When the fact that Mark and I have different last names is revealed, the reaction is usually a surprise – open outrage if we’re in Texas. Moments like these, I wonder what goes through people’s minds. “Is his name that atrocious that she didn’t want to take it? Doesn’t she have any respect for him or his family? She must be one of those feminists…”
The tradition when a woman takes her husband’s name after marriage is one of the oldest and is supposed to symbolize a woman’s belonging to her husband and his family. Thankfully, modern women don’t have to do it thanks for Lucy Stone, a 19th century women’s rights movement leader. Lucy argued that by giving up their names, women give up their identities – much like the prisoners are issued numbers to strip away a sense of importance and humanity, women strip themselves of their names. While Lucy’s marriage = incarceration metaphor was a bit over the top, it got me thinking:
Are women giving up their identities and unwittingly feeding into sexism by taking their husbands’ names?
When we are born, we are given a name. It’s the name that all our friends call us, our teachers, doctors, mailman know us by. Some of us may even have built a career with that name and got recognition in our field. How can we be expected to give it up so easily?
Respect for the spouse or their family clearly has nothing to do with it – after all, a husband is not expected to take his wife’s name to show respect, or even hyphenate. I like my husband’s name very much – still, it’s not mine.
My name really is part of who I am. For one, it reminds me of my ethnic background. Second, because it is preserved in its female form (most Russian women drop the ‘a’ on the end to match their father’s/husband’s), it symbolizes the 3 women who made it in the U.S. without the help of any man. It’s a legacy that I feel is worth preserving. And lastly, I just dig my name.
Of course, not all women feel the same way about their names. Some may not be crazy about their surname to begin with, and welcome the opportunity to change it. Others find that having the same name as their husband makes them more like a family, and view the new name as an important symbol of a journey they are embarking on together. As long as a woman is conscious of her choice and doesn’t succumb to the tradition blindingly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her taking the husband’s name.
Here are some pro’s and con’s of changing your name.
PROS
- It’s a family name!
If you, your husband and your kids all share the same name, you are instantly recognizable as a family. Pretty cool!
- Convenience
Dinner reservations and travel arrangements can turn into a nightmare if you’re a Smith, your husband is a Lichtenberg, and your kids are Smith-Lichtenbergs. Also, by sticking with one name you’ll find it easier to handle things like school registration for your kids. You won’t have to explain to them why mommy and daddy have different last names and why theirs are long & hyphenated, either.
- Social acceptance
Since 60-80% of brides take their husband’s last name, it’s become somewhat of an expected social norm. By having the same name as your husband, you’ll dodge the annoying questions and dirty looks in Texas & other conservative states.
- Personal reasons
If you don’t like your own name OR happen to like your husband’s name better, it’s your chance to change it!
CONS
- Self-identity
You are getting married, not becoming a different person! If you feel like you’re going to compromise your identity by taking someone else’s name, don’t do it.
- Your ethos
Why should you change your name, and not your husband? It can be done: although not the most common practice out there, it is legally possible for a husband to take his wife’s name. Jack White of The White Stripes took Megan White’s name when they got married. If your husband has a dorky name, it’s a good opportunity for him to change it to something better-sounding.
Jack White of the White Stripes took his wife Meg’s last name.
Also, changing your name can make you come off more old-fashioned and traditional than you actually are. Your husband taking your name, on the other hand, is a statement that you’re not afraid to break the tradition! :)
- Career
You’ve worked hard to become known in your field – changing your name and starting from scratch is not an option. This happens a lot in entertainment: Britney Federline just doesn’t have the same ring as Britney Spears, does it? :) If that’s your situation, you can either keep your maiden name, or change your name legally but continue using your birth name for your business. It involves a bit of paperwork but is usually worth it.
- Personal reasons
Is your name interesting, alliterative, or just sounds cool? Does it symbolize something important to you? Are you the last Szczepanki in your family and afraid that once you change it, there will be no more Szczepankis running around? Tell your husband it’s Szczepanki time and stick with your own name!
Or maybe the combination of your first name and your husband’s last makes an unspeakable dissonance forcing others to plug their ears. Better hold on to your own name then, toots.
OTHER OPTIONS
- Hyphenation
Usually it’s just the bride that hyphenates her name, but sometimes the husband will do it too. You get to decide whose name goes first!
- Maiden name as middle name
This is a very common practice. This way, Alice Caldwell Johnson has an option to put down just Alice Johnson, depending on the situation.
- Combining two names into one
My favorite! Not a lot of people know this and even fewer do it – but you can actually create a name out of your own and your husband’s! Example: if your name is Miller and your husband is Goldstein, you can become Millersteins! Or Golders! Uhhh yeah, it doesn’t always work but it’s still cool to have the option. :) Mark and I actually considered doing this but each name we’d come up with sounded more ridiculous than the one before, so we gave up!
As of now, we are pretty happy with our own names. And if we ever decide to have kids… Well, that’s a whole separate story to write. :)
Deerlings: Would you take your husband’s name? Would it affect your identity?
Great article! I agree, as long as it’s for good reasons, it’s ok to do it, but don’t just do it for any old silly reason!
A part of me wants to change my name. I am a greater person today because of my boyfriend, he has changed my life for the better, it’s not that I am ashamed of myself or my family, I just want to move on from the times I felt I was being held back, either because of my self doubt or terrible family feuds. I don’t feel myself with this name anymore, I have discovered who I really am with this relationship – a better person, and i’d love to celebrate it with the name change. (I think i’d add his name to my own surname – i’m not COMPLETELY ashamed of my own background! )
My last name is Valentine. I get compliments, and in my career (even though it’s not an artsy career — I’m an engineer), clients always marvel at it. I have an air of mystique, as well. I just don’t think I could give that up!
I’m in the boat of most likely taking my name as my middle name or hypenating. Partially because I think there’s an aesthetic… with a first name of Ashley, last names that end in -y are going to sound funny! But having my maiden name (so to speak) in there will at least have some hard vowel to break up rhyming!
Another part has to do with my father; he and I are both long ago estranged, and my last name is one of the few things I have to remember my father & our once good relationship by…
Very good and interesting read.
I chose to take my husbands last name when we were married. It was probably because of tradition actually when I think about it, but I am anything but traditional. I guess I really hadn’t put much thought into it. It was just were my mind went when thinking about our marriage that I would have his name.
I look at it either way though (if we are going for the feminist aspect) that no matter what you are taking your name from a man, if not through marriage, from birth. Due to tradition we are almost always named after our fathers and not our mothers. I’ve decided to look at it from the “It’s okay” perspective which is also strange considering I consider myself a strong independent women that needs a man for nothing, but I do on the other hand have one that I choose to keep around and feel he is deserving to be my pseudo care taker, not necessarily just financially but emotionally as well, and in taking over that responsibility which was originally my father’s job, I feel that in my case it’s completely logical to have taken my husbands name.
I got married on Aug 4 2007, and I won’t take my husbands name. My first name starts with a S . . . his last name is Kidd . . . S.Kidd = SKidd . . . yea no thank you! I sometimes use his last name if I really feel like it, but usually I stick with my good ‘ole last name. Besides, to much of a hassle to change it around anyways.
I love him dearly, and luckily he doesn’t give a flying poop if I take his last name or not.
My husband and I chose a new last name together
i ended up changing my last name, being that hyphenating it made it sound stupid. to me its not biggie, it gives me easier access to the bank accounts and stuff. hee hee. but i would have hyphenated it and my kids would have his last name, to clear up any confusion. i have my mom’s last name till i got married.
My last name is Gunn. I personally think my name kicks ass, so my husband would have to top it for me to take his name and I dont see that happening. Besides, Gunn is my identity. I have nicknames for it, some people remember just by my last name. At work my manager calls me the hired gun.
So ya know: I’m not crazy about guns or weapons of any kind, just like my name =]
When my boyfriend and I get married, I will be taking his last name. I love my last name because it’s sort of unique, but I love the idea of being connected to him by name more. I wish I could just hyphenate, but that would give me a 19-letter last name. :/
My brother can pass on the family name, anyway! Haha.
Thanks for such a great article! And I love love LOVE that picture at the top, with the shoes! ^^
I don’t want to change mine despite no one ever knowing how to pronounce it unless their Polish.
I agree with all the reasons why one should not, and think all these other reasons why one should are just tragic.
I definitely like the combined names one and the male taking my name..hee hee, wonder what my dad would think of that?!
Hahah!
Haha, I am not going to marry my boyfriend but I have thought about the combination of our names.. and that would be weird because his name is soooo English and my is Eastern European (Kril) – dude, it would sound so wrong together or hypenated. I could take his name easily but his first name would sound ridiculous with my last. Ah, the drama.. ;)
My maths teacher took the maiden name of his wife when he married because it was both their second marriage (so basically both had a completely different name before they married) and they wanted a new start. :)
I don’t really like the idea of marriage for some reason.. but if I were to ever do it, I would probably keep my last name.. it has taken me a long time to like my last name, so I don’t want to change it now. Nearly everyone mispronounces it because it’s french.. but Scott’s last name gets mispronounced as well.. so I think I will just stick with mine. What I really wish would have happened is my mom would have kept her last name when she married my dad and that I also would have gotten her maiden name, I love her maiden name.
I did take on my husband’s name because I love the way that my name sounds with his last name on the end. It sounds like a perfume brand name (at least to me). It absolutely sounded better than my old last name.
We have talked about changing our names to something completely different in the future though.
i took my husbands last name legally but still use my maiden name for just about everything else. career wise i felt it imperative to keep using my maiden name….i like it and feel like i im to get famous one day i want my maiden name to be known…i dont feel like making someone elses last name famous ;)
i guess because i still use both names regularly i dont feel like i’ve lost my identity.
I took my husband’s family’s name to honor his family, so I get to choose the names for our kids from whichever family I choose. I am part Irish too, so O’Brien isn’t too bad of a last name, lol! An Italian-Irish family is interesting!!
I forgot to mention that before I married my initials were L.M.N. Now that we’re married, they’re L.M.N.O. and it gets people talking when they realize it, lol!
Ha! My boyfriend’s last name is Ho. I would be completely okay with being a Mrs. Ho… but not so sure about how to name kids with that last name. :p Heehee. Up to each person, I guess. Hooray for being able to decide yourself!
I didn’t change my name because my husband came with a pre-hyphenated name (his great-great-great grandmother was a feminist of her time, and gave all her kids the hyphenate) and it just does NOT go with my first name whatsoever. He also has a very English last name where as I am French Canadian, and very proud of this. Our kids will take his name. I don’t really care if people give me looks or make comments. I’m not forcing anyone to take after me ;)
Great Topic!
This is a very personal choice that each woman needs to make for herself. I can give you both ends of the spectrum here.
I have been married. I never believed in marriage but when I met David we were very much partners and it only seemed natural to marry each other. I changed my name because I wanted to. I had no connection to my maiden name at all. My married name feels like it’s the name I was always meant to have.
My husband died a few years ago and now to me it symbolizes that I will always be his wife in some way in this life. I am in a relationship now and I may be married again someday. When I do get married again I will not change my name. I suppose our children’s names will be hyphenated.
I do not feel like I have lost my identity but rather that I have added another dimension to who I am. In a good marriage you do become more of who you really are and that is what has happened to me and my name reflects that for me.
This is something that has been really pressing on my heart lately. My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married for a good long time now. And we’re finally going to get engaged at some point this winter (he won’t tell me when).
You see, I’m the last of my family. The last of my line there ever will be..
and that really bothers me on a personal level. Matt (the boy) has offered to take my last name. But I feel it wouldn’t be as socially acceptable for him.. (it doesn’t really reflect poorly on me, I don’t think.)
I think the tradition of keeping your husband’s last name is sweet, but I feel like, especially being the last of my kind, it’s giving up too much of my identity.
I’ll end up biting the bullet with it, I’m sure. But I can still feel that irrational guilt of losing my family name looming above me.
I should also mention, to stand in for my mother’s opinion, that I have her maiden name as my middle name. (She does, as well, for her middle name.)
I love this. I used to get teased about it when I was younger because it’s very masculine sounding: Sullivan. But I think it’s beautiful. And it’s always given me a strong sense of self, of where I came from, and connected me to the grandfather I admire but never was able to meet.
So, in the end, if I do take Matt’s name, I’ll be doing the same for my children.
[...] Should women take their husbands’ names? – A well-written article that talks about the pro’s and con’s of a woman taking her husbands last [...]
My mom used her own name after she was just married but thought it was to complecated because people always think you take your husbands name so now she uses my dads. If I ever marry I would take my husbands name but thats mostly cause I dont like my own last name.
Very interesting read, and I think you did a great job of presenting both sides fairly. (And I love the pink Chucks.) You are just fabulous from all angles – music, fashion, makeup, decorating, writing, photography…you are pretty amazing! You can do it all.
I haven’t read through all the other responses yet, but I have sort of a different side to this issue. I was married for five years, and it was a very bad, BAD marriage. I took his last name because I never liked mine, and when I took his, I instantly had this awesome-sounding, alliterative name. Well, I have now had that last name for 9 years. I didn’t change it back when we divorced because it did not feel like it was part of him – it felt like mine. And I simply liked it and didn’t want to go through the trouble of changing everything like Social Security and accounts and whatnot.
Well, my boyfriend and I are going to be engaged pretty soon, and I asked him what he thought about me keeping my EX-husband’s name and explained that it truly feels like mine and that I stopped associating it with that jerk long ago. I know it sounds a little strange, but now that the name feels like my indentity after 9 years, I don’t want to let go of it. A large part of my identity got swallowed up by my first husband, and while you’d THINK I’d want to get rid of it just for that reason, I don’t because I see it as mine. God bless my boyfriend, who didn’t bat an eye when I asked him…he said he knew that keeping the name would not be a reflection on how I felt about him or my ex-husband and that he would be totally fine with it. He said he didn’t like hyphenating, though, just as a personal preference. Which is probably better anyway, because using my ex’s last name and my new husband’s name together would be even stranger! :) But he understands that I reforged my identity after the divorce and that I do not ever want to give it up to anyone again, and he appreciates that.
When we told his parents, they looked at me like I was crazy. :) I will probably get a lot of that any time I have to explain it, but that’s okay. Anyway, just thought I’d add my own take on this!
When we got married, my husband and I talked about both doing a hyphenated last name. For me to change my name was simple. For him was a whole legal process. How antiquated!
In the end, I kept my name because it is very unique, and he kept his. I’m too lazy to hyphenate and didn’t want my last name gone, so that’s the main reason why. Most folks, even family, don’t really care.
It’s funny though, depending on which person someone knows (me or him) that is the last name we get called. So he gets called by my last name and me by his. We don’t really care and don’t often correct the mistake unless we’re filling out a form.
We’re probably not going to have kids but we have discussed it. What we kind of ended up with is, if it’s a girl she would get my last name and if it’s a boy he would get his. Plus it could start a new tradition of the girls passing down the last name.
How about that!
Luv
Poochie
‘In the old traditional Persian culture the wife did not take on the husband’s surname. Although she kept her name, her husband’s surname was used when she was referred to or addressed directly in a formal setting.’ (Wikipedia)
I am half-Persian so I guess this entitles me to keep my family name, Chamanian! As far as I know, my family are the only Chamanians in the UK and even though I get bored of spelling it to people sometimes (only for them to continue getting it wrong!) I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s unique and difficult, like me. My sister is now Leila Lyons which rocks but I don’t think anything else will sound as good with Nassrin!
i think it’s silly to change your last name , although i might, but only cause mine’s so boring for a fashion designer . i would probably keep my maiden name when i get married because it has that ring to it that’s been there since i was born . i’d feel weird about it.
My name is Le Vuong Hong Ngoc (in last to first name Vietnamese) and my boyfriend’s last name is Roush. Ngoc Roush does not sound very fetching at all. I love my Vietnamese name and refused to change it to an American name when I became a citizen of the United States. It’s interesting trying to teach new people I meet how to pronounce my name. I won’t take my husband’s name if I ever marry because I love my name, and it’s a part of my identity. I don’t want to give it up.
Legally, I have my father’s last name, which I never really liked at all. A while ago I realized that adopting my mother’s last name would grant me the superpowers of alliteration! So, while I often use my mother’s last name for informal stuff… I have to use my father’s for legal documents and so on. I might get it officially changed eventually, but I have no idea how much effort is actually required for that. I should probably look into it…
I think it would just depend on what exactly my husband’s name was. My last name isn’t very exciting, so I wouldn’t really mind changing it. However, I’ve never heard of the combining-names-to-make-a-new-one thing, but that sounds pretty cool!
I feel bad that you’ve had issues with Texans. :( I’ve never noticed the different-last-name thing as a taboo here or anything. Lots of people I know have last names that are different than their spouses or parents.
On behalf of Texans everywhere, I apologize. :)
I’m a hyphenated kid. My mother kept her last name as she was in the military and it was just easier. I generally have the longest last name of any person I’ve ever taken a class with or worked with, and it can be difficult to determine what name I’m under – one or the other, or both – when I make appointments or anything.
I haven’t yet decided whether or not I’ll keep my own name when I get married. I like my boyfriend’s last name, but I also like standing out with my already hyphenated name. Either way it would be my choice.
But if I did keep it, I feel bad for my future children. Poor little Tom or Jane Warholm-Wohlenhaus-Sibole!
I would take my husband’s last name if I was getting married, because my maiden name is Thomas and that’s really boring. I see my first and middle names as “me”…I sign most things as Elisabeth Victoria T., So for me, I hope I marry someone with a cool name!
I can’t imagine ever taking a husband’s last name, and my last name is the same as that of at least two successful speculative fiction writers, so I wouldn’t want to publish under it. My name is providing a bit of a dilemma for me at the moment.
My favourite alternative name change thing that you’ve listed is the combined one.
I didn’t take my husband’s name. I am the eldest grandchild with my last name and there aren’t any boys. My brother who died of cancer when I was young would have been the one to carry on the family legacy, but he is gone now, so I’m next in line! I see keeping my name as keeping the name alive and honoring my grandfather and my brother. Plus, as you said, it’s my name!
We are considering the options for when we have kids. Right now we’re leaning towards Steve taking my name. We’ll see what happens.
But yeah. I’m so sick of having to explain why I didn’t take Steve’s name. Men have a harder time with it then women do. Glad someone else knows what I’m going through!
I’m not particularly fond of my last name, but only because it reminds me of my estranged father and how much I hate him. If I were to change my name (which I am, once I save up enough money for it), it would be to my mother’s maiden name. It would make my full moniker really difficult to both pronounce AND spell but I’ve always regarded the name to be very noble and a good way to perpetuate my late grandfather’s name.
If I was going to get married, sure the thought would pass my mind to take my husband’s name but I know that I would keep my mother’s in the end. Any children, however, would get my husband’s name, easily. It also helps that my (current) boyfriend’s surname is quite beautiful.
As a musician and artist I feel like keeping my last name would make it easier for me to keep my identity. My grandfather passed away in 2005 and as much as I hated my last name as a kid I would hate to not have that connection with him now that he’s gone. Farhat is a pretty strange name, and I’ve never met a Farhat that isn’t family. I paid my dues, believe me! I was called everything in the book because of that name and I’m keeping it. That way when I’m successful everyone will remember that silly last name and will hang their heads in shame ;) well… mostly because I don’t like my guy’s last name Boone :P
I will probably not take my boyfriend’s last name. I am in the process of getting a degree with my current last name, and the timeline that we are considering for marriage would mean that I would have my masters before we got married. So I do not want to bother with having one name that I’m recognized under and then having to suddenly “remake” myself.
Also, I like my last name. It’s Mexican, like my first name. His name isn’t very white bread or anything (it’s DeBono) but it isn’t Mexican, like mine, and I want to keep that heritage.
I was lucky enough to get my mother’s maiden name (Gillespie) rather than her married name (Blacklock) – the joys of being born out of wedlock!
I will stay a Gillespie if I get married. My son is a Gillespie, my daughter will be a Gillespie, so I guess if my husband-to-be wants to fit in he will have to change his name. Gillespie is too long to hyphenate.
My son got my grandma’s maiden name as a middle name – we have a lot of the maternal maiden names going on in our family.
I have always loved my name. I used Blacklock at school so I had the same name as my brother and I hated it. Getting rid of Gillespie again would be losing too much of myself.
I love that you wrote about this! I’ve been trying to explain to my family why I didn’t take my husband’s last name when we got married last December.
We got married quickly. We were thinking about getting married in May of 2008, but my dad was very sick and his health was going downhill fast, so we had a “shotgun” type wedding in my mother’s living room the night of December 21. 12 hours after we said, “I do,” dad had a massive heart attack. He passed away 3 months later.
This played a huge role in my taking my husband’s name. My emotions were running wild as it was, and everyone was trying to get me to change my last name (not my hubby, though. He’s happy either way.). I was proud to have my daddy’s name, and was feeling very defensive about it.
It was very much an identity thing for me. I didn’t take my husband’s name because it’s not mine. I’m not “Cassie X”, I’m “Cassie Y”. I have a history with my name. I think lately it’s turned into not so much an identity thing, though, as it’s a “daddy’s little girl” thing. I hope this makes sense.
I’ve thought of taking my husband’s name, and I probably will one day. But now, with dad’s death still so painful, it’s just not fathomable in my mind.
Again, thanks so much for writing about this! :) It’s kinda helped me sort out a few issues I have with this.
i think i would like to keep my last name and change it to my middle name, taking my future husband’s last name at the end. I’m still me, but when you get married, that person becomes somewhat of an extension of you. you’re still you, just improved. i will take his last name to honor the union and keep mine in the middle to remind me where i came from. ^_^
GOLDSTEIN! Unless my husband had a more ridiculous name, I would change it, but it’s definitely a personal choice thing. I hate my last name. It screams “JEWISH DOCTOR” or “JEWISH LAWYER” and I’ve been subject to quite a bit of well-intentioned jokes because of it, many of which I’ve made myself.
I like this topic too. To be honest, I never really thought about the symbolism of the decision…until now. I guess I always assumed that I would take the name of my husband if I ever marry. But come to think of it, I like my name! And the combination of my first and last names has also turned into a nickname. It’s Megan Watts and a lot of people call me megawatt. I wouldn’t want to lose that. ;) As a single person, I don’t know if this will ever turn into a real life choice for me but it is interesting to contemplate. Thanks!
I would take my husband’s name; if it is a good one. If his last name is not good then I’ll keep mine. I don’t like my last name at all, and it confuses people (which is ridiculous, its ‘Nations’ omg not that hard..; one lady at the drugstore had such a difficult time with it! I had to write it down for her!
I see no problems with changing one’s name or keeping the one given at birth for either person. They should do what makes them happy or what they think is better for them.
I would most likely take my love’s surname if we get married by either changing or keeping both while using his more. I don’t feel like changing my name would change me in any way, good or bad. I just like his name far more. My surname, from father, is Adcock.. oooh, the jokes I hear. I can’t even sign up on some websites because of it! haha
If my love and I were to have children they would most likely carry both our names. It seems that it’s a tradition in some (or most?) Mexican (which he is) families to have the mother’s surname after the father’s. I like the idea of carrying both. <3
On the tiny Texas bit.. lolwhaaat? Sadly, I can actually see that. Some people here are just extra silly. :]
I plan on taking my boyfriend’s name, assuming we get married someday. I don’t dislike mine, but I think his actually fits me better. Plus, I am one of those that wants my family to all have the same name.
But I have no problem with those who choose to keep their own name, I think it would be too much of a hassle for me.
Everyone should just keep their own name, no hyphens, changing to their middle name, combining names, etc.
And to Victoria, Carrie thought it was good enough for her. To Megan, your name is very cool. Keep it.
To many of you, you don’t need to explain your own last name to anyone. The rule for changing your name to your spouses was made by men to show ownership.
I actually love some traditions. If the last name sounds good with my first name, I’d love to take on my future husband’s name. I kind of want the marriage to be as big and exciting of a step into a new life as possible. My brother can carry our family name.
I’m in Texas and didn’t take my husband’s last name ’cause I liked mine better than his. No one seems to have a problem with it except for some company that I dont remember said they could look up our account in his name (if we had the same last name) but I couldn’t make any changes or anything (even if we had the same last name). Didn’t make any sense to me either…
i took my husband’s last name and i totally regret it. i feel like i lost my identity and i want it back so badly :(
of course…
Corinne mylastname hislastname (you know, when it happens)
just had this convo. was just in my cousin’s wedding — she’s still trying to figure it all out.