I received this letter and thought that Erica would be the perfect person to answer it because she is not afraid to be herself and inspires everyone around her to live the glee (including myself). So,here you go!
I have been having some problems with my self identity lately… or so ive been hearing. I know who I am, I love to dress up and do my makeup and hair everyday extra special and fun, i love music and records, and dancing, I’m currently going to school to get my business degree, I love making clothes and hats.
For some reason, my boyfriend doesnt think i act myself around him. And its all because im afraid to sing in front of him. I don’t know whats wrong with me??! We’ve been going out for 2 1/2 years and I can do it for other people but not him. This is creating a lot of tension in our relationship… I dont know what to do.
Jade
Dear Jade,
The statement that struck me hardest came at the beginning of your question: “…or so I’ve been hearing.” The main issue here is that you are allowing someone to tell YOU that YOU don’t know who you are. Isn’t that kinda silly? ‘Cause to me, it seems to me you have a pretty solid grasp of who you are and a fairly comfortable understanding on your own self identity and interests! You are a unique individual with a personal identity that is yours and yours alone. It’s also incredible that you as a young woman have recognized that within yourself, as many people have a hard time doing that. Don’t you feel special now? Well, you should!
Also, I don’t think your boyfriend understands the pressure he is putting on you by suggesting you’re not “acting yourself” around him. He’s probably just a little upset that you can share something you love so much with other people, excluding him. Now, I take it you love to sing from what you said, and singing – being a creative and therefore very personal activity – can be quite nerve-wrecking when you have to do it in front of someone you care so much for or whose opinion matters so much to you. (I’d much prefer to sing karaoke in a bar of 40 people, or even on TV on American Idol, rather than in front of my mom or my boyfriend! How embarrassing!)
First, I would explain to him how singing in front of him makes you nervous (I’m assuming it does) because you worry about what he’ll think. Explain to him that it’s not that you’re trying to withhold this part of you from him, or alter how you act around him naturally, but that you’re just scared to share something that is such an important and personal part of you with him in the chance that he doesn’t appreciate it. Let him know that as your boyfriend, his appreciation of your talent(s) is worth so much more than just anyone! Let him know you need some time to get comfortable with the idea of sharing that part of you with him. I think then he will understand your feelings. Just be up front and don’t be afraid to be personal with him about it – I have a hunch he will probably appreciate that from you!
Secondly, I’d like you to understand that you aren’t OBLIGATED to sing in front of him if you don’t want to. A caring and understanding boyfriend – I’m not saying yours isn’t, again I think he just doesn’t understand the gravity his words have on you – would not force you to come out of your comfort zone. There is nothing wrong with a few boundaries here and there within a relationship… It keeps an air of mystery and intrigue! Besides, maybe one day you will feel comfortable enough to sing in front of him. Maybe that day will come even sooner once he stops pestering you about it. ;)
I hope I helped you, Jade! Keep shining and keep singing!
Love, Erica
Why do I have a feeling there is more to this than the singing and the boyfriend? “…or so I’ve been hearing.” hmm maybe I’m just used to overly complicated situations. Anyway sounds like good advice Erica, I don’t relate to all those fears but I remember a time when I really could.
Good job Erica and Good Luck Jade!
Great post Erica!
The only thing I would add is that sometimes people with interesting, outgoing or exciting personalities are seen by others are people who are having identity problems because lots of people don’t get why a person should be unique, happy and excited about life all the time. And if that’s your case, it’s the people around you that are the problem not you!
I think it’s hard to give advice because you have to base the situation on a short little paragraph that may or may not address the real problem. All things considered, I think Erica did an amazing amazing job. I really mean it. (Especially how she caught “so people tell me” part)
As for a personal suggestion to Jade… Do you feel like you aren’t good enough for your boyfriend? (sorry if that sounded offensive..) It’s just that your letter sounds like you’re really really set on being “perfect” for your boyfriend. I think a relationship is about two people accepting each other for who they are… their strength, their weakness, their fears, EVERYTHING. So unless you’re really sure this is not the case, I think you should really think about it. At the end, you just have to talk to your boyfriend. Tell him why you can’t seem to sing in front of him.. there is NOTHING WRONG with wanting to impress him. I’m sure he’ll be happy to know that you value his opinion so much. And ask him to give you some time.. If he’s a good bf, I think he’ll understand.
Great advice Erica! I feel that not much other than can be said because you already said it all.
“I’d much prefer to sing karaoke in a bar of 40 people, or even on TV on American Idol, rather than in front of my mom or my boyfriend! How embarrassing.”
–I feel the same way,lol.
I can totally relate, because I have the exact same problem! Singing is a big part of my life, and while I can sing in front of a crowd I’m scared to death when it’s only in front of the people I love. It was like that in my previous relationship (I never sang for him alone, actually), and will probably be the same in the one I’m starting now. His opinion already matters a lot to me and I know he’ll want to hear me sing as he’s a musician, so it’s going to be hard! I might just use your advice too, Erica :).
Kelly Reply:
July 21, 2010 at 2:52 am
You should just try. Just force yourself to go for it. He’ll love you even if you’re pitchy throughout from nerves or whatever happens. I love writing and I remember the first time I read a poem of mind for my boyfriend. I said “Okay” about thirty times (false starts) and rushed through the entire thing so it was barely audible. He was fantastic. He still thinks I was adorable from start to finish and after that I was able to share more of my work with him and he even helped me edit a huge paper I had for school.
You never know what will come of it. Just go for it, no matter how hard it may seem.
Sàya Reply:
July 21, 2010 at 3:09 am
Thank you :) <3
Yes, you're absolutely right. I'll probably manage, it's just a bit stressful for me, but I really want to do it so it should be fine!
Kelly Reply:
July 22, 2010 at 10:16 pm
good luck :)
I cried when my boyfriend had me sing in front of him. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.
I’ve sung in front of other people just fine, too. It was like a weird phobia.
Haha me and my boyfriend have a little band together so I’ve gotten used to singing with him around. It helps that he is NOT shy about singing at all, haha… even though he doesn’t have the best voice (or he just doesn’t try that hard to make it sound good, haha).
I think it sounds like there’s way too much pressure to sing being built up in these situations, maybe the guys don’t understand that it can be hard and pressuring or trying to make you feel bad only makes it harder to actually do it!!
The moral of the story is that we should all just sing and love each other, basically. ;)
wow guys, thank you so much for all your advice. i feel alot better now that im not the only one who feels this way! :) xoxooxo!
I’m a somewhat terrible singer most of the time, but I belt it out anyway! I always think it’s fun to sing badly but confidently – although I’m not sure my family agrees, ha – and if you sing louder I find it’s easier to hit the notes a lot of the time than when you try and sing softly anyway.
Just my observation!
Hope you overcome the problem – I’m sure you’ve talked about it, but maybe just stating very clearly how you feel to your boyfriend will help. :)
Great advice! I am also one of those people who gets more nervous singing for my loved ones than for a crowd of people I don’t know. There’s infinitely more pressure when my boyfriend is watching!
My boyfriend and I have lived together for almost four years now (out of an eight year relationship). He is in a band that has had more than one album released, done tons of shows, has merch, etc. And despite all that – he still doesn’t like to sing in front of me when we’re goofing off at home. He says it’s because it’s afraid that I’ll critique him too harshly – I know myself that I never would, but I understand. For me it’s my writing – I get so nervous when my boyfriend reads it because there’s so much of me in it.
Every once in a while he slips up and will join in my goofy sing-alongs and I always let him know that I appreciate it. I think it helps a bit for him to know that I’m not a Grammy-panel judging him – just his girlfriend being a big dork.
Singing in front of people you love is so much harder than singing in front of people you don’t know… Trying to make the performance meaningful and beautiful, while being super nervous and scared because you don’t want to let them down or make them feel unworthy of a gorgeous performance. There’s something inexplainable about it- it nerve racking and a weird experience because once it is done, the person then sees and hears a part of you that haven’t seen or heard ever before. It makes a lot of feel vulnerable, showing that part of themselves!