Traditionally male: Ralph and his motorcycle

At the first glance, Ralph looks like a normal 50-year old male – he wears pants, rides a motorcycle, kicks ass in court as a lawyer and is happily married to the woman he loves. But Ralph is far from being your typical man – or a man at all, for that matter.

How old were you when you realized you were actually a girl?

I’ve been this way my entire life. My earliest memories are of trying to explain to people I am female.  Before I even knew what gender was, I told my parents (and others) that I was a girl and wanted to be treated as such.  When I was 6 years old, I tried to do girl things, act feminine and wear female clothes.

How would you describe yourself?

I can answer this precisely as I’ve studied gender-deviance my whole life.  I’m a transsexual.  Currently, the word “transgendered” is an umbrella term covering transsexuals and cross-dressers, so you can also describe me as transgendered.

There is a huge and important difference between transsexuals and cross-dressers (aka “transvestites” but that label has become pejorative.) Cross-dressers are sexually-aroused by wearing clothing of the opposite sex, but do not feel they are the other gender.  Most cross-dressers are very similar to normal men and are heterosexual in orientation.

Some gay men dress up in women’s clothing and are called “drag queens”; they are not considered transgendered and usually mock femininity instead of cherishing it.

Transsexuals, like myself, feel at their core that they belong to the other gender.  It is not a sexual fetish like transvestism.  It is gender-identity.  The words I use is that it’s my “true nature.”   My essence is female.

How did you become a boy?

As a child, I tried to turn a bath-towel into a dress and wore it around the house.  When my mother asked what I was doing, I told her I was wearing “my dress.”  I also frequently asked her for girl-clothes and told her I wanted to be like her when I grew up. I also tried to display traditionally-feminine behavior, such as speaking in a high-pitched voice and acting deferential.

My parents’ reaction was horror.  I’m not kidding. Their son was not “normal.”  Being my parents’ first child, I was considered a reflection of them and all of their social-anxiety was focused on me.

My parents made it their chief objective to turn me into a boy.  They punished my natural tendencies — harshly – and pushed me into masculine behavior.  They made me hyper-conscious of the gender-significance of every action, which persists in my mind today.  I was taught to hide my natural self and cloak it with a facade of conventional masculinity.

How did you cope with the realization that you’re stuck with the wrong body and, more importantly, the wrong lifestyle as a man?

I adapted.  I had no choice.  A life as a woman was not open to me.  I learned how to behave like a boy and appear normal.  I developed an ease at passing for male, while secretly harboring my true self in mostly-invisible ways. As I grew older, my concern about being seen as deviant has faded.  I am currently trying to re-connect to my true self and I am no longer afraid of social condemnation for acting female.


Ralph enjoying a cup of tea – his favorite beverage.

Have you ever considered a sex change?

When I was a teenager, I spend a lot of time in the public library reading books on psychology and sexuality.  I was trying to understand who I was.  I learned about transsexuality and how I fit the definition.  There were a few well-known cases of gender re-assignment surgery, starting with Christine Jorgensen in the 1950’s, Jan Morris in the 1960’s and Renee Richards in the 1970’s.

I knew it was possible to surgically change one’s gender but, as much as I wanted to be female, I knew that wasn’t an option for me.  It would have destroyed my parents and I could never hurt them that badly.  My parents were extremely invested in me and would have forbid it.

How does sex-change surgery work exactly? How much does it cost for a man to be transformed into a woman, or vice versa?

There are different types of surgery available – “top” (breasts), “bottom” (genitalia), and various others to conform a male-body into a female form (such as shaving the Adams apple in the throat).  Only a small percentage of transsexuals go through surgery and many don’t go all the way.

As important as surgery is hormone-therapy.  With hormones, the body changes in dramatic ways and develops the secondary sexual characteristics of the opposite sex.  For men, it causes their breasts to grow, their nipples to enlarge and darken, their skin to soften and their weight to shift from the torso to the hips.  Many transsexuals use hormones and don’t have surgery.

The cost depends on what is done.  Simply changing genitalia is inexpensive ($5,000-7,000) while doing everything to re-shape yourself can cost $50,000-100,000.

If you did transform into a woman, what would your sexual orientation be?

I would be a heterosexual woman, which seems strange since I’m a heterosexual man, but there’s a logic to it. I’m attracted to women because I want to be like them and not for sexual purpose, but living and having experiences as a man has fused that attraction with sexuality.

So sexual orientation can be taught? I always assumed we were born with it.

This is complex because it involves things we aren’t even fully aware of in ourselves.  Generally, I’d say that sexual orientation is innate but that sexual activity can vary depending on circumstance.

How did being transgendered affect your early sexual encounters with women?

My early sexual encounters involved me acting male – however, I was totally absorbed in how the woman was experiencing the encounter and how I could improve it for her.  I wanted to please her in the same type of way that heterosexual women try to please their male-mate.

Did your girlfriends know? How did they react?

While my two main romantic partners were supportive, I didn’t open up about this to casual girlfriends.  I am completely open with my wife about everything.

What are your relationships like with women?

They are rewarding and deep.  I have more female-friends than any guy I know.  I have male-friends but I don’t generally find them as interesting as women.  Most men don’t have the emotional depth or compassion as women do and I value those qualities.

Do you have any grievances with the way society sees transgendered people?

I don’t know why society is so rigid in its treatment of gender, why there is so little tolerance of deviance.  If society had been more welcoming, I could have lived more naturally.  People treat gender-roles as fundamental and cling to tradition about them more tightly than on anything else.

You work as a lawyer. Are you afraid of being found out?

No, because I work for myself and am not dependent on anyone else.  That autonomy was not an accident; I created it precisely because I knew I was different and didn’t want to have to suffer from others’ intolerance. At present, I am utterly unconcerned with social pressure and disapproval of feminine behavior in a man.


Ralph dressed as a woman. Who would ever think??

What are your favorite ‘girl’ things to do?

I find joy in women’s clothing and adornment.  I follow fashion, enjoy cooking, and watch “chick-flicks” no matter how predictable. :) [Ralph and I share an obsession with Sex & The City. -DD] I closely study all issues of interest to women, from serious ones like feminism to fun ones like lip-gloss.

What about your traditionally ‘male’ hobby, motorcycles?

I love motorcycling for its intrinsic thrills, which are speed, adventure and physical sensation.  Its image and cultural associations mean nothing to me.  Yes, they include “macho” but that neither attracts me nor repels me.

What is the concept of gender to you?

I’ve come to view myself and others as people, not “men” or “women.”  People who have inclinations toward masculinity and femininity, but are not defined by those social behaviors. I consciously adopted the male-qualities I thought were valuable (e.g., strength; tenacity) and combined them with the female-traits I had naturally (e.g., empathy; compassion).  My goal was to become the best person I could, possessing whatever mixture of male- and female-qualities I ended up with.  I chose not to define myself as male or female but, rather, as a person striving to be the best he could.

If you could make one wish – even if wasn’t very realistic – what would you wish for?

You deserve a prize for asking such a wonderful question!  Rubbing the bottle, I’d ask the genie for a life of joy and acceptance.

Over the 4 years of knowing Ralph, we’ve developed a close friendship. (I sometimes jokingly say that it’s like having a girlfriend who knows an awful lot about men. :)) Surprisingly, his ‘coming out’ to me a year ago changed nothing – I still see Ralph as a kind, intellectual, generous person who happens to be a feminist and an animal lover to boot. The fact that he is interested in high heels and lip gloss only adds a new, interesting dimension to our friendship.

During the interview I found myself confused, angry, sad, relieved and – ultimately – hopeful. I wished for more people to measure others by their personal qualities, not gender identities; and for all of us to be accepted for who we truly are – no matter how different.

Wiki to the rescue: {this} article will help you understand the difference between the many types of ‘transgender’.