a mother, who is an artist, who always insisted that I embrace my creativity and be myself at all times.
All I can say is that if people don’t like you for the way you dress those people are not worth your time.
Excellent post by the way Doe.
This is an amazing post and I want to say that I fully support anyone creative and brave enough to do something different.
I’m so glad to see that many people are strong enough to be who they really are, and not hide behind a safety net of “normal” clothing, but it hurts me to see that so many people still get harassed.
Personally, I don’t even have to be dressed weird to get odd looks. I don’t know if you get this Doe, but I’m a redhead with very pink skin and a VERY uneven skin tone on my arms. It will be the dead of winter and I’ll go somewhere in short sleeves and people will ask me if I’m sunburnt. When I cry or get angry or upset, my face just gets redder. It’s humiliating to live in a society that believes they have crossed racial boundaries, but they haven’t stopped judging people by the color of their skin, even if they’re the same race?
Because of this, I have pride in who I am and what I wear and I want to say thank you Xenia for being so helpful and supportive and giving great ideas and alternatives.
I went through an extremely depressing phase from about age 12-15 when my family lived in a small town where the ‘it girls’ would regularly beat up other girls who dresses either strangely or better than they did. If they wore PJs to a party, anyone in heels was a target for verbal and sometimes physical abuse. Needless to say, my 3 years in nothing but jeans and shirts…well, it sucked, to say the least.
I live in a big city now, and I’ve started to branch out in my fashion tastes. I haven’t worn anything *that* outrageous, but I’m working on a look *squee* that I love.
Ivy, your “candy goth” comment just made my day!
I do often get rude comments on my style, since i’m goth. but time showed me that not caring about all that and keeping your back straight and your head up makes you not a person wearing rdiculous clothes for others, but a person being unique, proud and wonderful. At work I have to wear “normal” clothes. I have a whole section in my closet full of normal stuff. I feel uncomfortable in it, but I have to wear it, since I love my work, but the people in this business don’t love “me”.
But when I come home or meet with my friends, I unpack my beautycase, dress up and go out. People got used to it over the years in this small town where I live. They dont say anything about my style any more.
And I want to move to a big city soon. Ive been there already for a time, there I always dressed up when leaving the house and it was so great. People still looked at me, but it was more fun for me than offense. The anonymity of a big city can be so awesome when you want to be yourself. And there is always somebody, who’s “worse” than you, hahaha.
My parents stopped saying anything about my style after maybe 6 years i’m wearing stranges clothes now. I guess they still don’t like it, but they accept it. They noticed at one point that I’m still their daughter on the inside and that being happy is for me living my style. And all they want is, that their kids are happy.
I was born in london but my family moved when I was 8 to a veru rural area in Ireland. My family are in no way hippys but my parents always had a very liberal approach to makeup and hair and my mother used to use semi permanent vegetable died on my hair to make pink or green streaks! I used to wear glittery nailvarnish and play with makeup after school. However the kids at my new school didnt like this and used to bully me for wearing nail polish (!!!) and one girl who i thought was a friend told me one day her mother said she couldnt play with me anymore because I was a TART! Who in their right mind calls a 9 year old girl a tart becuase shes allowed to wear nail varnish?? The girl went on to say her mother claimed my parents didnt care about me because they let me do these things. For the next 11 years I lived ther I put up with people saying crap about me because of my makeup/clothes/unusual haircolours. As soon as I turned 18 I moved to Barcelona and have been working here as a makeup artist, stylist, fashion blogger, my opinions are respected and admired! For the first time, when I get dressed in the morning how people will react isnt a decding factor! I have bright pink hair, 6 inch heels, anything I could dream of and people dont even look twice. My advice to these girls is one day you will find a place where people are like you and no one notices if ur dressed “normaly” or not! Trust me! :-) xxxx
wow. it’s amazing how so many people relate to this. we ahould all run off and create our own elitist creative people country.
Yeah i have similiar stories, though my main reason for bullying was a few extra kilos and boobs. gah how it created body hangups.
thanks for sharing your experience with us, doe.
and everyone else.
I find so odd that people get bullied over how they dress. I get comments over tattos or my hair-{Platinum and indigo blue} but never my clothes. I live in southern california, and ive noticed sadly, alot of has to do background. Older hispanic ladies will say things like “youre a daughter of god, you shouldnt get any more tattos!” while citing a bible verse that applies to things you shouldnt do youre body when youre Greiving! I may not look like i read the bible, but i have and i know the context of it. The biggest problem i have is that men seem to think that tattooes are in invite to touch you, and since this happens at work its difficult to say anything. I hate when people grab youre arm to look at you without asking.
I think the public persona advice is very good, and pretty much essential. We all have to conform to a certain extent, at certain times, depending on our jobs and so on, and sadly this extends to appearance too. I say this as someone who loves bright colours and elaborate make-up, but who wants to be a business lawyer.
My wardrobe contains everything from suits to PVC bodices. What I wear depends on where I’m going, and with whom. There’s a particular nightclub where I go when I want to goth out, and I use events such as hockey tournaments etc. to dress up madly in team colours. At last season’s Playoffs I was wearing a can-can skirt with a red feather boa, wings and all sorts. Sure, I looked out of place, but people only said good things. I would never walk down the street like that, though!
I think you can still be an individual without compromising your chances in life, and your safety is definitely important. I agree that it’s a sad world when people can’t dress the way they want to without being harassed, but don’t cut off your nose to spite your face – in other words, don’t put yourself in danger when you could just throw a coat on, or wear something more ‘normal’ if you know you’re going to be walking in bad areas, etc.
Sometimes attracting attention isn’t a good thing. Save your eye-catching stuff for when the eyes you’re gonna catch will be appreciative, as Doe said :)
x
Oh Rosa! ^^ I’m from Barcelona too!!!!
xoxo
Yay! Barcelona chapter of the doe deere fan clue! :-) xx
I can relate to these stories all too well.
I definitely believe you can be yourself without jeopardizing your safety or your sanity.
Unfortunately for me, my life was a bit different. No matter what I did I could never remove myself from speculation or someone all too eagerly awaiting to berate my quality of life. I can remember horror stories of being cruelly treated by others as far back as preschool. However, I never let what anyone did to me stop me from expressing myself or being honest about it.
I believe I mostly got picked on in grade school for, oddly enough, being quite astute. Although, in high school I was kicked repeatedly in the spine for taking a nap on my friend’s shoulder because some boy thought I was gay. I’m not sure what it was about me that compelled other people to continually ostracize me. To this day, I still cannot fully understand how anyone could feel so compelled to go out of their way and make others they don’t agree with miserable for such insignificant reasons. Maybe, it’s instinctual; similar to how a lion preys on gazelle and such.
To this day, my articulacy and honesty continue to intimidate people and get me in trouble; as does my facial tattoo and various other piercings, etc.. I guess you could say my personality and my looks combined are like a giant oxymoron. To the ignorant mind (by that I meant former employer), it is impossible for them to cohabitate.
My former workplace used to hold such trivial matters against me regardless of the fact that I followed the rules while at work. (You should always respect the fact that there is a time and place for everything.)
In any case, I was fired two weeks ago (after 2.5 years) for my employers prejudice against my personal body modifications. They used to write me up and give me private meetings just to bully me and tell me how ‘stupid, offensive, and ugly’ my piercings are. I never even wore them to work! So, I guess my answer to your question is yes. I guess I learned my lesson and next time won’t be so open and honest. Sorry, for all the babbling! I’m bored : )
Ugh, ignorance is everywhere, even in a so-called haven like my town, Portland.
Just the other day some moron took it upon himself to shout “MARILYN MANSON SUCKS, YOU DUMB BITCH!” out his window as he drove by me.
I was wearing a very trim and lovely black pencil skirt, opaque black leggings, and a longsleeved keyhole top. My hair is purple and black, and I was sporting my fave LC Vixen colored shadow.
Honestly, people who think that all goths listen to MM don’t know much about the scene at all!
I’ve never been physically abused for how I look or dress, but I guess I’m pretty lucky because I live in a diverse and pretty accepting area (MD suburbs by Wash. DC). Or maybe it’s just the way I carry myself? I really don’t know, but for me dressing differently has not given me any stress. If anything it’s given me confidence.
When I was in elementary school I was emotionally abused, but that was before I really started to dress my own way and be unique. In the past few years since I’ve started to really dress as I feel, all I’ve really gotten were compliments. If I got any negative feedback other than odd looks and stares, I must not have noticed it.
I guess it must really depend on where you live and how intimidating you may seem? I have no idea.
I’m lucky.
I live in a lovely hippie town.
I have a sense of occasion, and fortunately, plenty of fabulous occasions.
My friends are as ridiculous as I am (especially when Of Montreal comes to town, oh man it’s amazing!).
I’m too lazy and cheap to dress up on a day-to-day basis anyways.
The one that I am not wholeheartedly in agreement with the effectiveness of is smiling.
I mean, I do it a good amount of the time. It’s disarming, and when you’re dressed like a four-year-old, it’s hard to even pretend to be tough. I acknowledge that.
But there are simply some situations where all that is required is a good bitchface. And maybe some big sunglasses.
i remember when i was in middle school one of my “best friends” told me he wouldnt talk to me anymore if i kept being “weird” in high school. i kept being weird and we stopped being friends.
I was pretty surprise to discover that fashion design students/teachers are quite intolerant to underground styles and excentricity in general.
Just a note since I have nothing much to add to everything that has already been written.
Sends hugs to the people who’ve written in the first place.
That was so sad to read…
it’s so sad a topic like this is still very much talked about in this day and age. it’s hard to believe people are critisized for what they wear and who they are. I think america is much more open towards “quirky” personalities than europe is.
clothes should express who you are, and if it’s you, it’ll look great! I’m not talking about people who wear ugly clothes that don’t fit them, but I’m talking about the people who care what they wear, and what their clothes say about them. I get comments too, I love colour, am tall and thin, so to me it feels like people are always staring. my classmate tell me I “dress like a child” because I love wearing yellow and hot pink, but they’re the ones always wearing black, and not have a lot of passion in their lives!
expressing yourself through clothes and other artistic things, to me, means you’re more alive and happy than the other people who just follow the rest of the “normal” crowd…
omgosh i agree with everything that you said. especially moving and smiling. i come from a very buckled down city but have since moved to TWO different cities in my life time that have a way better attitude towards people who are different. in both you could literally walk out in anyyyything and no one would give you a double take (believe me i tested this theory). they were both very artsy liberal neo Renaissance type cities. amazing. smiling works to throw people off, how could someone pick on someone who looks so nice sweet and confident
When I was in high school, I dressed outrageously. Mostly black clothes, lace and fishnets, but I would add paperclips as earrings, wrap ribbons around my arms and pull my hair up in strange ways. I was one of the lucky ones. I never face much criticism, except for some whispered insults by dumb jocks and weird glances from teachers. Surprisingly, the times I get the worst reactions is when I’m wearing just jeans and t-shirts.
By all the “open-minded” people on here, I’m surprised at the amount of crap being said about “normal dressing” people. This isn’t a battle, and thoughts like those aren’t helping anyone accept each other more.
Another piece of advice: I’ve found this works under most circumstances when you have to dress conservatively. Keep the artistic expression minimal. Instead of wearing the entire outfit, wear only your skirt, or the top, or the accesories. Or dress normal, but wear bright make up. It’ll ease those around into your style.
@liesbeth: “I think america is much more open towards “quirky” personalities than europe is.”
based on what exactly? i’m half german half american, have lived in both countries and must respectfully disagree.
I think that it really depends on where you live in either Europe, North America, or really any continent.
An interesting comment on that topic that I read… in Nylon, actually. But it was about how, in general, Londoners aim for legitimate originality in style, whereas Americans want to wear the same thing as everyone else does but to do it better. I don’t know how accurate that is, but I thought it was an interesting concept.
I’ve been much luckier, overall: throughout my school I’ve become known for my gogo boots and otherwise outlandish heels, my hat collection, rarely glitterless face, and colorful or otherwise tres exciting tights as a second skin. I’ve gotten mixed reactions from this: several people have begun dressing more colorfully, and one person actually told me I had inspired her to start wearing things that she liked and owned but had never had the courage to wear. However, I had one experience where I joined a band, and we had held two very successful performances and written several songs together when the lead guitarist confronted me and asked me “Why do you dress so… wierd?” I think I may have intimidated him a little bit, however unintentionally, when I told him that most of today’s fashions were not exciting enough for me, that I didn’t really think I needed a really good reason to dress how I liked, and would he like fries with that. He since fell out of communication with me, and the band never resurfaced. Woohoo. not.
Ooh- but I must add, I am staying in Oxford for the month (yay!), where, although I still get looks, most of the looks say things like “nice”, “different… but cool”, “uh-huh, okay”, or “very cool”, rather than “what?!”, “um…”, “what is she thinking?”, or “god, no.”, and I’ve felt a lot less as though I super stand-out here (which only means that I have to try EVEN HARDER :) ).