One of my favorite quotes is “Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat” by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Most people have face the dilemma you are facing at least once: to persevere or give up. The answer can be as complex as each situation. Some prefer to return to their comfort zone, others keep slugging away until they see results. And then there is the third category that continues banging their head against the wall in spite of being miserable, but luckily they are in minority.
One of the hardest choices I had to make in my life was the decision to stay in the US. My family had no money and no place to go, and the situation wasn’t much different back home. The only difference was that in Russia we had a safety net in the form of friends and relatives. We chose to risk it all and stay anyway, because here, we at least had the chance to do something with our lives. Getting on that plane meant going back to a familiar place that had exhausted its opportunities.
I am not saying it’s what you should do. You are clearly not the kind to give up easily, and if you are having a hard time establishing yourself in a new place, it’s certainly not for the lack of trying. You went out and got yourself a job (or several), put in a real effort to make friends. It may feel like it’s out of your hands at the moment, but how your future unfolds is entirely up to you. If you chose to tough it out and stay, consider it the price of opportunity. If you choose to give your love a shot and your hometown a second chance, consider it a temporary retreat (remember, you may have lost the battle, but not the war!). Who knows, maybe one day you’ll end up moving to the city with your boy – how’s that for having your cake and eating it too?! :)
I believe that there is a piece of happiness out there for everyone. It’s just a matter of looking for it in the right place. Let your heart be your guide and good luck!
Deerlings: did you make a tough call that paid off? Share your stories!
This is really great advice. I did the opposite to you (though on a much smaller scale) and stayed in the small town I went to uni in instead of moving somewhere with better career prospects because of a boy. If I’d moved, I may have a great job by now, but I don’t think I’d have started blogging or embarked on my law course.
I think the course has kept me sane, it’s made me feel that my life’s going somewhere, even though I’m still in a bit of a dead end job! At least I’m working positively towards another career.
I think it’s less of a decision of “should I stay or should I go” and more of a decision to explore different opportunities. Going out to make friends isn’t the only option for meeting people. Groups like friendster, meetup, and local reading or community groups can be great FREE places to meet new people. And, lowering expectations in the short term is also a possibility…so what if you don’t get the super great job now. Get an okay job that pays the rent and see how that works.
If none of that sounds at all appealing, then move back home, re-center, re-connect, and try something else. I think either decision, or any major decision requires courage, lots and lots of courage.
My big courageous decision was my divorce. It was scary…I lost a home, a family, and had severe financial difficulties, but it was worth it for my happiness. I’ve never felt so brave or so proud of myself.
You can do it! :)
i did much the same as Vixel, in that im at college now in a different country, having applied without thinking id ever actually win a place. i think the guilt of not taking advantage of opportunities is what made me go here and stay here. it took a whole year for me to get rid of that ‘outsider’ feeling, but really i think its paid off, because now i dont want to go home:)
you had the initiative to seize a chance and stick it out this far; i think you’re more than qualified to trust your own judgement! friends will come; a million people have been in your position who are now the life of the party. as for money, its less easy, but these things can turn around quite suddenly, just dont let chances pass you by, stay strong!
Change is always hard at first but I think there is a reason why we do it in the first place.
I moved from San Diego to what felt like at the time the desert. It’s not so bad now but it literally took almost two years for me to finally like the place. San Diego for me was so easy to make friends, go to fun places, hang at the beach, lots of outdoor shopping, little whole in the wall bands playing. It was fun, than I moved here outside the valley and found it dead and boring and literally any excitement was at least an hour away. Why did I do it? Because my husband proposed to me and he got a great job out here, so it was worth it. Would I have done it if I wasn’t getting married? Probably not. Change is not just where we relocate but in ourselves, if we are not going to accept it than it will not accept us, sounds stupid but I found it to be my case. The more I went on about how quiet and dead this town is the more it stayed that way and when I finally started convincing myself that this quiet town actually did have fun things to do I just had to look it became the place I would never move from again unless it was back to San Diego :)
I’ve gone through many transitions in my life and even when it was a change I wanted, and became a great thing it was still challenging. Most people don’t like change. That is why we like habits. They are soothing. They make us feel safe. And some people never push themselves beyond that, so bravo for giving it a shot!
Change is hard no matter what. Each time I’ve gone through a transition I go into it fully expecting that I am going to me miserable for a while. It may be a week, it may be a year but usually I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and when I get there it will be great. And going in with that understanding helps make the transition period a little bit easier. Manage/reframe your expectations and give yourself a break.
I’m sure it will work out!
Don’t think of it as giving up! I personally am the stubbornest person in the world and if I said, hey, I’m gonna live in the city- I would rather die than admit to everyone that it wasn’t the right choice for me. This is an example of how not to view things!
You’re not a failure. You’re a pioneer, a pilgrim, a brave girl in a brave new world. You had the guts to leave and try something new- maybe it wasn’t as much fun as you thought. So what? Don’t allow a feeling of failure or giving up to color your decision.
I’d follow Doe’s suggestion of, “Follow your heart”. Your intuition is the most powerful tool any human being can possess. If you strongly feel that the city isn’t for you definitely move back! I’d choose happiness over opportunity really.
Yes, opportunity is great, but happiness is rarer than opportunity and I’d much prefer to be around things and those I love so I can be happy.
Do what you think is best.
I moved away 4 hours away from my town, parents and friends in september for school. I was so homesick, i spent everyday crying. I wasnt happy here at all. I almost went home a couple times, but i didnt. I kept telling my mom, “I could come home, but I’ll end up working at tim hortons my whole like and very do anything with it.”
I’m glad i didnt move back. Ive made a few friends and the homesick feeling has left. And once i finish school, I’ll get to pursue a career i actually like and want.
Thank you everyone for your kind words of support, and thank you Doe for such great advice. I am so touched that there are people out there who are willing to take some time out to write words of encouragement for a total stranger, so thank you, you truly made my day!
I wrote said email a few weeks ago and in the time that has passed I have done a lot of thinking. I put ALOT of pressure on myself when I moved to get a great job, great house, great friends, and when that didn’t work out quickly, I got very discouraged. I have since rethought my priorities and in doing so, have a fresh attitude. I am no longer looking for a dream job, but a job that will help me financially so I can go out and live more. I have made some great friends and am living life day by day instead on focussing and putting pressure on my distant future.
So to sum up, I am staying! I hope anyone else in the same situation follows their heart and does what they know, deep down, they should do, and mine was give it a go, I know in my gut that I haven’t finished here yet.
xx
When it was time to leave high school and find a college, I was torn between the college with my boy friend, the best friend I ever had, and my other close friends, or the college that would make me all I could be.
In the end I had to choose the good college, because the drama course alone was enough to make me stay. I miss my old friends so much, and I’ve tried to stay in contact. Some people reply, some don’t, but that’s their problem, because it’d suck to lose a friend like me. My boyfriend and I have only grown close, even though we only see eachother once a week. But it really makes us appreciate the time we have together.
I was worried about finding friends at first, and though it’s taken some time, I have gained an abundance of friends. Guess you gotta follow your head, and eventually you’ll please your heart, too.
X’s
i changed my life completely. i was stuck in a rut but it felt so secure and predictable i was to scared to leave it all behing. i was an newly engaged mother who was miserable! taking the plunge to leave my fiancee and take my child and make a life for us all alone was very hard … BUT I DID IT! and now a year later i am stable and happy and the best mother i can be! taking that leap into the unknown paid off for me i dont think u should stay with something or someone and make urself miserable!
Never give up! Not ever! There is always a way. You may have to compromise but life is what happens while you’re making plans. All you can do is make the best of whatever situation you’re in. If you have to retreat back to your hometown, so be it. It doesn’t mean that you cannot try again in the future. I am Autistic so its hard to impossible to make friends. There are some people who seem to live their lives as an obstacle to us all. They are the people who tell you that you can’t and they are the jerks on You Tube calling you stupid, fat, dumb, boring. You can’t let adversity defeat you!!!
I had trouble making friends in real life so I went online.
I signed up for Myspace, Bebo, Facebook, and about a dozen other sites. They said I was weird and strange but dammit I annoyed them and thats all that matters. I made secret time with their pictures, and creepily commented their page, and in full view of their friends I told them that the cream would make the burning sensation go away. Do I give up? No because Xenia’s cat Puffy cannot deny our love! Cats need love too bitches!