When the fact that Mark and I have different last names is revealed, the reaction is usually a surprise – open outrage if we’re in Texas. Moments like these, I wonder what goes through people’s minds. “Is his name that atrocious that she didn’t want to take it? Doesn’t she have any respect for him or his family? She must be one of those feminists…”

The tradition when a woman takes her husband’s name after marriage is one of the oldest and is supposed to symbolize a woman’s belonging to her husband and his family. Thankfully, modern women don’t have to do it thanks for Lucy Stone, a 19th century women’s rights movement leader. Lucy argued that by giving up their names, women give up their identities – much like the prisoners are issued numbers to strip away a sense of importance and humanity, women strip themselves of their names. While Lucy’s marriage = incarceration metaphor was a bit over the top, it got me thinking:

Are women giving up their identities and unwittingly feeding into sexism by taking their husbands’ names?

When we are born, we are given a name. It’s the name that all our friends call us, our teachers, doctors, mailman know us by. Some of us may even have built a career with that name and got recognition in our field. How can we be expected to give it up so easily?

Respect for the spouse or their family clearly has nothing to do with it – after all, a husband is not expected to take his wife’s name to show respect, or even hyphenate. I like my husband’s name very much – still, it’s not mine.

My name really is part of who I am. For one, it reminds me of my ethnic background. Second, because it is preserved in its female form (most Russian women drop the ‘a’ on the end to match their father’s/husband’s), it symbolizes the 3 women who made it in the U.S. without the help of any man. It’s a legacy that I feel is worth preserving. And lastly, I just dig my name.

Of course, not all women feel the same way about their names. Some may not be crazy about their surname to begin with, and welcome the opportunity to change it. Others find that having the same name as their husband makes them more like a family, and view the new name as an important symbol of a journey they are embarking on together. As long as a woman is conscious of her choice and doesn’t succumb to the tradition blindingly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her taking the husband’s name.

Here are some pro’s and con’s of changing your name.

PROS

  • It’s a family name!

If you, your husband and your kids all share the same name, you are instantly recognizable as a family. Pretty cool!

  • Convenience

Dinner reservations and travel arrangements can turn into a nightmare if you’re a Smith, your husband is a Lichtenberg, and your kids are Smith-Lichtenbergs. Also, by sticking with one name you’ll find it easier to handle things like school registration for your kids. You won’t have to explain to them why mommy and daddy have different last names and why theirs are long & hyphenated, either.

  • Social acceptance

Since 60-80% of brides take their husband’s last name, it’s become somewhat of an expected social norm. By having the same name as your husband, you’ll dodge the annoying questions and dirty looks in Texas & other conservative states.

  • Personal reasons

If you don’t like your own name OR happen to like your husband’s name better, it’s your chance to change it!

CONS

  • Self-identity

You are getting married, not becoming a different person! If you feel like you’re going to compromise your identity by taking someone else’s name, don’t do it.

  • Your ethos

Why should you change your name, and not your husband? It can be done: although not the most common practice out there, it is legally possible for a husband to take his wife’s name. Jack White of The White Stripes took Megan White’s name when they got married. If your husband has a dorky name, it’s a good opportunity for him to change it to something better-sounding.


Jack White of the White Stripes took his wife Meg’s last name.

Also, changing your name can make you come off more old-fashioned and traditional than you actually are. Your husband taking your name, on the other hand, is a statement that you’re not afraid to break the tradition! :)

  • Career

You’ve worked hard to become known in your field – changing your name and starting from scratch is not an option. This happens a lot in entertainment: Britney Federline just doesn’t have the same ring as Britney Spears, does it? :) If that’s your situation, you can either keep your maiden name, or change your name legally but continue using your birth name for your business. It involves a bit of paperwork but is usually worth it.

  • Personal reasons

Is your name interesting, alliterative, or just sounds cool? Does it symbolize something important to you? Are you the last Szczepanki in your family and afraid that once you change it, there will be no more Szczepankis running around? Tell your husband it’s Szczepanki time and stick with your own name!

Or maybe the combination of your first name and your husband’s last makes an unspeakable dissonance forcing others to plug their ears. Better hold on to your own name then, toots.

OTHER OPTIONS

  • Hyphenation

Usually it’s just the bride that hyphenates her name, but sometimes the husband will do it too. You get to decide whose name goes first!

  • Maiden name as middle name

This is a very common practice. This way, Alice Caldwell Johnson has an option to put down just Alice Johnson, depending on the situation.

  • Combining two names into one

My favorite! Not a lot of people know this and even fewer do it – but you can actually create a name out of your own and your husband’s! Example: if your name is Miller and your husband is Goldstein, you can become Millersteins! Or Golders! Uhhh yeah, it doesn’t always work but it’s still cool to have the option. :) Mark and I actually considered doing this but each name we’d come up with sounded more ridiculous than the one before, so we gave up!

As of now, we are pretty happy with our own names. And if we ever decide to have kids… Well, that’s a whole separate story to write. :)

Deerlings: Would you take your husband’s name? Would it affect your identity?