I’m horrible at writing and getting thoughts out, so I really really hope this isn’t too much of a jumbled mess (or annoyingly whiny hehe) to you. I’d like your opinion on something or any input you may have, please.

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for a while (2-3 years) and, around last Christmas, decided that I’d like to put an end to that and be closer to my love. I am 19, almost 20, and my boyfriend is the same age. I ran the idea by him and, of course, he loved it… but no one else has.

He’s currently sharing an apartment with his brother, and his brother is fine with me being there. My family on the other hand… well… My parents, who I’m still living with and rely on pretty heavily while here, went quite mental when I told them that I’d like to move. They yelled, screamed, insulted, and took away various things in the next few days. If I move, they want just about nothing to do with me, and, as nutters as they are, I want to keep a relationship with them. Also, me relying on them leaves me with the situation of getting moved; I’ve no vehicle of my own, so they’re my wheels. They hold both over my head and taunt me like crazy with it. I understand some reasons that they worry about me going and such, but the way they go about everything seems cruel, childish, and it just _hurts_.

I’ve been working on getting a GED to get into a college. My parents seem to think that me moving in with my boyfriend will make me give up when, really, my boyfriend, his brother, and even a friend of his have all said that they would help me study, and they, along with more of his family and friends, keep encouraging me to do better. My parents have also said that two unwed people living together goes against their beliefs (even though they lived together before getting married), and I truly believe that they have a problem with my love being Mexican.

If your family were to try to make you choose them or the one you love plus your freedom and happiness, how would you handle it? What ideas do you have for moving when you’ve no vehicle of your own?

Where’s the Superman for clueless girls? haha

J

Dear J,

I feel for you. No one, and especially not your parents, should ever make you chose between them and someone you love. Your parents are being overprotective because they are afraid you will fail. They fear you’ll go out there, get caught up in the mundane survival and never get your GED. They would never be able to forgive themselves for letting that happen, so they make any excuse & pull any strings they can to keep you from going.

Whether they are right or not is irrelevant. You – and everybody else – has the right to fail. One of my favorite quotes by F. Scott Fitzgerald is “never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat”. As long as we learn from past mistakes and aim do better next time, we are not failures.

Seeing how you are almost 20 years old, you should be able to make decisions for yourself. If it involves a somewhat risky move, then be it. You see, when I was 20, I was in a very similar situation. My long-distance boyfriend from California and I had finally decided to be geographically together. We almost ended up moving to L.A. but in the end chose New York, because my mother graciously offered Mark to stay with us until he found a job. I am extremely grateful to my mom for being so awesome about that. However, aside from that initial favor, we made the move happen on our own, without any parental help.

Yes, moving won’t be easy, but it can be done! Here are a few suggestions how you can make it go smoother.

  • Get a job and save money

You know how you said your parents are your wheels? Well, money will give you the independence you need. Get a job – any job, don’t worry about liking it because you’ll be moving in a few months anyway! – and start saving money. Once you have some cash saved, you’ll be able to rent a van or even a moving truck to move all your stuff. Mark and I had worked our butts off for a few months before the big move: he, at dry cleaner’s and Starbucks; me, I walked dogs and did catering. The $3,000 we had saved between the two of us had helped tremendously along the line.

In addition, holding a job for a few months will make your parents see you are taking a serious approach. It will also give them some time to adjust to the change that’s coming.

  • Minimize your possessions!

This means sell everything you can. Announce a garage sale, give deals to your friends and sell stuff on eBay. Not only will you be getting rid of a lot of junk, you’ll also be making some very much needed cash.

  • Be prepared to start from scratch

You may be giving up certain luxuries of living at home, but trust me, freedom is well worth it! So what if you have to wash your own dishes because you don’t have a dishwasher? When we moved into our first apartment, we took a lot of donations from friends – dishes, silverware, furniture. We bought our own kitchen table and bed with the money we’d saved (I still remember, the bed was $129 at JC Penny, which seemed like a lot at the time; we still have it!!!).

  • Get a part-time job as soon as you move

Part-time because I’m assuming you’ll be taking classes. Real freedom comes with earning your own money; besides, pulling your own weight is a key to a lasting relationship. Make an effort not to rely on your boyfriend financially too much – otherwise you’re just trading depending from your parents to being dependent on your boyfriend!

  • Talk to your parents

I know you said they weren’t very good at talking. Still, be the mature one. Tell them you love them very much and appreciate everything they’ve done for you. That you aren’t doing this to spite them – you simply want to start a life of your own. Tell them you’re fully aware of the consequences and the possibility of failure, but aren’t afraid and will take the responsibility. Tell them you understand they disapprove of your choice in boyfriend but you love him very much and hope to marry him one day (ok, this may or may not be the case, but marriage seems important to your parents, so reassuring them may not be a bad idea). Make them understand that you no longer expect them to support you financially; ask for moral support only.

This should make your parents see you are an adult making an adult decision. Even if it doesn’t and your parents are still mad at you, give them some time to process the information. I sincerely believe that a loving parent, no matter how angry at the moment, will eventually forgive their child. Once they see that you are happy and doing well for yourself, they will come around. They might even change their mind about your boyfriend once they get to know him and find out what a good guy he is. :)

Good luck and remember: you have the right to make your own mistakes. Now go out there and live your life!

Success is often achieved by those who don’t know that failure is inevitable. – Coco Chanel

I am glad I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes. – Edna St. Vincent Millay

If you have a question you would like to ask me, send it to doedeere @ gmail. com